Saturday, 28 February 2015

I'm doing twitter! and how-to eyeliner for oldsters

This is the only way I'll ever do twitter. Spring is coming in my hemisphere. I'm ready.
Today I wore cat-eye-style eyeliner. I never do. Now I know why. Here's how I went about it.
How to do eyeliner on oldish eyes:

  1. Barricade yourself in the bathroom. 
  2. Stretch out the skin at your outer eye to create a smooth, supple, youthful canvas.
  3. Using your eyeliner product, in my case my new Rimmel "Exaggerate" marker*, with a sure hand and artful finesse, draw long sweeping arches across your lashline, extending in an upward angle beyond the corner of your eye.
  4. Release the stretch. Watch in amazement as your skin boings back (slowly deflates back) into its resting state. Do not be horrified that the accordion wrinkles of crepe-y skin have transformed your masterful work into a stumpy, jiggy, fecking MESS half the size of the lines you drew. Run from the room screaming, being careful not to trip. Rest for five minutes with a paper bag over your mouth, preferably with a bottle in it. Return to the bathroom refreshed.
  5. Grab your product and start swearing.
  6. Repeat the above steps but draw even longer lines which extend far across your temples.
  7. Release the stretch. If your lines were long enough, when your skin slogs back to resting state, you may see a hint of alluring, feminine, feline eyes.
  8. Fill in the jigs from the slog state. Done. Gorgeous. You're ready to be sophisticated.
I got new mascara too and also did asymmetrical eyebrows. 

*no sponsorship here, folks, they'd be aghast
The outfit I wore with this face makes me feel like I should be in my craft room (which I don't have) flashing teeth and glue-gunning with gleeful abandon while constructing glittering scented pine-cone table-toppers between freakish bouts of gratituding and twirling and keeping appointments as an in-demand interior designer. It's a look. It's a feeling that comes from the paper bag over your mouth. But I'm glad I get to shake this off. Behind me is part of a big cheerful painting I did of the Arctic wastelands.
I've been wearing sequins all week: gold ones, limey-yellowy ones, greeny-black ones, and the black ones above. Tip on buying sequins: avoid tops with sequins on the back if you're going to wear shaggy coats and scarves. Too easily one may destroy one's air of demure sophistication and glamour when one starts tearing at one's clothing and cursing loudly while attempting to detangle sequins from shaggy outdoor wear. The top above only has sequins on the front. 
We've all had crap teachers. And we've all had stellar ones as well. Hats off today to the stellar ones.

A little bit of everything...
Have you tried eyeliner lately? Did it work? 


37 comments:

  1. The eyeliner looks fantastic! I've never done eyeliner. It's all I can do to recreate eyebrows where mine used to be.

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  2. Yes, brows require a whole different bag of tricks. I wing it, but you must be good at it. An enviable skill.

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  3. Eyeliner and Twitter are both in a little drawer in my brain along with Lycra bike shorts, watching football, and listening to Taylor Swift. The label on the drawer says "God, no." But I do admire your effort and your tutorial! You're one of the good teachers, obviously. And you look like Twiggy all grown up.

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  4. When the eyelids hang down to the lash line (surface-lashes during a bad day), smear black (whatever, but I use mascara) on the whole eyelid. Then you know that the makeup can sometimes be seen.

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  5. It's like you were there with me in the bathroom when I tried to put on eyeliner! LOL Yours turned out much better than mine I might add. Often times I need to take a 10 minute recess between eyes. Too much stress. Also my left eye is darn near impossible to manage so I always end up looking lopsided. That's okay I figure. It matches my boobs.

    Love your twitter therapy too.

    bisous
    Suzanne
    http://www.suzannecarillo.com

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  6. "Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep"
    I really seriously need you to do my eyes - they are so tiny that I smear everything everywhere. Thank goodness I wear glasses. Good morning, Melanie!

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  7. I love how you've filled in the jigs from the slog state! I've been experimenting with a bit of eye pencil, which I normally wear on the bottom. But whenever I swipe it along the upper lash line it ends up on my upper eave-like lid.

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  8. Love a sequin - but with long, ill-advised elder hair - you can be similarly affected by SEQUINGRAB © and consequent screaming. A combo of this and the ripping sound of coat arm linings when wearing too many bangles is just one of the the reasons why I don't do eyeliner. Can you imagine the mayhem. No.

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  9. Just when I feel I have the confidence to do dramatic eyes -- my vision is crap and my hands shake. Maybe you can do mine?? Love all the sequins, the shaggy coat and the fabulous peepers. xox

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  10. I'm intrigued with how doing one eyebrow raised means you don't have to use that muscle to raise an eyebrow...you can be in a perpetual state of "oh, really"? Love the cat eyes....

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  11. Hahaha. So many great comments. Replies to a few:

    TRALALA: SEQUINGRAB (c), great word! Heh. We should go out together.

    MARGY: Ha. I pronounce it "ree-ah-lee," three syllables.

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  12. eyeliner.....I gave up. Maybe a really wide Sharpie would work

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  13. This made me laugh Melanie, thank you x

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  14. Val is right. You DO look like Twiggy. Waaaaay cuter than Twiggy. I am so near sighted & far sighted that without glasses I can't see to put on eye liner and with glasses I can't get to my eyes. I love my blurry little world. Sequins for evah!!!!

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  15. my speciality is to paint my nose when applying mascara!
    Not many problems with liquid eyeliner, which is like a paintbrush, but lots of them with that kind of felt markers. Never more!
    besos

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  16. I have approximately half a dozen brands of eye-liner languishing in my "Eye-Makeup holder" and your experience basically describes mine every time, except I'm never able to get the result you did (your eyes look ginormous!!). My eyes seem to be constantly oozing moisture, and any mascara or liner just pools under my lower lashes.

    That's the only kind of twitter I would do too. I have a feeling Spring isn't coming over here anytime soon.

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  17. Rimmel's Exaggerate is the kind I use too! Yes, you have to really exaggerate the lines on cat's eyes as you get older - mine disappear into the crows' feet. You look awesome - I have also been mascara-ing my brows.

    Sequins on both sides if you aren't wearing a coat, though! I hate when it seems like designers only think you will be seen from the front. Why no pattern on the back of skirts and tops? So annoying. Of course, people are going to check out my back!

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  18. That's some brilliant eyelining. I can't that for anything...always end up poking myself in the eye!

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  19. TO THOSE OF YOU WITH POOR VISION: It's much easier to apply and check the results of eyeliner when you can't see what the feck you're doing. Ulla-Marie Nilsson has a good idea - just put black all over your eye. In fact, she does and she looks AMAZING!!! Seriously.
    I'm doing my Bieber surprise-gosh-face-with-mouth-closed on purpose in the second photo. I'm surprised you didn't pick up on my impression. Could be the lopsized brows threw you off...

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  20. Thanks for the eye liner tutorial. I have tried and failed, eyes watered, air turned blue, reached for my reading glasses, and the degree of difficulty was too much for me, so left defeated! Sticking to eye liner on bottom lids only. You made me laugh at your experience. And I so get you on the sequins with shaggy things, done that too and failed!! Glad I am not alone.

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  21. You do make me laugh. Your eyeliner look brilliant. Mine never matches unless I'm practising in the house and not going anywhere and then it works out perfectly. xxx

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  22. I love your version of Twitter, better :)

    I've worn eyeliner since my teens and feel quite naked without it.

    Yours looks great, actually. I'm pretty sure my flicks are never that even, but I try not to look anyone squarely in the face, so no-one seems to notice. ;)

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  23. Cards/ Postcards? Fridge magnets? Journal covers? Heck, just a whole book of your collected sketches please (though a postcard of your twitter therapy pic would definitely do for starters). Do let us know if and when…
    Well hey, the eyeliner looks great to me. I've only recently begun using a pen tip style eyeliner. Sooo much easier than anything with a brush.

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  24. How wonderful! All of it! It made me laugh and smile, and warmed my heart!! I'm not a fan of eyeliners for myself, I remember that even in my 20s I had to stretch the skin to do it, and it creeps me out a little. But you do look absolutely gorgeous - your eyes are just fantastic, and I have to tell you that after I read that O does your haircut, I just had to ask Justin if he is willing to do mine (and he said no!).

    I absolutely LOVE your illustrations, so much talent, originality, heart and soul, and humor in them! The first one - ah, so sweeeeeeeet. And the last one - yep, still have those voices after all those years, much less loud now, thankfully. And yes, great teachers - those who inspired us to become who we become, are the best and I'm so thankful to mine.

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  25. Brilliant tutorial! I did it, after I'd finished laughing - I had a lovely left eye wing, but I failed to follow steps 4 and 5 properly, will follow all rules properly next time to achieve ultimate sophistication! yes, hats off to all wonderful teachers! x x x

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  26. Brilliant tutorial! I did it, after I'd finished laughing - I had a lovely left eye wing, but I failed to follow steps 4 and 5 properly, will follow all rules properly next time to achieve ultimate sophistication! yes, hats off to all wonderful teachers! x x x

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  27. Hurrah, Ms. McGinty. Heehee. In fact, I watched a tutorial by a yougin' on YouTube to prepare. The best REAL tip I got from her is you draw a small line following your lower lash line and keep on going when you hit the outer corner to create the upward sweep guide for your upper eyeliner. Does this make sense? Gaaa. Check YouTube.

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  28. You do make me giggle!!! That sounds like me when I try to put eyeliner on my upper lashes! The difference is yours looks GOOOOOD!xxx

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  29. I am reading your post and the comments on the bus. People are starting to wonder about me, laughing and grinning.
    Thanks for this wonderful start of the day. Your writing is hilarious. I agree with the others that you look good with the eyeliner. I have stopped using it because it is a too harsh look for me. Eyebrows I have mastered. They are very blond so I have always had to "do" them. Practise makes perfect. I use eyebrow powder.
    Oh and for women who need glasses for putting on make-up: either use a 7 or 10 times magnifying mirror or use glasses with one "eye" turned up (they exist I swear).
    Greetje

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  30. I saw a very funny online tutorial video for eyeliner where the girl ended up completely covering her face in black! Hilarious!

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  31. SISTER OUTLAWS: I would love to see that video. If you see this reply, could you leave the URL if you still have it?

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  32. Believe it or not, my eyelashes grow in a double layer. So eyeliner just looks weird on my. But I do like to rim my eyes on the inside lid, and I get a pretty good result just making little black or navy dots BETWEEN my lashes. Only on special occasions, though.

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  33. Don't do Twitter, and can't do eyeliner. I'm rubbish. You are brilliant! xxx

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  34. Oh my, eyeliner lessons from someone you knows. I used to wear cat's eye liner in the olden days. Now I do a more modified version (because of all that sagging, wrinkling skin) using a soft kohl-like brown pencil. Just on the upper. I've always had dark circles under my eyes, and now bags, so no need to emphasize that area. My brows have disappeared, same pencil lightly applied there. Concealer (ha!) under the eyes. That's it. Can't abide mascara or lipstick or the stuff one puts allover the face. You, on the other hand, look stellar, no matter what you do to yourself, Ms. Melanie.

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  35. Oh hell, Melanie - it isn't just sequingrab - I was taking my winter coat off in a swanky cafe yesterday - it has one of those detachable furry collars that buttons on. Needless to say my hair had become tangled in the buttons and my casual coat-shrugging-off became a cage fight - my hair v the coat. I did swear a bit, but unlike Madonna I remained upright throughout.

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  36. TRALALA: Bwahaha. Too bad I wasn't there to add to the mayhem!

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