I'm 60, the Big Six O - as in Ohhh!!
I blurt. I gush. I show my teeth when I laugh. I can be highly sophisticated, with a British accent, for about 15 minutes, which is usually when I forget I'm supposed be speaking like a British person.
In polite society, where acquaintances typically tiptoe towards possible ecstasy via, say, an exclusive boutique or expensive restaurant, I run full bore, why waste time?, like the dog wagging its tail as it hangs precariously over the bow of a Zodiac boat whizzing down False Creek near Granville Island. Surely, if Sarah Polley can Run Towards the Danger*, it's okay to run to Boat Dog, panting, spit flying.
I can be British for 15 minutes at a time. It's a skill. |
My armature is getting more brittle while my body envelope becomes more squishy. The light wafting of my upper arms does not generate a refreshing breeze. If anything, it slows me down by Einstein-ian nanoseconds when I accelerate as a foot passenger at a walk signal, a mode of transportation that sinks lower and lower every year with my dwindling tolerance of heels.
I remember Earth Shoes where the toe was higher than the heel. Would they fare me any better, I wonder. They rocked, literally, back and forth, front to back, like a soothing rocking chair. Too bad I prefer to hard rock with my roll.
Jogging attire |
I've tried to catwalk, having joined a model agency recently, and, after much coaching by a professional, have managed a highly impressive* staccato performance of wobble, halt, feint left, feint right, and spin on stilettos with the heel cap missing. It's a sort of rock and roll.
When asked to do my own Mel Walk it took a while. I lunged, reverse stepped, windmilled my arms, and showcased my vulgar teeth - perhaps even gums, which, in their timidity, are retreating from the limelight every passing year. My dentist thinks if he were to whip up a gummy mash in a blender and surgically spackle it back on, they would grow more. I am not enticed. Besides, I might prefer to buy a new old car for the price.
No gummy mash for you! |
Unless I want to buy an expensive handbag instead, like the kind I see at Events (capital E with several superscript e's), which I sometimes am invited to and accept if there is a mini buffet. And seriously, who needs a car when you can have a handbag, is my motto. Tra-la-la-la-la. My Boat Dog self is intrigued.
Who needs a car when you have a great handbag? |
Then I rein myself in, wag my finger in self-admonishment - tut-tut-tut - grab another glass of free champagne, whereupon, as the day begins, I may squeeze in more serious practice of the Mel Walk wobble on my way to ogle another pyramid of luxury goods, being careful to swallow my drools of desire and mini-barfs of incredulity. (If you are an Event organizer, please invite me. I'm hungry. And thirsty.)
strut-strut-strut,
ow-oof strut-strut
Feint, feint, faint!
My DIY Angry Girl says it like it is. |
I do remember to squinch and smize, which is squinting without lowering your upper eyelids, to look mean, I mean alluring, mysterious, like when you see me you think, what the hell is she thinking?!! (i.e. Is her Spanx too tight? or There's a hormone cream for that.) Chin forward and tilted up to stretch out that neck, which belies my age, which is what they contracted me for in the first place, like a virus. Let's get an oldster in here for points!, although we still seem to be losing the game. We oldsters are loaded, absolutely LOADED!! - with cash or other emotions, often fueled by ageism, which makes us lethal contenders either way.
We oldsters are LOADED. |
Of course I avoid smiling in official capacity, yet another reason I don't need the gummy mash. Gummy bears...that's a whole 'nother story. Off with their heads - nyom, nyom, nyom.
As I've said, I've always wanted to play the role, to be the sophisticate. But jeez, did you ever wonder why glamour rhymes with hammer, clamour, jammer, rammer, yammer? Not to judge, but how did a word that symbolizes the epitome of beauty and sophistication get stuck with such abrasive cousins? No wonder I'm prone, when perched on the pedestal of glamour, to tipping over into the dirty-kneed, hard scrabble branch of that extended family.
Sweat?! I pay you to do that for me! |
And so life goes on, my friends. Good to see you, if you've managed to Mel Walk your way over here, preferably barefooted through a meadow without goose or doggy poops all over the place. Although, considering there are facial treatments now that use bird guano (poop), verrry expensive, maybe a little scat wouldn't hurt. Let Miz Bagg know how it goes. Of course, she'll then force me, her haggard assistant, to test the process personally.
Cheers.
*impressive: making a strong impression, exciting a sense of awe, wonderment
*Run Towards the Danger is an outstanding book written by Canadian author, filmmaker, actor Sarah Polley
Happy Birthday Mel!!! I hope you had a happy day and YAY, your blog is back! I missed it!!
ReplyDeleteKezzie xx
Dearest Kezzie!!
DeleteHELLO! I didn't know if anybody would find me now that all the notification things are not working. Mwah!!
It's not my birthday right now, but it will be later. So great to see you. And I've missed posting. I hope to get back at it. xox
Gummy mash? Where do I sign up? My dentist told me I had to have full on surgery where they take pieces from one part of my gums and stitch it on to another. Sexy! Isn't that like robbing Peter to pay Paul? Your writing never disappoints! Keep on Mel walking through life. I think you need to teach me your Mel walk the next time you're here.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne
I almost guano-ed myself seeing a comment here even though it's only been three years. So free Mel Walk lessons for you! Dig out your broken stilettos and prepare yourself! Refer a friend and get free-squared.
DeleteOh, and I'll tell you all about that gummy mash, too, while we're wobbling around. Expect good times, good times ahead.
How fab that you have joined the sixoh! So many more reasons to shine, sparkle, yammer and stammer. Happy, joyous, carefree and loving birthday wishes to you. Go forward with pizzazz and class, as you always do!
ReplyDeleteMel here. I can't believe I forgot "stammer"! Thank you for adding to the family tree of glamour's delinquent cousins. My birthday happened a while ago, but I'm slow to say so (what a surprise!). Your well-wishes are truly appreciated. Thanks so much, Anonymous!! You're awesome.
DeleteYeah Melanie! My girlfriend's back. 60, ha. I'm 70 now. The Mel Walk sounds most excellent. I've been working on the Pat Fall myself. Nothing too serious, but still quite acrobatic. So glad you're back to blogland again.
ReplyDeletePat
Hi, Pat!! Welcome, welcome. We could storm the runways of Europe with your Pat Fall/Mel Walk combo! Whaddya say? We'd definitely make headlines. But I do believe the wobble is much kinder to the body than an acrobatic fall. (I hope you are okay!!) I'm very glad to be back. I hope it sticks. !!!
DeleteHappy birthday, Mel. Or shall I say congratulations to making 60 trips around the Sun without getting dizzy?
ReplyDeleteHi, Nicole!! Mel here. Well, some would say I'm dizzy but they also don't like chocolate so can't be trusted at all! My birthday was a while back - I just never got around to announcing it. Thanks so much for visiting and commenting! Woo hoo!
DeleteI love the sentence "My armature is getting more brittle while my body envelope becomes more squishy". That pretty much sums up my aging body too. I was so nice to read a whole blog post from you instead of just an IG post. I miss being able to tell longer stories too. Perhaps I will have to start another blog, since the other one is still somewhere in Internet limbo
ReplyDeleteYup. That's about it. I should have used the word barflets instead of mini-barfs, but next time. It was so relaxing writing this - I had no idea how freeing it would feel. Such a slow and lovely process, and we can actually communicate. Oh yes, another blog, please! I love your writing and photos.
DeleteWelcome to Club 60, Mel!
ReplyDeleteAs always, I loved your writing immensely! xxx
Hello, Ann! It's Mel. I'm afraid I slipped into the Club a while ago (but didn't announce it), but thank you so much for your warm welcome! Let's get this show on the road! So great to be back. xox
DeleteBeautiful Mel!!! What fun to see you mashing gummies, slip-sliding through guano facials, chasing dogs or boats or boat dogs, and looking glamorous (hamma-jamma-rammerous?) at the same time! Just like in the good old days, you sparkle in your photos and your writing. Cheers! And may there be many Events mini-buffets in your future! ::MUAH!::
ReplyDelete~ Sherry
Most wonderful Sherry! It's Mel. Hamma-jamma-rammerous! Hahaha. I'm grasping at the good old days - does that mean I'm old?! Non!! Never! I'm looking forward to the next mini-buffet, I mean Event. Thanks for visiting and your wonderful comment. xox
DeleteHappy Birthday, Mel! 🎁🎈🍰 Hope you had a great day. Maybe you should write more? :-) We'd love that. ❤️
ReplyDeleteHello, Wendy Elizabeth. Mel here. Thanks so much! My birthday was quite a while ago but I just never announced it. So ta-dah!!! Hahaha. I plan on writing more. It's soothing and makes me laugh at all the absurdities of life. I'm so glad you find me again!
DeleteMEL, M-E-L, Muh-MEL! So good to get the long-form, dahling, you have such a way with words, the gift of gab, as it were (and it were when thou werst a young, and ever t'will it be now that thee be an old - sorry, been watching Chuck get a crown and am loopy). Happy Birthday, and may your gums recede before your hairline. No, wait. May your effervescence never lose its fizz. Better. May your spirits be high even if your heels are not! May you always be a glorious armature of squish tottering down the catwalk of life!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, don't spend that money on your gums. Come for a visit! Mwah!
PS - Pls wrt mr.
PPS - PLEEEZ Wrrrytttte moooarrrr...
PPPS - Lickspittle is a good word.
A servile flatterer or toady - YES! Lickspittle!! Many thanks. I must incorporate it in every post. Or toady.
DeleteNot my birthday. Hahaha. It was a while ago. I just didn't say anything. If a tree falls in the woods and all that. Thank you for your well wishes, though. In my armature of squish, I shall wobble with fortitude towards a glorious future. Onward ho! (Classic English, no comma between those two words.)
I must visit. And write more. Thanks, Sheila, for brightening this post!
Darling, it is so good to have you back at the blogging game. And as you see, we haven’t forgotten you.
ReplyDeleteAre you serious? Are you indeed British? How? Were you raised in the UK?
Anyway. Loved to read your post and your outfits are always smashing. Modelling and catwalk runs are quite difficult. I cannot even sit and walk up straight. Which I hate by the way. I slough and that is not pretty. Tried to stand up straight about 40 times and failed miserably.
Your posture is beautiful.
Greetje
Greetje!! So wonderful to see you here! (It's Mel.) And great to be back. I'm not British; I just love to fake the accent once in a while - it's my right as a member of the Commonwealth, for better or worse.
DeleteAnd it's also not my birthday. Heh. It WAS my birthday a while ago, but I didn't announce it. I deleted the rest of that paragraph which made it more clear. I just didn't want people to think I was 35. Heh.
Finally, your posture compliment is very generous, especially if you see me outside of the photo frame. I'm trying to improve. Like all professionals, good models make it look so easy.
Thank you for this welcome!!! xox
I read your reply and saw that I had spelled "slouch" as "slough".... whahahaha. Sorry. Hope it made your laugh.
DeleteGreetje
Hello fair Mel!!! great to see a post and Happy Birthday in advance!!! I have been back to Canadia since last I saw you, but was whizzed through Vancouver airport in a wheelchair because I am wobbly, no heels for me.
ReplyDeleteHello, dear Maryanne!! I shall cradle your birthday wishes until that day comes down the road. Who needs heels anyway? I hope your whizzing wheelchair experiences give you a bit of a boat dog rush when required. Maybe next time I'll actually see you again.
DeleteThanks so much for finding me again and commenting. Hugs to you.
Happy Birthday, Mel! I love that you’re back on the blog (and that I just happened to see you post about it on Insta). Kelly xo
ReplyDeleteHi Kelly!
DeleteAll these blasts from the past. It's strange and it feels great. It was my birthday a while ago - I deleted the rest of the paragraph that would have made it clear. Hahaha.
I'm glad you found this on Insta. The other notification ways are disappearing!
Thanks for visiting and your comment!
Mel
I am so glad you are posting again. You are such an original person and as I know from personal experience, with a warm and lovely personality. Very creative. And indeed a model. I hope you get a lot of modelling jobs offered and I will try not to be jealous of you.
ReplyDeleteGreetje