Happy 2020. And wearing beige on my way to millions

Happy New Year. 2020. When I was 12, I thought the year 2000 was like la-la Lost-in-Space time, but now in 2020, it turns out my thoughts were not too far off the mark after all. These are definitely non-fiction science-fiction times. Case in point, I'm wearing beige. And a trendy item, a puffer coat. Highly SF because beige is like my kryptonite, not as much as it used to be, but still.

Okay, beige, but it is pearlescent and ultra warm, 

a generous donation from a friend. 

I'm trying to be badass. It's exhausting. Flyaway brows help.

I was interested to read yesterday that scientists recently put 3D glasses on a cuttlefish and studied its behaviour as it watched movies, real story HERE. The glasses look like wings on each side of its head. Question: Who exactly made the glasses, where did they study how to make them, and did they overcharge? Also, did the cuttlefish get popcorn?

So I'm now thinking of attaching cuttlefish to each side of my own head and studying my own behaviour, but that would only work in water (with a snorkel because I wouldn't want the cuttlefish to suffocate in the air). But in water I wouldn't be able to eat popcorn. I could eat the cuttlefish, but that would defeat the point of the exercise, which I'm not convinced existed in the first place. So there goes that idea! Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Badassery pose 2. How much longer can I keep this up?!

Maybe I'll just learn how to make 3D glasses for octopus instead. I'll make a fortune!

I also read that people who snore are now being encouraged to lose weight on their tongue, real story HERE. Yeah, well, I got to work on that right away, much easier to do than attaching cuttlefish to my head. I've been writing! Look for my new books in your favourite bookstores:

• Tongue 'o Steel 
• Six-pack Tongue in Six Days 
• Tongue in Cheek 2, 3, 4...  
• 105 Slobber-free Habits to Tone your Tongue 
• Gimme Some More Tongue! 
• Tone up with Tongue Wagging

Yes, I've been busy.

I have already submitted patent applications for a revolutionary weight pack to wrap around your tongue for 24-hour strength training and a customized tongue weigh scale so you can measure the results. Of course I'll start a Tonguexercise franchise. I just need to make sure that a slender toned tongue doesn't weigh more than a thin flaccid one. These are questions that keep me awake at night.

Scientists suggest playing the didgeridoo as an effective means of losing tongue fat and as an alternative to CPAP machines. True.

Whew! Good assery!

Gosh, with 3D octopus glasses and my tongue exercise empire, I'm finally gonna make my millions in 2020! Of course, you'll all want to be my friend now so you too can hop aboard the Mel Money Train, woo-woo. That's okay. There's room for everyone and I'll enjoy the company.

Yes, keywords being woo-woo.

It's a wacky world, no doubt about it. I could talk about sustainable shopping and recycling or the fires in Australia or the crises unfolding in the Middle East or Trudeau's new facial hair, but frankly, as Madeline Kahn said so well in the 1974 movie Blazing Saddles, "I'm tired." If we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be very good at taking care of others.

Mel Brooks's satirical film Blazing Saddles. I'm not sure how well 
it holds up with time, but I LOVE Ms. Kahn

So "Back to the studio!" as Bridget Jones (fictional character from book/movie Bridget Jones's Diary) famously cried after sliding down the fireman's pole. See the brilliant clip HERE.

My studio in this case is a music studio because, look!, I wrote a song, kinda. I hope it's a No. 1 hit on those charts if they even exist anymore because I'm so out of it I wouldn't really know. Do they still have Billboard?

A Smart Kinda Nurse (an original song)

By Crone (my band name) 

I get on with life as a nurse,

I'm a smart kinda person.

I like golf and badminton.

I like to contemplate slippers.

But when I start to daydream,

My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,

I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,

Curved lips I just can't disguise.

But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.

Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?

Slippers or...

Wine?

I like to use words like 'awesome' and 'neato.'

I like to use words about slippers.

But when I stop my talking,

My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,

I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,

Curved lips I just can't disguise.

But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.

Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?

Slippers or...

Wine?

I like to hang out with Mary and Rhoda.

But when left alone,

My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,

I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,

Curved lips I just can't disguise.

But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.

Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?

Slippers or...

Wine?

I hate the dark and carrots.

But I just think back to wine,

And I'm happy once again.

Five six seven eight...

Song Lyrics Generator HERE actually generated it, but I had to fill in the crucial bits with untrue facts. If any of you want to add music, please do and send it to me. I'll record it badly and my rock star dreams coming true will add to my moguldom.

Blast from the past, VOGOFF e-zine, June 2013 issue HERE

And I'm linking up to Patti, dagblammit, and her Visible Monday on Not Dead Yet Style when it's time. I look forward to seeing everyone.

Again, Happy New Year! Health and happiness to you all. Hugs all around. Thanks for dropping by. It's been busy here, in a good way. I hope it has been for you too.

Fifty and Other F-Words: Reflections in the Review Mirror

I occasionally allude to the menopause here on Bag and a Beret - it's hard not to. Mostly I feel majorly ripped off by the whole thing. "Pause" it is not! More like high-speed skidding on hairpin turns in the Alps (not in a good way) with a smile on my face that says I'm on a jolly holiday - "Tra-la, having a grand time!" - just playing my role in what must be the biggest brainwash of all time.

So when Margot Potter asked if I'd like an advance copy of her new book on the Pause and other life challenges, which she called Fifty and Other F-Words: Reflections from the Rearview Mirror, I thought, hell, yeah. I've known her online for years and she always cracks me up. We are the same age and she has pink hair, I mean, really, really pink. Those are Qualifications in my world.

Margot has also been in a rock band, auditioned for real Hollywood TV shows, has regularly appeared on stage and TV locally and nationally, and she was an on-camera shopping channel product expert for 11 years. As you know, I've misted my toes (doesn't qualify as a full-on dip) in some of those waters too, but Margot has plunged full cannonball! And she has authored seven DIY design/craft books and an e-book on personal branding.

So to the book.

The Outside: Excellent bright blue jacket with glittery bits, bubble-gum pink hard cover under it, satisfying heft at 220 pages, published by Sterling Publishing New York. And the colour age-progression shots of Margot on the facing paper are the perfect intro to what's to come.

The Insides: When I sat down to read, I kept turning pages and turning pages until there were none left. It was like a cleansing, invigorating shower, and I sighed with contentment when I was done.

I tagged all the places I laughed out loud or considered vital bits for backup during a harrowing hairpin turn.

Each chapter is a unique riff on an F word - fearless, frazzled, flabby, fashionable, feminist, et cetera - essays, poems, and other wry takes on life, from the highs and lows, to the sideways and side-eyes.

There were many Vulcan mind-meld* moments, like when Margot writes about her life path as a creative. I'm sure many bloggers and artists can relate: a company/buyer says, if you donate this amazing thing to us, we'll reward you, not with money, but something waaaay better - with amazing exposure! She laughs, if you're a knitter, try paying your landlord with yarn. Bwahaha!

I steamed and nodded my head at some of the off-the-cuff remarks she (we all) has fielded as a woman with visible life lines: aren't you a bit long of tooth for that? to be wearing that? to think that? Particularly remarks from men. Ouch. But Margot lobs her ripostes like scoops of ice cream, sweet, sticky, sometimes tooth-crushingly cold, which we catch joyfully in a crunchy sugar cone - decadent, calorie-free. Truly badge-worthy humour.

The top of page 41, bwahahaha! It's in Frazzled. You'll have to get the book. Heh.

Botox, high heels, chiskers, slutty pilgrim costumes, the Cheez-It problem/solution, private investigators, the unmiraculous powers of kale, muffin tops and Bundt cake, it's all in there, with lots of sprinkles and glitter on top, but no kale, definitely no kale.

The take-aways? We are not alone. Any time is a good time for reinvention, but especially after 50. She writes, if Julia Child can do it, so can we! Margot celebrates, cheers, cries, and high-fives us forward, buoyed by everyday magic. I recommend Fifty and Other F-Words: Reflections in a Rearview Mirror. I hope this becomes a bestseller. I do.

Margot's Webpage, FB, YouTube (book trailer) 

IG, The Lady Party (Margot a.k.a. "Madge")

Also, Margot interviewed me as part of her book launch. 

It's HERE, Mel Kobayashi: Fearless Fashion.

*reference to Star Trek sci-fi TV series, a telepathic mind convergence
I was not paid for this review. And Margot didn't give me yarn either. I'm not sure if she knits.

For this shoot at Vancouver Art Gallery, I wore beige tan caramel butterscotch light brown Missoni pants from My Sister's Closet, a striped silk blouse by Scotch and Soda, a felt coat by Yuzhe Studio, and Italian ankle boots from MSC.

The plaza is a very public place to use my tripod, but pffft, I'm such a pro these days. One kind woman stopped and asked if I'd like her to take my photo. Dick was doing a good job (my remote control) so I thanked her and declined. 

Those banners are advertising the Takashi Murakami Exhibit at the gallery, almost over. If you want to see it, you better hurry! Below is Turnip Head in my outfit, reading this book.

I'm linking this outfit up with Visible Monday at Patti's place at Not Dead Yet Style, and #iwillwearwhatilike at Catherine's place at Not Dressed as Lamb. I also linked this up to Catherine's #SaturdayShareLinkUp, where you can share links to any topic. Thanks for that, Catherine.

And thanks for visiting!!

High-low hair, clothes to greet autumn, and big thanks

Excellent - time for another blog post, the best procrastination around! Especially when I fiddle faddle with my photos. Like this:

Autumn is officially here in this hemisphere. And I know that elsewhere, you're breathing a huge sigh of relief now that you've hit summer weather. 

I'm particularly happy to see this autumn, having not been blown up by men with big toys. Aren't you? (Oops, did I just write that?)

If you've been wanting to wear something outrageous and been too afraid, now is the time to put it on and fill yourself and the world with positive energy.

Below, a close-up. Except for this fabulous hand-made scarf by Sevya, which Sherry of Petite Over 40 gave me, these are all things you've seen before, worn in a different combination.

The coat laces up the back corset-style and dips low. Plum, purple, eggplant, aubergine. What's not to love? And that's an old striped dress/tunic and my Rip Curl pants from My Sister's Closet, where I find so many of my treasures. Finally, my magic loupe by O.

Really, the whole thing is so over-the-top that your eye starts to see it as neutral, don't you think? I definitely walk with mega-'tude when I wear this. And I swung around my toolbox hand bag from O, not shown here, like I was somewhere far more glamourous than on my way to the supermarket in search of frozen corn.

For example, in this outfit I imagine hunching over a huge glass desk in the loft of my converted monastery, writing psychedelic poetry or a pop opera called, say, Menopausoff, with a quill pen, with a purring black cat on my lap, my manuscript illuminated by a battery- or solar-powered candle. Modern concessions. Lots of treats are on hand as well, for me and kitty.

And a HAIR TRICK.

The photo below was taken by the very talented Vancouver Barbara when we went to the Rennie Collection in Chinatown for a tour of Bob Rennie's works by Ian Wallace, a renowned local photo/conceptual artist, a genre Vancouver is famous for. It's exactly the kind of intellectual art that constipated me for several decades after I studied it.

There was a faded candid Polaroid of the artist sleeping called Artist at Work. "Genius," everyone enthuses. "$$$!" the artist enthuses. Hahaha. Of course, it's the historical context of its invention that makes his work endure, as is the case with much art. [Edit: And the artist's continuing development of and passion for the work.]

And, yeah, good on him for making a self-admitted throwaway a collectors' item. How can I do that? Anyone interested in my old sweatsocks? If I call it art, will it be so? 

Uh-oh, I need my journal for some Kitty/Turnip Head sketching to cleanse myself of such thoughts. But I enjoyed revisiting my past and debriefing at The Sylvia with Barbara after the tour.

[Edit: I attended a talk by Ian Wallace at the gallery on Oct 4 and I'm so glad I did. It was wonderful seeing the passion he has for his work. Beauty in all its forms was a phrase that kept coming to mind.]

Note the short hair? Haircut by O. He's so good at it! 

Barbara's direction to me at the gallery was, go sit on the those stairs and look sad. I did, and a couple more looked really, really sad, yes, tragic even. And we of course burst out laughing between shots, oh so unladylike!

And what's that on my legs? Beige?!! I was readying my black tux pants when suddenly I thought, gaaa, too much black, and grabbed these: Missoni, perfect fit, knit, with cuffs, also from My Sister's Closet. They were perfect with this brown Pierre Cardin tie, Windsor-knotted, and my velvet blazer.

My first run-in with these pants was HERE, a post called "Clothes the Colour of Porridge."

My hair looks really short up there, right? But below is that same short cut styled into peaks. Who would have guessed? O cut it so I could wear it both pixie and foppish. I love being able to play with these divergent looks.

In other news - 

Sherry interviewed O by email and wrote an amazing post on his art and magic loupe, HERE. Her writing is truly professional and expresses his views so well. Her generous support of his art is amazing. And she's got fantastic style. I LOVE that red lipstick!

And another huge hug is in order for Sylvia of 40+ Style, who put up an Instagram post on the stainless steel/synthetic ruby ring she bought from O.  Thank you so much for including it in a movie clip on your Instagram, below.

If you want a loupe or ring like these, head over to O's Etsy shop, OSK Micro-art Studio.

OOTD featuring a new ring by @bagandaberet's husband. Be sure to check their Etsy store for details. Also featuring @antelopeshoes @stellacarakasi @cosstores . Link to pants is at 40plusstyle.com/wiw. Also don't forget free style challenge starts tomorrow. Click link in profile for details. #womenover50 #womenover40 #styleinspiration #40plusstyle #style

A post shared by Sylvia van de logt (@40plusstyle) on Sep 20, 2017 at 9:42am PDT

I'll link up with Patti's Visible Monday at Not Dead Yet Style (with her cast off!), and Catherine's #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb. I'll bring the drinks. Patti will sing.

And that's it for another week. Stay clean. Stay fed and watered. Stay happily clothed whenever possible. And most of all, stay positive. I'm doing my best here.

Room for change, change room, presto chango

The change room - not so unlike Superman's phone booth. You go in, make a quick change, then emerge with superpowers, at least in the ideal scenario, including the uncanny ability to see bulges as muscle. Heh. 

Faster than a woman swiping the last chocolate croissant, more powerful than matte lipstick, able to leap scummy puddles in a single bound in skyhigh platforms. Look! Up ahead (photo below) -  It's a mutant orange! It's a giant cheese! No, it's Melanie! 

Below is my latest superpower dress, Le Traffic Cone (sister to my traffic cone coat), which I picked up during a blogger shopping spree at Talize Thrift in Delta, BC, with Suzanne (SuzanneCarillo.com), Sue (A Colourful Canvas), and Sherry (Petite Over 40), post on it here.

Photo by Sue, A Colourful Canvas. l to r: Sherry, my back, Suzanne

I spotted this piece in the size 20 dresses. It ticked all the right boxes.

• Audaciously big? Check. 
• Pockets? Check. 
• Nuclear orange? Check. 

I wore it for the first time yesterday, which happened to coincide with the downtown kickoff of Vancouver International Jazz Festival. Imagine my delight at being able to bring traffic cone safety to all the lovely people attending this musical street party. 

Sadly, weakling pixels can't possibly capture the neon-ness of this piece, nor the heavenly swish, but it's all I got. An exciting bit of news is that the Vancouver Art Gallery plaza, closed for renovations for ages, had finally opened for the festivities. Hurray!

Those red sandals are from Talize too and are now a wardrobe staple. They are by Liz Claiborne, not to be confused with the movie Dolores Claiborne, which has one of my favourite lines, "Sometimes being a b*tch is all a woman has to hold onto." Scene here. Brilliant. The blue sunnies came from a vintage shop downtown a year or two ago.

The next photo was also taken at Talize. I challenged myself to wear kyrptonite, I mean beige. I made friends with beige in a previous post, "Clothes the colour of porridge," but decided to test the endurance of our detente, and, yes, our peace treaty endures. Except I didn't like this outfit enough to buy it. Maybe if I had to jet suddenly to England to solve a murder at a village fete, I would wear this.

Photo by Sue, A Colourful Canvas

Below is another change room, this one at Nordstrom. This is like Superman visiting his idyllic home planet, Krypton, before it exploded.

I know, I know, I only go to Nordstrom SPACE for eye candy but during a mega-sale it doesn't hurt to have a taste test, right? Or does it? This top didn't exactly hurt, but it was super prickly and clingy and cloying, and the skirt's lace and tulle were prickly with an expensive falling-apart quality. 

For modesty, I photo-edited-out my underwear under the lace skirt, which also features huge gaps in the front and sides by design (the skirt, not my underwear).

Although this ensemble is sweet, it's too much treacle for me, even with its propensity for scandalous wardrobe malfunctions. This outfit makes me proud of my farked boob cooler t-shirt here - scandal without the prickles, price, and tangle. But I know this piece will look fabulous on somebody else, which was why I was drawn to it in the first place.

Below, now we're talkin'! Comme des Garçons or a variation thereof [Junya Watanabe], the top of course. It was an ordeal to put this on too: a leather harness contraption with origami-ed filmy fabric bits forming an ethereal cage. Did I love it? Yes, I did. It was $3,100 Cdn marked down to $1,100 Cdn., but I balked, like a chicken, balk balk-balk-baaaalk. Nunh.

And I tried on a Simone Rocha dress, just a sliver of it showing on the left; again, too prickly for my comfort level but a very sweet dress. 

I don't fully comprehend why I was drawn to these sweet prickly pieces that day, and a feminine blouse on the left above as well. Maybe it's because they are as out of form for my style as the whole trying-on-new-things experience.

What did I find out by visiting Krypton?: 1) designer pieces can be dreadfully complicated and prickly; 2) I still don't have a strong desire to possess these things. I like farking my own looks; plus, I have a penchant for electricity and food and shelter at the moment. But the deals were certainly there if I change my mind with a brain transplant.

And finally, to round out this post, a photo of me and Sue called Running With the Bulls from when Suzanne and Sherry came to town. Heh. Why isn't Sue more afraid? I had a brief meetup with Sue this week too. I got to see her latest dress (here) in person. Awesome!

Photo by SuzanneCarillo

That's all for now. You know what's next, don't you...?

I'll link up with Patti's Visible Monday at Not Dead Yet Style and Catherine's #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb.

Stay cool or bundled as the case may be. I'm heading out for a little jazz fest enlightenment in a fruital jumpsuit and then it's time for work work work. See you next time. Thanks for stopping by!!

mwah

PS - I must pass along a big thank you to Lisa of Amid Privilege for her reference to me and our brief meeting in Vancouver in her thoughtful post, "The Salubrious Effect Of Someone Else’s Friendly Eyes And Someone Else’s Stories," here. Much appreciated.

Clothes the colour of porridge

Beige pants. They were on the $5 rack at the thrift shop. The first day I glimpsed them, I walked by - not surprising if you know me. I mean, beige, right? Knit, right? Not my thing.

Later that same day I stumbled across a couple of top blogs that were featuring expensive beige camel pants as a seasonal must-have. Uh-oh.

So the next day I went to the shop and had a closer look. They were still there. Missoni, fully lined, finely made, new condition, perfect fit. Sold. $5.

It happened so fast. What was I thinking!? Beige and on trend? It was like watching myself in a movie, screaming: DON'T GO IN THERE!!

The hand forking over the $5 was not my own: it was an imaginary well-manicured and moisturized hand attached to a calm and expensively-scented woman with a Cartier watch, fine pantyhose hosiery and a luxury handbag with a discreet logo, a woman with a quiet, carpeted walk-in closet the size and grandeur of a church, where matching pristine pieces hang on padded hangers.

Clearly I made a mistake. I suddenly started to feel like the next photo. Reminder to self: Never, NEVER go shopping without your morning coffee.

I had considered burying these pants (not à la Stephen King's "Pet Sematary" - who knows what would rise from the ground!) in a ruffled multicoloured lacy blouse and loud coat. Aah, too easy. Too guilt-free.

In the end, I decided to revel in my beigeness. How about a lovely fitted white blouse with extra long sleeves, my D&G pony heels, my so-soft brown leather belt? That would be nice. I even released my beige caramel wool/cashmere coat from its space bag after two years in lock-up.

But the imagined perfection, on this particular day, left me feeling rankled. Restless. Caged. Trapped in that perfect closet.

So like a little truffle pig I rooted out my combat boots and a corset T from Shelley of Forest City Fashionista. And lucky for me, the coat and pants clashed rather well - the coat a greeny beige and the pants a pinky beige. The idea of neutrals in conflict appealed. Then I added three belts and tower hair. My groove had been restored. Kind of. Inside I was wearing polka-dots, almost.

So that's me in beige. I walked with a swagger with my hands jammed in my pockets and wore my squinty Emporio Armani sunglasses, to bring a slightly darker tone to the look. And I clomped - that's what these boots do best.

These pants make me think of that Marianne Faithful song, "The Ballad of Lucy Jordan," here. Lucy is a suburban housewife ready to hurl herself from the rooftop because she realizes that at the age of 37(!) she'll never ride through the streets of Paris in a sports car. Heavy stuff. 

Well, I'm 54 and I still see myself tearing all over the place in a little sports car (well, because I have one, in yellow) - but not in beige clothes. Beige is calm, tidy, so non-freaked out. It's a porridge colour that doesn't suit me. I'd rather wear $20 tattered pants that look like all hell broke loose.

You can see how beige distorts me. Well, technically it's the T-shirt, but you know what I mean.

And that's my report. I got a haircut last night - hurray! A post on that will have to wait. See? It's an exciting life over here.

I guess I'll probably link something up later too. Maybe I'll edit this post too. Who knows?

Edit: I'm linking up to Patti at Not Dead Yet Style for Visible Monday, of course.
And I'm pretty sure I'll link up to Catherine at #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb when the time comes.