Monday, 11 April 2016

Hey, where's my wife bonus?!

When everything is for sale, so much depends on making a good pitch.

But a good pitch alone isn't enough. You need to have a clearly defined target audience, aka friends. In a bid for self-improvement, I shall reprogram my internal algorithm which will convey my value more arithmetically not only to others but also myself, thereby enhancing my brand appeal and user interface. Hurrah! Whaaa...?

The mural backdrop is a snapshot of my existing algorithm. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Mel Kobayashi - OH NO! I forgot to have kids!! DIY T-shirt
My algorithm is fecked. That's it in the background. Of course my user interface is whacked. My DIY T-shirt.

Even kids are on board with this stuff, "Hey, mum, I expanded my target audience at school today." "Well done, honey. I think you just added points to your Daughter Bonus for that." Twinkle-eyed winks.

It's essential that you sell yourself in all aspects of your life; making deals should be second nature. Demand payment up front and never undersell yourself. Heh.

For example, I'm still waiting for my Wife Bonus from O, you know, for managing an efficient and attractive home. I am a strict and elaborately-dressed taskmaster when it comes to cleaning staff and rearing our children stellarly. Okay, so the kids are little silverfish (not a metaphor). I kill them regularly, well, no, I can't bear it - they are so cute - but I yell for O and he takes care of them.

Mel Kobayashi - Bag and a Beret - floral splendour, heh.
I'm working hard for my wife bonus! The same frilly blouse as the previous post but with a colourful jacket made in Korea. You can see the fabric texture on the arms. Swoony. 
I have been known to body double the cleaning staff. That should get me points! Not only that, I shall demand triple Wife Bonus points for doing dangerous stunt work - it ain't easy hanging over the side of a tub juggling cleaning products and a sponge.* I was thinking I'd buy a sailboat.
(*Don't be fooled, it's all part of my pitch - I don't think I've ever done that!)

I kind of missed out on the Push Ring for pumping out a real kid. But hot-diggity-dog, it may not be too late! I've just found out that a grandmother somewhere, perhaps in an asylum, gave birth to triplets. Ooh, if I have quintuplets that means five rings, right? Tiffany, here I come! (O has just picked up the phone. I think he's calling the asylum, perhaps for himself.)

Mel Kobayashi - Bag and a Beret - gothy jacket
My lovely gothy/rock jacket with mini-ruffled, neon orange, high-collar blouse and flocked Anthropologie pants. New (old) lace-up ankle boots. I wear outfits like this to clean the oven, which is full of electronic goods. 

Holy cow, adding up the Wife Bonuses, the Push Rings, and the profits from my new algorithm and sales strategy, I'll be living on easy street! That's what happens when you put your best foot forward or, in this spectacular example of marketing genius, two best feet forward at the same time. Yes, I'll be the one hopping down easy street like a bunny on crack, wearing a tiara and pushing a quintuplet stroller on my way to the asylum to visit O.

Melanie Kobayashi - Bag and a Beret - my algorithm is busted!
Lacy dress with black slip. I almost donated it. What was I thinking?
I'm linking up to Patti's Visible Monday at Not Dead Yet Style and Catherine's #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb. I'm sure I'll see you there.

Of course, I am definitely NOT for sale. My only pitches are in dodgeball, and they are really quite pathetic. My easy street is on the floor stuffing my face with sweet and salty popcorn or Cheesies. But I am definitely open to Mel bonuses to celebrate my mere existence. Heh. (Case in point: gothy jacket self-gift)

Melanie Kobayashi - DIY T-shirt - I am not a frigging brand! Bag and a Beret

I made that T-shirt a while ago, "I am my own brand." I'm ready to revise my statement: "I am NOT a brand. Kiss my ass." Look for it in a future post. Okay, I won't put the second sentence; that was just a general cry, but not to you, my friends, my valued target audience. Mwah!!

OH, BREAKING NEWS EDIT:
Claire Cormeau was just featured in a George Straight newspaper article, hurrah! She's the uber talented clothing designer of the line Nuage, which I wrote about in my model-ish post here. The article includes my favourite photo. Heh. It's all HERE.
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Glossary

Dodgeball
A team sport where players throw a ball with the intent of hitting players on an opposite team thereby eliminating them from the game. I was about eight years old the last time I played. Heh.

Hot-diggity-dog
An expression of delight or excitement. 

Push Present
A push present is a gift, usually jewellery, given to a woman by her partner after "pushing" out a baby (such a sentimental term). This is a true phenomenon - the jewellery and the pushing. If I had a baby, I'd want a push penthouse, a push billion dollars, a push nanny, a push personal assistant... In fact, I said shove it to the whole thing many decades ago. Shouldn't I get a Shove-It Ring?

Wife Bonus
The term wife bonus was first revealed in a non-fiction book called The Primates of Park Avenue, as the money paid to a Manhattan wife by her banker husband for a wifey job well done. The book was later recalled and marketed as fiction. A hideous concept! O is not the boss of me nor I of him - usually. There is no Daughter Bonus - I made that up.


AND (jeez, she just won't shut up) -


I LOOOVE Mexico! I was featured in Elle magazine's online Mexico edition as one of the 40+ Bloggers You Should Know, along with Accidental Icon, une femme d'un certain âgeStyle Crone, and Not Dressed as Lamb. And the translation wasn't mangled at all! Bwahaha! I was shocked to be included. And of course very happy.

Thank you, ELLE! Well, and thank you to everyone who visits me up here in the colonies. Mwah!

Okay, now I'll shut up. Heh. Have a great week you's guys.


70 comments:

  1. Oh Melanie you are great! Congratulations :)

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    1. Tina, you are quite a gal for saying so. Thank you!!

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  2. Holy shit, you're famous in Mexico! You made the Big Leagues, lady! Bust out the cheapest Prosecco, and spring for the Hawkins Cheesies (not those crappy Cheetohs things)! This is about fekking time!

    In all seriousness, you = amazeballs. I devour your posts, then lick my fingers and pick up the crumbs in the corners after. Brava!

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    1. I had to look up Hawkins Cheesies, I hang my head in shame for not knowing. They look REAL good. I like a puffed cheese products, such as Cheese Pleesers (not a spelling mistake) but not those Cheetohs, yes, PUH! Thanks, Sheila. I hope those are orange cheesie crumbs! Do you know Flava Puffs? I just saw them during my intensive research.

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  3. GAH....too much beautiful stuff, not least the writing! You so good Mel!

    Coral, pink and gray...a heavenly match! Have I asked for that jacket yet?

    signed, Always, ALWAYS, picked last for the dodgeball team in grade school.

    CONGRATS on the Mexican win!

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    1. Dodgeball, what kind of game is that for kids? "Okay, kids, just slam the weakest, smallest kid with this ball and we'll take him/her down and WIN"!? Pfft. I should really GO to Mexico to celebrate, heh.
      Thanks, Sue! Mwah.

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    2. LOL...that was pretty much it. Ah, the good 'ol days...no seat belts, concrete playgrounds and dodgeball.

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    3. When men were men and kids were seen and not heard!

      I was picked last for everything.

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    4. Here's the thing: I was often the team captain and got to choose my players and I alway, always chose my friends. We lost every single game, but we had so much fun. As I got older, the teachers got pissed off that I wasn't choosing the other athletes. Their response turned me off team sports forever.

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  4. I love your updo hair, your red lips, the velvet pants, kickass attitude ... I love it all. Your posts do make me smile!! M x

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    1. Hahaha, thank you, thank you, Vintage Jane!!

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  5. You're my favorite marketing genius, for sure!! and your t-shirts are always fabulous!, mwhaha love them!
    And I'm loving your red ruffled shirt, once more, and loving it even more when worn with another fabulous jacket!!. And that purple jacket is stealing my heart, wouuuu, and teal shiny velvet pants!! delightfully decadent!!
    besos

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    1. You know, I can see you in this outfit! You would look awesome in it. Thanks for your comment, from one decadent woman to another.

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    3. fabulously decadent, for sure!

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  6. You have won the interwebz for the Korean jacket, frothy blouse combo. Hoorah!!! TING TING!!! xo

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    1. Nothing I like better than that TING TING sound. Hahaha! Thanks, Maryanne.

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  7. viva la elle mexico!!! they clearly know what to do!
    congrats my dear! <3
    loooove this post!!! thank you for writing down my - twirling - thoughts on that :-) i´m unable to find the right words without sounding very bitter. but your humor is fantastic!!!!!
    as are your ensembles! THE COLORS! the korean jacket is a burner - love gorgeous prints on structured fabric......
    big hugs!!! xxxxxx

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    1. Oh you said it, gorgeous prints on structured fabric, that's what this jacket is. I bought regular price at the thrift shop - usually I wait until it hits the $5 rack but I didn't want to risk it this time.
      Your compliments swell my head, I may float clear over to Germany for a visit. Thanks, Beate!

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  8. Geeze I missed out on two push presents!! I am liking the idea of Shove it presents, so many people deserve those, I have said shove it to a few things in my time, still no presents?! I am sure your Wife Bonus is being made as I type. Tutu and your own brand at the end, PERFECTION!!

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    1. Hahaha - I know, shove-it gifts. Think of the possibilities. Wife Bonus? The first time I heard the phrase I almost choked. Sorry to hear you missed your Push Prezzies. But you have two awesome sons. That's pretty good reward. Thanks for your comment!

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  9. Push presents - I just lost my oatmeal. I think we should give ourselves Mel-presents and Patti-presents, and everyone-presents whenever we can, even if it's just a sip of tequila with lunch. Love, love the frothy blouse! And everything else too, xox

    -Patti
    http://notdeadyetstyle.com

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    1. The first time I heard the phrase Push Ring I couldn't believe it! I thought my friend was joking. Apparently it was big deal with, guess who, Kardasheemings - can't even type the name. Ooh yes, I agree, little gifts all the time for everyone. But without the stupid names. Thanks for your visit, Patti!

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  10. You have me laughing with my morning coffee, as usual! Your photos, writing and humor slay! Such an honor to be included in the Elle Mexico piece with such fabulous bloggers. Including you, of course!

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    1. I gulped big time when I saw I was in Elle, and in your fantastic company!! Hurrah!! I can only laugh at this other stuff, right? Seriously, push rings? Wife bonuses? Hahaha! At least it keeps a smile on my face after the piss-off-edness has faded. Great to see you, Judith.

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  11. Oooh congrats on winning Mexico - viva la Frida!

    As to the gifts - well I firmly believe you should buy your own damn flowers et al - but then I'm an unnatural woman who chose to be child-free and who for many years was the household breadwinner. However, I'm not bitter LMAO.

    I do very much like the idea of Shove-It gifts - as I'm usually the one egging folks on to tell some troublesome oik to shove it. Kind of like a self-esteem award - or a very shouty Pandora bead.

    The flock trousers are divine.

    Finding-my-tribe and polishing my unique selling point

    Elaine Monkeypaints

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    1. Hahaha - I would LOVE to see a shouty Pandora bead!! I think you're onto something! I would totally buy into that. And I would call it a Shouty Tralala Bead. Yeah, our tribes are all out there, scattered here and there, camouflaged in whatever. Come out, come out, wherever you are. My algorithm should help. I'll give it to you when it's perfected.
      You always make me laugh. Thanks, Elaine Monkeypaints!

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    2. See ... genius - Beyonce has her Formation whilst the Inappropriately Dressed Older Lady has Melanie's Algorithm. Also - you should have put a Shove-it Ring on it.

      I can see the video now.

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    3. You know of course that Inappropriately Dressed Older Lady is IDOL? Hahaha!!

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    4. I see your IDOL and raise it - IDOLDAL (Inappropriately Dressed Older Lady Dressed As Lamb).

      Zoolander eat your heart out.

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  12. You aren't a brand, that's just mass produced corporate boredom, which you most definitely aren't.
    Loving the dandy-ish brocade outfit and your crazy teeshirts.
    Big in Mexico? They've got great taste - Morrissey's almost a god there. xxx

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    1. Yeah, I thought, yes, I'm a brand, and then I recoiled - Dammit, I'm not a brand - I'm a human being person! So easy to be sucked in. Not for sale. And of course YOU know that. I love being a dandy. Thanks, Vix, for keeping it real.

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  13. Don't know how to say congratulations in Spanish, but how cool about you and the other fab bloggers being featured in Elle Mexico!! We will have Margaritas to celebrate.

    I had no idea that "Push Presents" were even a thing. Knowing that it is makes me feel somewhat depressed and nauseous. I love the lacy Middle Aged Kitteh dress.

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    1. Ooh yes, Margaritas! Lovely! ELLE Mexico is tremendous! Hahaha.

      Yes, Push Presents. Hideous. HIDEOUS. See my response to Patti, too.

      Wife Bonus, equally hideous. The power politics of the mere idea makes me spit up in my mouth. Even to call it a salary. Of course doing full-time child and home care deserves respect and money, but to put yourself in the role of employee to a PARTNER? The money should be there without asking on both sides. Is this a weird idea?

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  14. I just love these pictures - all of them! You don't mention your high-waisted shoulder bag (or am I just too blind to see it?), which is lovely and safe under your armpit. No pickpockets can access it there without a fondle, thus both alerting you and giving you a little thrill.

    I can't wait to see your new T-shirt "I am NOT a brand." I think you should add the "Kiss my ass" on the back or the sleeve. It needs to be there!

    Elle-o, Elle-o, what's this? You es la protagonista in multiple languages now! Muy bueno!

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    1. Fondle and thrill alert - hahaha!! Another feature of the under-pit bag is the odour is also a powerful deterrent against theft. I often wear my bag like this, up tight under the arm because, well, the strap is short. You should see me trying to get it off sometimes. Or doing windmill arms trying to reach inside it.
      Yes, I need to go to Mexico now to pick up my reward. Heh.
      Thanks, Val! xo

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  15. Many congratulations on the Elle Mexico article, the rest of the world really doesn't know what its missing, your talent knows no bounds. Great photos as usual , your photographer deserves a raise and a gift.

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    1. I fully agree with the raise and gift for the photographer. I'll get right on it! Hahaha. Thank you, Jill.

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  16. I love how zany you are! It's nice to know I am not the only eccentric (has been my epithet since I was 14- was called eccentric by many teachers!) . I love the thought of you perilously hanging over the side of the bath. I really hate cleaning the bath! Like, really hate it. My two most hating cleaning jobs are washing the kitchen floor and cleaning the bathroom!!!x

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    1. Can you believe I was a chambermaid for one short summer? Hahaha! It taught we everything I need to avoid later in life. I really needed a padded suit or why don't they make padded tubs?
      I love your "eccentric" life, Kezzie. We definitely have a connection there. Except you're a really, really talented musician.
      Thanks for your visiting. Always a pleasure.

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  17. I think you deserve the wife bonus too and well done on fame in Mexico!x

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    1. Yes, my wife bonus is supposedly "in the mail." Heh.

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  18. Looking fabulous as ever, Mel. The Korean jacket is lovely.

    Along with 'A Room of One's Own' (Virginia Woolf), what every woman needs, at least when I was teaching Women's Studies back in the late 90s and early noughties, was a wife!! So many men are successful because they have a wife who does all the background stuff leaving them free to climb the corporate ladder, greasy pole or academic hierarchy...

    A push present sounds quite disgusting, but I believe the origin of an eternity ring was a gift from a husband to a wife on the birth of their of their first child, so not quite so disgusting after all! It's just semantics after all....
    By the way, love your algorithim!

    Congratulations on your Mexican award, too.

    Have a fab week.

    Veronica
    vronni60s.blogspot.com

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    1. Oops, my reply is under Connie's comment...

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  19. Oh, girlfriend!

    http://www.underemployedistheneworganic.com/2015/05/wife-bonus.html

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  20. I love the ideas expressed in A Room of One's Own. I so agree - that the background work often makes the other's successes possible. I bristle at the idea of one party wielding financial power over the other. Both sides contribute to the success, as you say.

    I like the idea of an eternity ring where the design itself symbolizes eternal love. But I suppose a push ring could too. I just associate a push ring with reality TV. Bleh.

    Yeah, that old algorithm has been with me a while. I don't think I'll replace it after all. Hahaha.

    Thanks for your thought-provoking comment, Veronica. I really appreciate it. I hope you have a great week too.

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  21. A push present? Wife salary? I'm bringing this up at my next family meeting. I have a feeling I will be asking for back payments for YEARS!!! I will be RICH!!!

    Pugs count for pushes right? They are much bigger than any silverfish. ( I HATE those! so slimey!)

    I adore the outfit with the bold turquoise, orange and purple!

    bisous
    Suzanne

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    1. Oh yeah, you and me BOTH, back pay plus interest. Hahaha! I've never touched a silverfish, and to be fair we only had a brood of two so far. We had a centipede as well, from the jaws of hell, go figure - not my child!! A pug would count as many pushes though, worthy of many jewels, at least according to my modified algorithm.

      Hugs, Suzanne. LOVE your comments!

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  22. How about putting your brand on a bottle of vitamins . . . I want you've energy, NOW!!!

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    1. Hahaha!! Thanks for visiting, Connie. Good to see you!

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  23. Gosh woman, you are going around the world. And rightfully so. You are unique and stylish. And your face is very attractive. Have I ever said that before?
    As for your outfits... Great T-shirts. You should sell them. I love the Korean jacket with the red blouse and the purple trousers. Love it. Of course the purple jacket is still lovely too.
    And don't you say these bonus things... O has given you beautiful rings. Made by himself. And the loupe. Without pushing anything.
    Greetje
    PS I think O was phoning the asylum for you my dear. not for himself haha

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    1. Oh Greetje, don't think I know how good I've got with O. He gives me bonuses ALL THE TIME!!! (But it didn't fit with my feisty piece here. Heh.) I give him bonuses too, like those tailored pants I made him (which he doesn't wear because they look funny, but I TRIED). And he's fantastic with our "child" care. Especially spiders.

      Hahaha!!! You are so right about the asylum. Hahaha!! Thanks Greetje, for the laugh. And your kind comments.

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  24. So fascinating your outfits..., too exciting to go to sleep now before work at scool starts again tomorrow ;-). And - dear Mel - tomorrow I'll have a post in German and in English... Good night from Germany - Ghislana

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    1. And English, I am so happy. But I hope you didn't go to too much trouble! Thank you so much for your visit, Ghislana.

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  25. These outfits are all spectacular!!!!!

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    1. Love your new post too! Groovy! Thanks for dropping by.

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  26. Gawd you're gorgeous. Wait. What? We're supposed to get rewards for these things?? Crap. I didn't even get a t-shirt. But You, dear Melanie, are beloved internationally. O has supremely good taste and apparently a very clean bathtub.

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    1. That was simply my "bathtub cleaning PITCH" - pitches are often exaggerated. Heh. It sometimes seems like life is being translated into an accounting ledger. Pitui. We don't need those Tiffany jewels, right? Thanks, Connie. I love seeing you!! Mwah.

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  27. Oh Melanie, you said it all - and brilliantly so! Looove the Korean jacket (what a coincidence that I wrote about Korean stuff today too), and the colorful outfit. Congratulations on your Elle Mexico news!! I'm getting over there to read now.

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    1. I must go read your post now. I have a friend who adores Korean-made clothes as well. This was the first piece I'd seen and bought - I couldn't pass up the colours and texture. Thanks for your comment, Natalia!

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  28. Well damn, I had no idea there was such a thing as a Push Present! I bet the spouse knew and just didn't tell me.

    I'm glad you didn't donate that lacy dress. And I remember silverfish from the first time I stayed with a friend in Vancouver. Ewwwwww. I'd leave that up to O too. :)

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    1. We've only had two or three little silvery kids. O is a great father - hahaha!! Thanks for visiting. Always so happy to see you.

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  29. our photos and text are always making me smile so hard! thanks for making my evening brighter

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    1. Thanks so much, Lyosha. Smiles are best.

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  30. You're so funny! I always have a blast reading your texts. The way you play with the words is very entertaining, especially with the bussiness vocabulary that seems ever present these days.

    I absolutely love all the tshirts you painted and created! They suit you so well. One must never understimate a good graphic tee. If it has a message after our own heart or one we created ourselves, then it can make us feel like superheros.

    You do deserve a bonus! wife, daughter, person bonus and all kinds of bonuses...and one big one for your creativity and joy of life.

    P.S. I've read that interview with Claire, she sounds like a fascinating person and a very talented designer. I love how she is both inspired by her upbringing/background and focused on seeing what is on the market and what is missing. You do look stunning in that editorial, you rocked her designs.

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    1. Humour keeps me alive and I'm so happy if it makes other people laugh too. I admire your creativity so much too Ivana - your paintings and your clothing and jewellery. You always inspire me in new projects. The process of the work makes the world slip away.

      I'm lucky that O and I are pretty good with giving bonuses to each other.

      And Claire is such a thoughtful, gifted designer. Meeting young women like her gives me so much hope for the future.

      Thanks, Ivana, for your lovely comment.

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  31. Gosh you really do know how to make people laugh!! LOVE this post and the photos are brilliant. I especially love the middle aged kitten tee. Purrfect ;)
    Suzy x
    www.suzyturner.com

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    1. Oh hurrah - mission accomplished. I love comedy. A laugh makes all the bad stuff disappear, even if only for a second.
      Thanks so much for your positive energy, Suzy.

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