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Sunday 12 January 2020

Happy 2020. And wearing beige on my way to millions

Happy New Year. 2020. When I was 12, I thought the year 2000 was like la-la Lost-in-Space time, but now in 2020, it turns out my thoughts were not too far off the mark after all. These are definitely non-fiction science-fiction times. Case in point, I'm wearing beige. And a trendy item, a puffer coat. Highly SF because beige is like my kryptonite, not as much as it used to be, but still.

Okay, beige, but it is pearlescent and ultra warm, 
a generous donation from a friend. 
I'm trying to be badass. It's exhausting. Flyaway brows help.

I was interested to read yesterday that scientists recently put 3D glasses on a cuttlefish and studied its behaviour as it watched movies, real story HERE. The glasses look like wings on each side of its head. Question: Who exactly made the glasses, where did they study how to make them, and did they overcharge? Also, did the cuttlefish get popcorn?

So I'm now thinking of attaching cuttlefish to each side of my own head and studying my own behaviour, but that would only work in water (with a snorkel because I wouldn't want the cuttlefish to suffocate in the air). But in water I wouldn't be able to eat popcorn. I could eat the cuttlefish, but that would defeat the point of the exercise, which I'm not convinced existed in the first place. So there goes that idea! Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Badassery pose 2. How much longer can I keep this up?!

Maybe I'll just learn how to make 3D glasses for octopus instead. I'll make a fortune!

I also read that people who snore are now being encouraged to lose weight on their tongue, real story HERE. Yeah, well, I got to work on that right away, much easier to do than attaching cuttlefish to my head. I've been writing! Look for my new books in your favourite bookstores:
  • Tongue 'o Steel 
  • Six-pack Tongue in Six Days 
  • Tongue in Cheek 2, 3, 4...  
  • 105 Slobber-free Habits to Tone your Tongue 
  • Gimme Some More Tongue! 
  • Tone up with Tongue Wagging
Yes, I've been busy.

I have already submitted patent applications for a revolutionary weight pack to wrap around your tongue for 24-hour strength training and a customized tongue weigh scale so you can measure the results. Of course I'll start a Tonguexercise franchise. I just need to make sure that a slender toned tongue doesn't weigh more than a thin flaccid one. These are questions that keep me awake at night.

Scientists suggest playing the didgeridoo as an effective means of losing tongue fat and as an alternative to CPAP machines. True.

Whew! Good assery!

Gosh, with 3D octopus glasses and my tongue exercise empire, I'm finally gonna make my millions in 2020! Of course, you'll all want to be my friend now so you too can hop aboard the Mel Money Train, woo-woo. That's okay. There's room for everyone and I'll enjoy the company.

Yes, keywords being woo-woo.

It's a wacky world, no doubt about it. I could talk about sustainable shopping and recycling or the fires in Australia or the crises unfolding in the Middle East or Trudeau's new facial hair, but frankly, as Madeline Kahn said so well in the 1974 movie Blazing Saddles, "I'm tired." If we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be very good at taking care of others.

Mel Brooks's satirical film Blazing Saddles. I'm not sure how well 
it holds up with time, but I LOVE Ms. Kahn

So "Back to the studio!" as Bridget Jones (fictional character from book/movie Bridget Jones's Diary) famously cried after sliding down the fireman's pole. See the brilliant clip HERE.

My studio in this case is a music studio because, look!, I wrote a song, kinda. I hope it's a No. 1 hit on those charts if they even exist anymore because I'm so out of it I wouldn't really know. Do they still have Billboard?
A Smart Kinda Nurse (an original song)
By Crone (my band name) 

I get on with life as a nurse,
I'm a smart kinda person.
I like golf and badminton.
I like to contemplate slippers.
But when I start to daydream,
My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Slippers or...
Wine?

I like to use words like 'awesome' and 'neato.'
I like to use words about slippers.
But when I stop my talking,
My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Slippers or...
Wine?

I like to hang out with Mary and Rhoda.
But when left alone,
My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Slippers or...
Wine?

I hate the dark and carrots.
But I just think back to wine,
And I'm happy once again.

Five six seven eight...

Song Lyrics Generator HERE actually generated it, but I had to fill in the crucial bits with untrue facts. If any of you want to add music, please do and send it to me. I'll record it badly and my rock star dreams coming true will add to my moguldom.

Blast from the past, VOGOFF e-zine, June 2013 issue HERE

And I'm linking up to Patti, dagblammit, and her Visible Monday on Not Dead Yet Style when it's time. I look forward to seeing everyone.

Again, Happy New Year! Health and happiness to you all. Hugs all around. Thanks for dropping by. It's been busy here, in a good way. I hope it has been for you too.


19 comments:

  1. Ahhhh, Madeline Kahn to open my day! What's better than that? Your not-beige puffer coat is dreamy (not made from puffer fish, right?) and your millions-making ideas are as always brilliant. (Does my tongue look fat in this?). Thanks for being your extraordinary self and have a groovy day, xox.

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    1. No fish in the coat but don't sniff my pits. Hahaha. Yet another body part to obsess over. I hope you've had a groovy few weeks, Patti. xo

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  2. Everything below the waist is kaput. Sums it up nicely.

    Now I have to worry about how fat my tongue is. Does my face make my tongue look fat? Don't answer that. I don't want a bunch of pervs visiting your blog, anymore than normal ha ha!

    Ah...thanks for this. I needed my Monday to start like this. From now on I need to avoid the news completely and just come to your blog. And she lived happily ever after...

    Suzanne
    http://www.suzannecarillo.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Brilliant lyrics, right? I never even thought of the pervs. Sigh. Glad to add to your paranoia. In out in out in out, harder - talking about your tonguexercise.

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  3. Happy New Year, Mel! Thank you for the rollicking romp through your subconscious!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Sheila! No THANK YOU for remembering my blog is here. It's almost daylight savings time again. What haaaaappened? xo

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  4. You're hilarious!!! And Madeline Kahn is a Goddess. Was. (sob)I do a terrible act to that song with new lyrics about being an elf who is 20,000 years young and is TIRED and just wants to eat chips and watch Oprah in her dressing gown. Relatable?

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    Replies
    1. Why, hello you! Yes, she was indeed a goddess. And yes, your act is relatable. Would love to see it!

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  5. How in the world does your brain work? Haha, you are so unique! Have a fantastic 2020!

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    1. The key question is, does it work? I hope you have a fantastic 2020 too, Nancy. Thanks for much for your comment.

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  6. You always rock!, I've enjoyed a lot to know about a cuttlefish wearing 3D glasses, methods to lose weight on your tongue (and become a millionaire!) and a delightful piece of music and fun!. You've cheered up my day even if you're wearing beige!, this has to be a superpower!.
    Lovely to see you in this new year rocking once more!
    besos

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    Replies
    1. Oh, madam, thank you for your always welcome visit. Such a treat to read your comments. If someone read this without knowing what this post is about, they would be confused. In fact, if someone read this post, they might still be confused. Heh. xo

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  7. Hahaha... that song isn't bad. Not at all. Put it to music my dear. Your plans for the glasses and tongue exercizes are wild and crazy. Like you. You have a very special mind my dear. Going on stage might just be perfect.
    Greetje
    PS never heard of Blazing saddles before and neither did I ever see this Madeline Kahn before. Watched it now and her singing is supposed to be off key?

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    Replies
    1. Great song, isn't it. I wish I could hog all the credit for it. The news is wild and crazy too - I just go along for the ride. I did a public speaking thing at the Art Gallery and had a great time. Stretching my boundaries. Yes, her singing is deliberately off key but she can sing on key any time she likes. She was quite a virtuoso. This was like that link to the three women you sent me and their song about singing off key. Thanks for stopping by, Greetje! xo

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  8. I saw the Cuttlefish story and was completely flummoxed as to who would ever have that idea in the first place. I LOVE Madeline Kahn - definitely a comic genius! The beige coat looks rather nice on you; as you noted, it is pearlescent and cozy. Your personality definitely overcomes it's beige-ness. I love the photo of you near the end where only your face is in focus.

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    1. Right? I want the job of people who come up with these ideas. I guy in BC got a huge grant from the government to study frogs at a pond and the result was those frogs don't live around here, never did. Haha! Excellent. Pffft. Kahn was indeed a genius in my books too. The coat is toasty toasty and sometimes I just gotta surrender to that. I can't believe it's almost daylight savings time again. !!! xo

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  9. You're the best. I'm a Smart Kinda (Retired) Nurse myself.

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    Replies
    1. That's great!! I wasn't a nurse, that was a fake fact, but I have immense respect for people in the profession. I need a melody for those lyrics now. Thanks so much for your comment!

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  10. Being a flute player, my tongue gets a regular workout playing pieces of music!
    BEIGE!???????????????????????? If I squint, you look like Tom Baker's Doctor WHo in that colour and scarf combo! I like the lyrics! When's the tune coming- Ms Baggz video!

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