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Saturday 22 October 2016

The shoes that ate Vancouver

You know how I go downtown almost every morning to check out my turf, right? Well the other day, I cut through Nordstrom on my way home and was overcome by a crowd of highly-excited women who appeared at a glance to be dressed in black blazers, black skirts, white blouses, and heels. They were scurrying around like bumper cars in a velvet-roped corral in the shoe section.

I didn't have a photo of bumper cars so this will have to do

Holy cow! Clearly I didn't get the memo and looked down at my bathmat white maxi coat, three-sizes-too-big white chinos, white DIY boob-cooler T-shirt and turtleneck, black Italian ankle boots, tower hair, and Joan Crawford red lips. I thought, hm, this might end badly for me.

What?! No memo?!

Had I missed the "filming in progress" signs and stumbled onto the set of a new David Lynch movie? Was this Purgatory!? To their credit, everyone looked great but in a mass-fabulous way that makes it hard to see the trees for the forest without a little neon pink tulle for focus. Blazered eye correction can do that to a person.

Blazered eye correction

Regaining my composure, I then noticed lines of anxious women in a phalanx along the perimeter of the store, all clutching shopping bags. And wait! They were being fed champagne. Whaaat? Where's my champagne? Quickly I spotted the head security guard looking like a god from central casting. I approached him with my best VIP face and asked, How do I get in?, What's happening?

Seeing red in the Louboutin shoe department

He explained that Christian Louboutin was expected on the premises in about 30 minutes to sign purchases of his footwear, then indicated the table and throne behind him where the maestro would sit. So the price of admission was new red-soled shoes, which clearly the lined-up women had paid, and apparently this was non-negotiable as no amount of seductive Norma Desmond eye bulging on my part would change his mind. I'm losing my touch.

Guess which one is me.

I wanted to tell these women, hey, I'll scribble on your old shoes for free! Maybe it's a good thing I left my folding card table, Sharpie, and lawn chair at home. Well, maybe not for free. I'd be like Lucy from Charlie Brown comics and charge 5 cents.

But really, all this fuss for a signature on a shoe? Isn't that weird? You're just going to put your stinky feet in there and literally drag his name through the mud. But maybe these disciples have shoe shrines in their homes and never wear them or are carried by servants when they go out. Maybe they will try to sell their shoes on eBay. Or maybe they've had the sweat glands in their feet surgically removed. Do they even do that? Could I make my millions with this idea? Would Louboutin invest?

My farked boots - post on them here. Note my signature. Free.

I wondered what would happen if Valentino had an in-store signing of thong underwear. Would women wear them? Can you sell pre-owned undies on eBay? Is there even a Mr. Valentino and does he make thongs?

As for me? I only wear diamonds on the soles of my shoes, baby. I find them in the thrift store. Priceless. Okay, maybe not diamonds, but they are still rocks of a sort. They get stuck in the cracks.

Goners. Days ago both shoes in the right pair cracked. I should have bought some Looboos.

I'll hook something up with Patti and Catherine when they go live later, Visible Monday/Not Dead Yet Style and #iwillwearwhatilike/Not Dressed as Lamb, respectively. (In fact, I linked up an Instagram photo for Catherine instead.)

Oh, I made a video of most of my posted outfits from October '15 to October '16, photos from here, Instagram, and a couple new ones.  I put this on IG too but this version is the original size. Much better.


That's all. Have a great week everyone!!!


  1. wow, that video was awesome. All Melanie All The Time. yeah, bay-bee.

  2. What a spectacle! After seeing 2 exhibits on Christian Louboutin shoes I might have wanted to stand in line. He has quite an interesting story. Of course, like you, I wouldn't have wanted to pay for any shoes. I wonder if I could have brought some consignment shoes with me to have him sign. I probably would have been thrown out with the riff raff. (Two guys named Riff and Raff that adore overpriced women's high heeled shoes.)

    Loved this story : P


  3. Thank you, Mel, I now know who Christian Louboutin is! And his shoes! And the price of his shoes! (I think I need a few more blog and Instagram followers before I can even consider being able to pay those prices!!) I love The Video, revisiting fabulous sleeves, coats and all. Great post, keep them coming. xx

  4. the video is awesome. You look fab all the time. I on the other hand, oh, never mind.

  5. Enjoyed your video , a year of all your amazing outfits, what could be better. I guess if you are a collector of Louboutins you can afford a pair to be signed and never worn.

  6. I'd much rather you scribbled on my shoes especially if they ended up as awesome as your ankle boots.
    I'm a crap excuse for a woman, I don't get expensive shoes or handbags, I'd rather waste my money on having fun. xxx

  7. you're hillarous....and did make me giggle! What do they do with those signed shoes, I wonder. As you proposed, maybe they sell them on ebay? Quite possible. I can imagine some guy buying it for his sweetheart...and maybe she would store them away.

    Who really walks in Christian Louboutin shoes anyway?;) so your ideas about being carried away by servants might make sense...or for those ladies that do wear them for special events, maybe they do have their sweat glands surgically removed? or not...No need for surgery supposedly botox would does the trick.

    and I would liked if you signed some shoe of mine, I'm sure you have a lovely signature;)

    I absolutely love your all white outfit...It's drop dead gorgeous...and the black boots are the perfect way to finish it off.

  8. Thank you for this wonderful LOL perspective on "high-end" fashion. You can sign my sneaks any day and I will treasure them. No thongs though - ow, ow, ow. xo


  9. Gimme those hand painted boots any day Melanie - I'm all for unique over mass produced that's for sure! That cream creation was seriously cool. Only you can wear clothes that are way too big, yet you still look awesome. Me, I'd just look like a bag lady!
    Love ya,
    Anna x

  10. Melanie - those farked boots are absolutely fabulous. I bet they knock spots off the Christian Louboutin shoes anyday! As always you look gorgeous even doing your Norma Desmond impression.

    Have a lovely week


  11. You are so right. If Louboutin shoes were heaven to walk in, I might understand. But that is not the case. Nor with Jimmy Choo's. And I find it an outrage to pay so much money and still have sore feet.
    Besides, your farked boots are so much better. They are (even to me, yes) such beauties. I think they would go well with my Van Gogh spencer.
    This post shows again your creativity: the white/cream outfit and the video. AND the farked boots.
    You rock.
    PS stupid women to all be dressed the same. Never left boarding school.

  12. I would stand in line to have you customize a pair of my shoes, but not to get a pair of shoes signed on the sole. I so love your farked boots, and that video (what is the soundtrack?) It really shows how brilliant you are at styling yourself when you get to see all those outfits together like that.

  13. Great reprise.

    Mr Louboutin seems to be a darling man but really, donning a uniform before joining a herd of sheep behind a velvet rope? Non.

    Are your cracked soles beyond the help of a shoe repairer?

    You are aspirational as always xx

    Elaine Monkeypaints

  14. I'm with Greetje - they aren't even comfortable shoes! I got rid of my one pair of Manolo Blahniks because they just killed my feet. Now if it were John Fluevog, maybe, but I bet the clientelle would be hella more interesting. You're fabulous, as always!

    1. Oooh, yes, Fluevogs! My tootsies prefer those, Doc Martens, and Birkenstocks. I think the black-blazered throng at Nordstrom would would disapprove. Hmmm... kinda makes me like my footwear all the more. Muwahahaha!

  15. I've been planning to do a fark job on a pair of boots and you've given me the courage to go for it. I especially love the ones with the sweet little person on them.
    LA LA boo! Tons ? NEVER, His version of farking doesn't speak to me and his prices just piss me off.
    The video was great!!! I got to see some ensembles I missed and the music was perfect. You just keep delighting us with your vidoes!! Those silly ladies in the blazers need to see de light!!!!

  16. I've been planning to do a fark job on a pair of boots and you've given me the courage to go for it. I especially love the ones with the sweet little person on them.
    LA LA boo! Tons ? NEVER, His version of farking doesn't speak to me and his prices just piss me off.
    The video was great!!! I got to see some ensembles I missed and the music was perfect. You just keep delighting us with your vidoes!! Those silly ladies in the blazers need to see de light!!!!

  17. oh my!
    are you sure that were grown up women - not teenagers?? this sounds total silly to me.... - for what - to show how wealthy you got married??? ;-P
    but i would definitely pay for some shoes that you have farked!! or we swap - sewing for farking ;-)
    much love! xxxxxx
    p.s.: wonderful white suit! real glamour!! <3

  18. mwahaha, all those black blazered women running to get their shoes signed by a designer, that's shocking absurd, but also very Real!
    Anyway, you were fabulous in your white ensemble, and love your video!! (my computer is letting me watch some videos Now!, hurrah!)
    besos & fun

  19. Here in Scotland, we are currently in The Season of the Black Polyester. All black, all the time. As for Louboutin….meh. I much prefer Manolo Blahnik. Say what you will about being stuck in the 90s. And that white look is EVERYTHING. Boob cooler. Hee.

  20. You have me laughing once again. I prefer your farked boots to Louboutin any day. And your white ensemble? I'm sure it was the most interesting in Nordstrom's on the day of your appearance. Brava!

  21. I'm cracking up at the description of the Nordy gals. I work nearby the one in downtown Seattle and before the doors open there is usually a gaggle of rather emaciated looking women all in black with blown-out perfectly bobbed hair waiting to get in. It's weird. If I am noticed at all (and since they rarely make room for me to get through on the sidewalk I seem to be invisible), they look askance at my clunky punky footwear and crazy free-range curly red hair. Whatevs.


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