Monday, 7 March 2016

6 facts of life. Live like a dog.

Well, now that I'm in my 53s I should be facing facts. 

1.  I'm never going to be six feet tall unless I wear really, really high platform shoes (see also #4) and I'll never be an international flight attendant, well, probably not. But that's okay. I don't like serving food anyway and I don't like flying unless I'm in Royal Ultra Supreme Class. 

Thrifted hand-knit poncho with caterpillar fringe, never worn, with new tags attached. $5, My Sister's Closet. 

2.  South becomes a popular destination. Our face, our boobs, our ass, even our frickin' knees, all go there - but please not our 'tude! 

3.  People go to Florida (or another warm southern place), at least many CARP (Canadian Association of Retired Persons) seasonally migrate south, no longer to spawn but merely to frolic, if health insurance and exchange rates allow. (But don't go too far south; that's called the everlasting pit of damnation.) 

Considering how many CARP head to warmer climates every winter, I often wonder why my country doesn't trade some awful Canadian place, definitions to vary, for a tropical island. Of course we couldn't take one over by force; we'd be too busying apologizing for our aggression. 

Jimi Hendrix T in dark olive, Hilfiger thrifted pants, magic loupe, thrifted coat. On my way home today, there was an impromptu conference about my coat among strangers on the corner. We all parted with huge grins on our faces.

4.  I'm supposed to be grown up, although ironically I'm probably shrinking, literally. And I'm sure to be grounded even more as my ability to wear heels (and be six feet tall) diminishes. Every time I get ready to go out there is a massive General Assembly of my mind and body. My feet and brain get three votes and my vision only gets one. Why? Because it's rigged, that's why!! I think we need to take someone down. Or build a frickin' wall, I'm not sure how that would work.

5.  I'm probably as mature as I'm going to get. (Stop your tsk'ing!) Yup, I've already mentioned the words boobs and ass here. I never minded those Ps and Qs or Ts and As. But I'm probably as polite as the next CARP; it helps when I don't talk and I slow down my movement by 50 percent, like a fish in cold water. But I do have manners. I rank right up there with the other bottom-feeders.

Full impact photo with mug-shot face. Hair about 6 inches tall because I'm not getting any taller, ya know.

But all of these facts are nothing, nothing, if you consider that we're being whipped around the Earth at 10,000 mph day after day after day. It's a wonder we can function at all. Ever thought about that?

I guess the best way of dealing with facts is to picture a dog with its head sticking out a pickup truck window, tongue wabbling, ears flapping. All that at only 30 mph. Heck, when we're bootin' down the highway at 60 mph we should be three times the dog, our heads hanging out our windows, hair getting messed up, drooling at each other and running out of wiper fluid it's so gosh-darn drooly out there. There should be a category in the traffic report: heavy drool, Hwy 99.

If I said my tongue was like a lizard, would you believe me? Now, get that thought right out of your head this instant!!!

Considering our earlobes don't stop growing, or our noses, every year we seem to be moving closer to our doggy friends who know how to take advantage of a good thing. I'm in my 53s and I want to be more like that dog (which would make me just over 7 years old in dog years, heh). I may not get any taller or smarter or nicer, and that's a fact I can take if I can live like a dog.

The coffee after the coffee walk. Wearing my new thrifted poncho. 

Did I just write this? Hahaha! Which brings me to the last, all-important fact:

6. Proofreading and editing are for wusses. Heh.

I'm linking this up with the usual suspects:
Patti, Not Dead Yet Style, Visible Monday - Rumour has it there will be spiked punch? Bwahaha!! You probably think I've already been there.
Catherine, Not Dressed as Lamb, #iwillwearwhatilike
Anne, SpyGirl, 52 Pick-me-up: Electric Blue / Impatience (my socks qualify)

Have you got any new facts to add to my list?


79 comments:

  1. If Canadians are apologetic for imperialism, well, Americans revel in it (see American History unadulterated).
    Another American pastime is imposing our Democratic (I'm using that term loosely) on the world and all of its citizens.
    Ah well, that is the extent of my political discourse.

    I hear there is massive bastard spiked punch at Patti's ...

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    1. Yeah, I already had, hiccup, some. Heh. I wrote this post after I'd been there for a couple of hours. Could you tell?
      Thanks for your comment, Tami.

      Delete
  2. Oh preach it sister Mel. To be like a dog sounds like heaven. Belly rubs, constant affirmation ("You're a good boy!") and no taxes to pay. And I am not even kidding, it's over the northern border if mr. cheeto face wins the presidency here. It's warm, yeah, but damn, I can't live in a place that elected the biggest a$$hole ever. Oh yeah, and BTW, you look fabulous in your 53's. xox

    -Patti
    http://notdeadyetstyle.com

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    1. I've got space for you guys! ; P I can smuggle you over the boarder if worse comes to worse. Just practise up saying, "I'll have a double double." You'll blend right in.

      Delete
    2. Okay, Suzanne, I've got first dibs on them. They're moving to the WEST COAST! Hahaha! You'll have to move here too. We'll start a commune where all we do is drink coffee and absinthe and dress fabulously. Patti, please don't wreck my fondness for cheetos! Now I'll start seeing little wigs on them. Eeeew.

      Delete
    3. We're fighting over illegal immigrants now.

      Florida is right below me. In fact I think I'm sitting on it right now. LOL

      It'll be so much easier for them to just drive up the I-75.

      I've smuggled across 4 pairs of shoes I bought at the Niagara Falls NY outlet stores before. I'm a pro. Of course there is that time I was caught in BC trying to take a bunch of bread, milk and cheese across and we were stopped, flagged and shamed as well as made to pay extra. I blame that all on my Mom and my sister. They won't be there Patti! You're safe with me. Honest. I'm Canadian.

      Delete
    4. Yeah, but once they hit Ontario they just need to hang a left and keep going for about three days. Easy peasy. You can't wear Patti like shoes or put her in a paper bag like groceries, unless you found a really big bag. You could say that broccoli was on super sale. I bet they took your food too.

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    5. No we got to keep the food. I'm sure we'd get to keep the immigrants too. Just pay a bit more tax and duty.

      Delete
  3. Tell it like it is, baby. Canada? Let's migrate to another planet! Whichever of the many a-holes are you speaking of, Patti? geez. I lose count.

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    1. Pao, I figure Canada would be annexed if that thing which can't be named were to happen. So it wouldn't even be like moving if you came here, would it? In fact, I'd have to go through immigration staying right where I am. That would make me growl.
      Thanks for your comment, Pao.

      Delete
    2. Oh by the way, speaking of life as a dog...have you see the netflix TV series called Wilfred? I haven't, but Kris has. It's some guy dressed as a dog, who everyone thinks is a dog, but he's really a guy and he tries to get this nerdy guy to relax and be like a dog, man.

      Delete
    3. Hahaha. I'll have to look it up. Thanks for the tip.

      Delete
  4. I dunno, Canada's looking pretty good right now, cold and all. ;-) I think dogs have the right attitude, and have like figured out all around. Except for the part about eating cat poop.

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    1. Or bunny poop. That is like crack for dogs.

      Delete
    2. Oh, dogs like to eat their own poop too. How did the conversation get from wagging tails to this? Oh, yeah, politics will do it every time. Hahaha!! I would love for you to move here! Vancouver is the warmest place - don't let Suzanne talk you into Toronto.

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    3. Oh brag why don't you? It's bad enough when I hear it from my Dad all the time. BC is so great. BC is so wonderful. BC BC BC BS BS BS. Whoops.


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    4. No, he's not bragging. He is just stating fact. You hear it as bragging because (okay I could say something hilarious here but I'll restrain myself) Heh. Anyway, I'll email you if I remember later.

      Delete
  5. best. post. ever.

    and I want that poncho. bad.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Happy Birthday! Your poncho is magnificent, as is your statuesque hair. I aspire! So many things going south - why does nothing go north? Why does south get the heat and the leathery skin? Why don't our faces get tauter as we get older? Who in charge here, and what kind of chocolate does she take for bribes? These are things we need to know.

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    1. Yeah, why does nothing go north? What if you live south, so when you say hell you point up or sideways because if you point down that might in fact be north. If you're at the South Pole, is hell above you? Umm... This is how dogs think. I'm practicing.

      NOT MY BIRTHDAY, just a general statement. Although I do prefer being treated like Every Single Day is my birthday. Sigh. More cake! Uh, doggie bones.

      Delete
    2. Oh whew! So happy I didn't send you that big gift I bought you!

      Delete
    3. I told you DON'T READ IT!!

      Delete
  7. Get ready for the massive influx of Americans coming across the border! LOL

    Was it your birthday and I didn't even get you anything? Not cool. I need to make it up to you the next time I'm in Vancouver.

    I have a draft half written titled, "My body is conspiring against my style vibe" all about the things you mentioned here. Of course now that you wrote yours I can just put up a link here instead.

    The fact that our ears and nose keep growing is freaking me out. I'm probably going to have nightmares now.

    That last photo is so good!

    bisous
    Suzanne

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    1. Forgot to mention I love the poncho. The fringe is wonderful.

      Delete
    2. Oh yes, Suzanne. I can't believe you missed my birthday. What kind of friend are you?!!! (Just don't read the comment on Sheila's post up there.)

      Put up your post. I love your posts - they're hilarious. We often have mind melds in our post writing.

      Nose/earlobe thing, I heard that once. It must be true then. The last photo is artfully called "Waiting for the school bus." Cool poncho, right? I waited months for it to hit the $5 rack. I have the patience of a Grasshopper.

      Thanks for your humour here, Suzanne. LOVE IT always!!

      Delete
  8. You are so right. Dogs do have it good. In fact, I follow my little Pancake around and pick up his poop in a special little biodegradable bag. It doesn't get more posh than that! I love your puppy coat and your international flight attendant poncho. And I love that you're out in the streets making friends. I can't wait to move to Canada!! Pancake and I are packing up our sweaters and our toques and our special little poop bags and we'll be there in time for the maple syrup harvest.

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    1. Yay, you're coming too!! It's going to be fun! You and Pancake. When I was a kid we actually made our own maple syrup. Yummy. Suzanne and I will teach you all you need to know about being a proper Canadian. But let's hope it doesn't come to that, shall we? Gaaaa!!

      Delete
  9. Hello!, The Netherlands! Lol! At least we have got the most fashionable queen ever! But dont start with me about whats happening with your bodybreaching 50. I never had a belly!!! Never, in my hole life!

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    1. Hahaha! Well done! We'll see what happens here too.
      Thanks for your comment!

      Delete
  10. Actually I think I would rather be a cat. Cats get to have a life on their own terms. People are always trying to put dogs down the pecking order. Nobody puts Mellie in the corner! Or Maryanne!
    One of the great benefits of being fat is that everything heads south early. So by the time everyone else starts bewailing it, we fatties have reached our zen. What can I say, I believe in underwear and not giving a fuck about visible belly outline. ;-)

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    1. I love your 'tude. If I were a dog and you a cat I'm sure we'd get along famously and be famous. Heh. I do love cats though, I've just never seen one with its head out of a truck window. Wait, of course, it's because they're the creatures that just passed us driving the convertible! Hahaha.
      Thanks for your comment, Maryanne.

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    2. I don't really like cats much, I like dogs a lot more. But I was thinking that if I were a cat belonging to cat lovers, I'd be mint! ;-) And yes I think we would be fabulous. We could play the banjo and the ukelele and become famous on YouTube and go on world tours. Because of course we could talk. Not your average pets ;-)

      Delete
  11. I wish I werw petit! A cup of tea never look big in my hands.

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    1. Yes, but that's a really big cup!
      Thanks for your visit, Ulla-Marie.

      Delete
  12. I had to smile about everyone heading South for warmer weather, here is the reverse everyone heads North.Sadly the body bits didn't get the memo and they do indeed head South.Your dog reference is spot on, the look on our dogs face when his hair is blowing in the breeze is priceless.

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    1. Yes, I can't really think of much that compares with the joyful expression of a dog in a car. Hahaha. I'm glad to hear SOME people head North. Poor North.
      Thanks for your comment, Jill!

      Delete
  13. pretty poncho!
    but had a hard time to follow you thru - must be my bad english skills......
    :-)
    xxxxxx

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    1. No, it's not your English skills; it's my writing. I use quite a few pop cultural references and odd turns of phrase. I am sorry it's hard to follow!! But I do thank you so much for coming by, Beate!!

      Delete
  14. My nose is already enormous!!!!@#$$%#!!!! I'm going to look like an elephant by the time I'm old!!! The fringing is Amazing!!! You were brave to wait-I'd have pounced!!!
    I still can't believe anyone is silly enough to vote for that cretin!!! His name is a British colloquialism for 'passing wind'! Says it all really about his policies!!!
    Xx

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    1. I know, Kezzie, it's a sad fact. But think of all those amazing, gorgeous fabulous women we know in their elder years!! Nobody will even notice our noses (she wrote as she removed her night-time nose reducer harness from her face).
      You can move here too!, although I'm not sure why you would. You'd just be nearer the Big Wind than you are over there. But Suzanne and I will have an immigration business by then, all very above-board I assure you, hahaha, and we'd give you a great deal! But we hope it Doesn't Come to THAT!!!!

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    2. You have a night-time nose reducer harness and you are hoarding it all to yourself???!!!! What else are you hiding under that nose?

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    3. It's just a prototype made of rawhide. I am also wearing one for my ears. So attractive. I call them "Jason." I'm hoping I'll make my millions with them. (Okay, now I'm singing that song, "Gravy, gravy, gravy, new Chuck Wagon gravy, raw hide! - sound of whip snapping." Commercial for dog food, rather fitting for this post as well.

      Delete
  15. Now can Suzanne and co have a massive conversation on my.comment now please so I don't feel left out for being an immigrant commenter????Xx

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    1. Oh don't worry Kezzie. We people from "the colonies" will welcome you with open arms ; )

      Delete
  16. Oh to your heading South! That does sound a bit rudey.

    I am blaming the downward shift on the charismatic and Darcy-like Mr Gravity. What a cad. Never quadrille with him; also he will soil the hem of your best muslin by standing on the hem. Also, take great care when in the company of Mr Photoshop - he will render your complexion waxen and reposition your breasts - one on each shoulder - to appear uplifted and pert, as is the current vogue in town. As to your Mr Break-Wind - look to that gentleman's peruke.

    You are most welcome to shelter in our United Kingdom - please join us for laughing, pointing and afternoon tea.

    As always Madam - you are the fragrant pinnacle of perfection - the coat! the trouser!

    Cordially

    Mrs Elaine Monkeypaints

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    1. Dear Madam Monkeypaints:

      Thank you for your missive. Indeed, the corsetry complications from the latest breast-on-shoulder vogue is quite vexing. To complicate matters further, I have heard from the very best sources that the newest scandalous fashion will soon be peruke epaulettes! Can you imagine?!

      Hahaha. Thank you for your comment. I would love to shelter a while in the UK.

      Delete
  17. I loved this post. I was chuckling and grinning all the time. And I am at work (concept research in the evening). So everybody started laughing with me. Thank you dear. You are very funny and I love your poncho.
    Greetje

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    1. Bringing chuckling to the workplace is my mission! Hahaha. I'm glad you and your colleagues had a laugh. Thanks always for your comments, Greetje.

      Delete
  18. I'd just like to invite the Mel and Suz double act to visit my blog and do a bit of crazy gal heckling, berating and generally life fixing stuff for a while with me. I don't wanna be a dog cos all they do is lick their balls and want to roll in smelly stuff. Or was that only my dog? I really like your fringed poncho but don't know how I'll get by not seeing all these amazing shaggy coats over the next few months. Might they make a guest appearance from time to time? Must we talk politics? It's no better here in the UK :(
    Anna
    Anna's Island Style

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    1. Suzanne and I bring out the best(?) in each other. Definitely. You should read some of our emails. Hahaha!
      I shall miss my shaggy beasts as well. Perhaps that is what inspired the dog imagery. But I hope I can find non-coat clothing for the spring/summer that is equally satisfying.
      I like that people can let off steam in the comments here. North America is quite a pressure cooker right now. Even more reason why we need that Mel & Suzanne Show.
      Thanks so much for your comment, Anna.

      Delete
    2. You're right. It's good that people can let off steam somewhere and why not with you where it's couched in such good humour? I think the fact of the matter is the world is currently a huge pressure cooker, driven by fear, power and greed. It's terrible when the masses seem to be heading in the wrong direction and you feel impotent, insignificant, powerless. My default setting is the ostrich position, head in the sand hoping it'll all go away. Pitiful I know.
      Hurrah for you gals, and hurrah for your blog x
      Anna

      Delete
  19. I'm with Patti, I'm packing my bags and heading your way if mr. cheeto face gets elected, seriously I can't believe how many American's can be this stupid. Apparently their brains have all gone so far south they lost them. Can you make room for us? And I'm all for a Mel and Suz show, now that would be one comedy I would never miss!
    And did we really miss your birthday? Why didn't we plan some kind of party -Suzanne, what's wrong here??? The best part of this post . . . you answered my ever growing problems, like duh I of course the skin on my legs will continue to go south no matter how much running I do. O' well at least I'm normal and I gave up long long ago with the idea of being 6 feet tall. By the way, how can you possibly be 53 if I'm 53? Is this what raising kids did for me?
    Oh, love the poncho! And the patched jeans and those sneakers. Perfect everyday wear for us 53 year olds!

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    1. I can't get the image of Cheetos with little wigs out of my head! Oooh, we will certainly be partying in Vancouver, and Toronto - a bone for you Suzanne. Hahaha! Every day will be a blogger meetup. Dare I hope for the worst there? Nah.
      No, I just said I'm in my 53s as a generality, not a birthday.
      You are dazzling at 53!! The question is, how can I keep up with you?! Maybe I can take up a healthy lifestyle now that Cheetos are freaking me out.

      Delete
    2. My gah! I too wear sneakers, ponchos and jeans and I am 58 - am I trying to dress young?
      Save me from being an inappropriate laughing stock! (looks in mirror, notes magenta hair - oops too late). I'm investing in bicycle clips to hold up my sagging knees.

      Elaine Monkeypaints

      Delete
    3. Genius idea about the bicycle clips! There's big money in cross-marketing... Hahaha!

      Delete
  20. I'm thinking if Cheeto-face gets elected, most of New York will be wanting to move across the border, and perhaps we could create our own city where only creative, smart-ass people over 40 can live. Quit trying to get everyone to move out there! I wouldn't mind living a dog's life as long as it is a dog owned by a very loving and responsible owner who isn't going to abandon me at a shelter just because I'm older and am not all puppy-cute anymore. You are right about everything going south. Soon I'm going to have to get a wheelbarrow to carry everything around.

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    1. In my dog world we don't have owners and we live like people, but better. We live in cities with lots of smart-ass +40 women. We howl at the moon every night and we can eat chocolate even as dogs.
      On a good day I think, hey, this is the youngest I'm going to be from now on. Let's make the most of it. Pfft. Some days my cheerfulness is really depressing.
      Thanks for dropping by. Sorry, they're all coming to VANCOUVER! (Well, no, I hope they all get to STAY HOME.)

      Delete
  21. Your words are pure wisdom and should be followed, I am 53s also and I might just hang my head out the car window tomorrow and give drooling a go!! Ps and Qs are for the softies and I too have no intention of growing up anymore than I am now, AND I too am not getting taller, wider maybe, but defo not taller, in fact I think I am shrinking!! Arghhhhhhh!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Sue, you are like spring air, fresh, cool, inviting, hopeful. Your blog shows it too. Thanks for your comment. Growing up is over-rated.

      Delete
  22. You don't need to get any smarter or nicer than you already are! I don't suppose you need to get any taller, either, as long as you can reach the top of your head. And if you want sunny climes, there are a lot of Americans on the west coast who want to be part of Canada. Maybe BC can annex the coastal strip all the way to San Diego. We'll go willingly! Then we liberals won't have to worry about those wacky Trump-supporters. (Like it matters to me since I'm flitting off.)

    I love your poncho and the outfit that goes with it. You're setting the CARP hipster trend with your turned up jeans and no-lace Chucks - the coolest!

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    1. Hahaha. I may need a ladder to reach the top of my hair, but I'm not sure how that would work.
      Maybe BC and California could trade places for a season. Imagine the chaos! Hahaha. This is a good time for flitting, isn't it?
      Thanks for your comment, Val. I always love seeing you.

      Delete
  23. Gravity-defying hair and a shaggy coat seem pretty good for one in her 53s, so I don't think you need to worry, Mel.
    I sympathise with all the poor Americans wanting to decamp to Canada in fear of The Trump. Did you know that trump is a northern dialect word for fart over here in the UK? Just thought I should share that with you... xxx

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    1. I saw on the news yesterday that Trump wants to "punch in" the faces of protesters. Spoken like a true diplomat. Hahaha!! How interesting about the meaning of the word. Thanks for sharing that.
      Always a pleasure to see you, Curtise.
      PS - Did you see that you and Vix are featured on Chronically Vintage?

      Delete
  24. Your hair gets better and better. As does your blog! How could I possibly miss a post, when you have me laughing out loud with my morning coffee, no matter the day. You look fabulous in your new thrifted poncho!

    Your Prime Minister was on 60 Minutes last Sunday. You have a kinder, gentler country and I'm envious.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment, Judith. My hair is at its peaky best now before it starts to cave in on itself. I like our PM too.

      Delete
  25. Not only chins and noses but all our cartilage continues to grow as we age: chins, joints, ears, noses ... that's why really old people have huge ears and noses and chins and knobbly knees and finger joints.

    If you start out in life looking like a Buddha or an Olmec statuette, you could amass some serious ears over the decades. "The better to wear lots of ear-bobs, my dear!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it's cartilage not earlobes per se. The lobes just tend to go with the flow. But puh, that's okay. I love your 'tude, more room for ear-bobs! Or even nose-rings. Thanks for writing!

      Delete
  26. Yup, our bits no longer defy gravity. Sad but true. I try to make up for it when gym acts god never intended humans to do. And a drastic change in hair colour ever so often not because it actually does anything to slow time down but it makes me feel much better about the world.

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    Replies
    1. It does indeed feel good to be able to maintain control over what we can for a positive outlook in general. Thanks so much for writing, Sheela.

      Delete
  27. wouaaa, I'm going to comment Before reading other comments, just to maintain fresh my freakin' enthusiasm!, hurrah for your coat and scarf and your magnificent presence wearing sneakers and big earrings and looking fabulous!
    And yes, I'm also probably as mature as I'm going to get. Not more maturity for me, plese, I think I've had enough of this. I'm risking a maturity overdose indeed!!
    besos

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    1. Hahaha! Maturity overdose. I decided to respond to comments, at least when I can. It reaffirms that sense of community about blogging that I enjoy so much. Thanks for your burst of fresh air señora Allnut.

      Delete
  28. Replies
    1. Hahaha! How did you know I stink? Thanks, Hollie!

      Delete
  29. Gravity sure it a bitch sometimes. Personally, I've taken to punching her in the face a few times a day in the vain hope she gets the message to stay away from me!!! I'll let you know in about 10 years time how it's working.

    I want to run my fingers through the fringes of your poncho! Very touchy feely. And don't think I didn't clock the pattern socks - me want a pair like them!

    http://petitesilvervixen.blogspot.co.uk/

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