Saturday, 29 February 2020

Thoughts on air travel as a submarine-setter

In my life as a influencer, heh, and jet-setter (clarify: private-submarine-setter whenever possible), I must often fly to fake locations around the world. Sometimes I have to go to real places too. Oh, bother!

A while ago I flew, not by self-propulsion, which is another excellent option (see below), but on a plane. I had a suitcase. And I was in class H. Yes, you read that right. Remember when there used to be economy and first class, then business class nudged its way in, until this: class H, which presumably stands for Hot Hottie.

I was class Q (stands for "This is quackers!") on my return flight.
I thought there was a misprint.

My favoured way to fly.
One of my first self-propulsion flights.

I expected my boarding lineup to be way over in the other terminal I was so far down the list. If I was lucky there might be a bicycle or push scooter to transport me down the line. But no, I was lumped in with all the uppity classes, C D E F and Gs, and was later forced to sit with people waaay below my class, L M N O P. The indignity! Meanwhile, the As and Bs got their own rarefied air travel experience shuffling in the line next to mine. No mooing herd heard.

I know Canada is a classless society, but we certainly adapt quickly when it comes to air travel. [haughty sniff]

What to pack for an overnight trip 
This is part of what I brought with me. 
It's crucial that everything fits in a carry-on bag. 
I brought six attendants to aid in this process. 

Upon boarding and settling into your seat, you may discover that the person beside you is maybe a class F (Frickin' Frick), two steps above my class H.

She certainly didn't look class F, more like a J. 
Oh, the charade!! 

In fact, I only found out her higher status because she got priority snack service, which meant she could buy her potato chips first (crisps), grrr, but included in the price was the ire of everyone within eyesight and earshot of her crunch and grin. I thought, Heh, good deal! - nothing like being locked in a tubular cage surrounded by people who hate you for five hours.

But maybe this is the essence of the class structure. The one-percenters get chips (if class F counts); the rest of us watch and listen and get jealous and mad, while they crunch, look smug, exhale their horrible chip breath all over the place, and prepare to dash to the nearest exit. Sigh.

WHAT TO WEAR FOR AIR TRAVEL IN CLASS H 
(Class H stands for Class Hot Hottie)

Adding injury to insult, the flight attendant dropped that mini can of chips on my wrist and it really really hurt bad. Did I get free chips? No! But she brought me a clear plastic baggie knotted at the top and filled with ice chips sloshing around in reddish water which looked like meat juice. There were probably shards of bone in there too.

What fresh hell was this!? 

If I were class E or F (remember I was H), I'm sure I would have received at least a blue Freezie pop. I'm sure in Class A or B they would have forgone the meat runoff and just slapped a raw sirloin steak on my wrist before serving it to me for lunch.

I suppose this setup has a certain fairness, except for my grievous injury. The woman beside me paid more for the extras, like PRIORITY CHIPS, like you pay for extra space: x dollars for right elbow room, x dollars for earlobe space, hip space, baby toe space, x  dollars for middle finger space, but many of us just take advantage of that one without paying, which begs the question:

Is that breaking the rules?

I should get on board with this new reality and propose that airlines charge for oxygen. You get x cubic litres for x dollars. Of course it would be timed so you have to top up when you get close to your destination. It's only good marketing. And extra-fresh air for an extra fee. Miz Bagg always used to charge me for air in the office.

I can envision all kinds of money-making schemes.
  • "Yes, sir, that is indeed your pudding. You didn't order a container or a spoon." 
  • "No bathroom privileges for you! You didn't pay the extra $100." "But this is a 10 hour flight!" Which of course would boost sales for the fresh air option.
Another flying adventure, this time with co-pilot Sandra @standard.deviations.

I'm sure the troll on the wing of the plane in that Twilight Zone episode below would never get away with free passage on the wing like that these days. Trolls must board like the rest of us, regardless of their class, where at least we can all keep an eye of them, as if that helps.


Really, if I could self-propulse everywhere I would, but it gets cold up there. After this experience, I'm truly grateful for my private luxury submarine. If I could only figure out how to portage it across the prairies I wouldn't have to put up with this nonsense. Suggestions?

TOWER, WE'RE READY FOR TAKE-OFF

I hope you are all fine and dandy. I've been missing this blog world.


12 comments:

  1. Miz Bagg is always ahead of the curve...charging for air in the office. I wish I'D thought of that!

    Maybe each class gets their own unique troll. The women in class A get Cirque du Soleil acrobats, class B gets bare chested Chippendale dancers. Waaaay-the-feck back in class Feckity-Feck F they get a nasty, mean, filthy sock puppet, a distant relative of Ed the Sock. Remember him? Class F gets his second cousin twice removed. I don't think he even does anything. He just puffs on a disgusting cigar butt and scowls. Even HE is pissed that he is the troll for feckity-feck F losers.

    The meat juice in a bag is another reason I became vegetarian some 40 years ago. Just the thought of meat juice in a bag make me want to hurl.

    Damn 1% priority chip munchers are ruining it for everyone.

    I think you and I need to fly together.

    Suzanne

    ReplyDelete
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    1. PS I think I would like the show of Ed the Sock's second cousin twice removed most of all. Hahaha.

      Do remember when the Red Hot Chili Peppers wore socks? Kind of like the Chippendales.

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  2. Well, don't forget our inaugural flight on Air Bagg! It was all the things that this flight was not: spacious, with hot drinks (remember we clinked our glasses but didn't drink anything?) and monitors in the backs of the seats to admire ourselves, and let's not forget the on-board exercises.

    Yes, I think we should blame all those 1% chip munchers for EVERYTHING!! That really hurt too. And there was a real baggie of meat juice. Gross. I didn't want it to touch my wrist.

    I'm giddy to have a comment. Thanks, Suzanne! Heh.

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  3. Ha ha ha, you are hilarious! How does your mind work? Well, brilliantly of course!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Nancy! Welcome welcome. So glad you could drop by! High altitude flier one day, deep sea submariner the next - no doubt it has an effect. Ed the Sock, Chippendales, or Cirque du Soleil for you? (See Suzanne's comment) I vote for Ed's cousin.

      Delete
  4. Oh, there you are! I was going to put a Miz Bagg-age claim in for you, you've been gone for so long! Airplanes are flying torture devices, I swear. I just cannot handle all the foofaraw and being crowded so much. I'll happily pay $1000 to be sedated. I mean, why are they not offering this option!? I'd also pay to sedate everyone else, with only me awake, but that could get expensive.

    And yet, I will be cramming my arse into a plane to zoom over (makes plane arms and puttering noises...VROOM!!) to visit you soon! Less than three weeks! It's like Christmas!

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    Replies
    1. You'd be better off forgetting the baggage and taking the insurance money. Heh. But yes, I've been too long away. I enjoyed writing again. Sedation sounds highly civilized! Count me in! I can't wait to see you guys. It's always a treat. At least it's a short flight for you. xo

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  5. I think you are right, there must be better ways to travel. I would love to teletransport myself. Vanish here in Holland and reappear on your doorstep in seconds. No pollution, no hassle, no great big airports etc. The merits are endless. As for your thoughts on the class system, I am afraid this behaviour is in men and animal since we are on earth. I have been re-reading a book by Richard Conniff called The Natural History of the Rich: A Field Guide. Brilliant read, explaining why we (and particularly the rich) behave like we do. So funny and enlightening.
    As for paying for extras... did I send you this video link about "cheap flights" before? I might have done as it is one of my favourites for years: https://youtu.be/HPyl2tOaKxM
    Greetje

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Teleportation - you know, I wouldn't be surprised if we manage that some day. I always wanted to fly Concorde. Too bad about its unhappy ending. And so true about the class thing. It's not so bad if you're the one at the top, right? Heh. The book sounds great, especially if it's funny.

      I LOVE that video. I encourage everyone to check out that link!! Thanks, Greetje. xo

      Delete
  6. What a hilarious post! And, of course, all the benefits and baggage of classed society are most visible on an airplane where the classes all rub up against each other and everyone can eyeball and side-eye everyone else.

    Seriously, chick, you need a stage of your own.

    BTW,

    ReplyDelete
  7. You absolutely crack me up!!!!! So funny! There was talk about Ryan air removing seats from planes so you had to pay if you wanted a seat as well as a place on the plane. This is why we call it SCUM BAG AIR!!
    Ahrgh, yes, we all hate other people on flights...especially those with SCREAMING BABIES! I wanted to murder a baby during the first hour of my flight to Cape Town. Luckily it shut up after an hour!
    Love your traffic cone.
    Also, I think it would be really funny if you refilmed the first video but from further away so we could see what was going on with the bottom half of your body- it would be really funny!!x

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  8. And the blog world has been missing you. IG is fine and all, but it is eye candy. Blog posts are meatier, more substantive.

    ReplyDelete

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