Saturday, 28 November 2020

Scrub that banana and random thoughts

Often I get PR emails announcing that music artist X has just dropped a new single. My first thought on reading such a headline is, Oh no, be careful! Don't drop it! Then, why would you make a new single if you're just going to dump it so quickly? That's a bit like, hello-good-bye.

Sigh.

Photo representation of my thought process

The confusion lasts for only a microsecond so I don't feel too bad. It took me a while to figure out what cray cray meant too. (I once spelled it cra cra.)

Expensive diet, priceless cheese puff sculpture

Of course, what they really mean is they have introduced a new single. Drop means introduce. So it would be accurate to say that I've dropped a few pounds during the pandemic, right? In fact, it sort of softens the blow and rolls. 

You might even think, whoa, Mel, how did you possibly drop pounds with all your snacking? Especially with Baroness von Snakzalot inhabiting your other dimension (here & here). What's your secret?! I'd just wink and say, Eat more!!, and let you figure it out. But you've figured it out already because I've pre-emptively sabotaged the mystery, if there was any in the first place.

This is a video I made, Dinner Chez Mel, Isolation Style. I'm disappointed that I forgot to include the candelabra, which graces all my fine dining experiences. View it below or go HERE.

My gourmet dining experience during lockdown

I've been thinking lately - it's a habit I've taken up during the pandemic, dwelling on thoughts, dwelling in my dwelling. When this pandemic is over I'm going to do all these really great things. Woo hoo!! All of them, double hard, double downed, double troubled! Because my bad-assery is back-building (especially when I'm dropping weight). I'm gonna fly there and there and invite myself to stay at my friends' homes, your homes. Hallooo!! 

It's not a bucket list because buckets are often so, eeew, stinky and stained and plastic, housing plaster or fish or paint. And you can never rinse out the smell. No, this is my Champagne kegger list. A bit more dignified and with lots of room to fit everything in there with sparkle and a pop.

Vacuum therapy - reenactment - this never happened

I never actually pictured myself as someone having a Champagne kegger list, but the pandemic has brought about lots of significant changes. For example, it used to be that my partner O and I would argue about bananas. He always said I should wash them - the skins. Who does that?, I'd say. It gets rid of salmonella, he'd say. But I don't like washing them because it makes the skins all old looking. 

Now before I go on, let me be clear: I'm not ageist but I like a nice, firm, young-looking banana. Does that make me a bad person? Furthermore, if - and that's a big if - I were going to wash the bananas, it would be to get rid of all those tarantula eggs stuck on there because you know what happens if they make their way into your brain, right? (Although how they get there is cause for hours of horrific contemplation.) 

And now, in these strange days, O has won! Who knew it would take a pandemic to make us see eye-to-eye on bananas. That's bananas! Now we not only scrub the bananas but we scour all our fruit. And bread wrappers, and milk containers, anything that comes into our home. Suddenly spider eggs seem like cute and friendly homesteaders compared to those new invaders. And you don't even really know they're incubating or hatching, do you? DO YOU?! Forget coronavirus - we need a test for spider eggs!

To distract myself from such questions that vex, I've Netflixed myself into oblivion on more than one occasion, devouring series about time travel and ESP and zombies and murder. It's a bit like a marathon transworld flight. I'm reminded of my existence only when my auto-pilot hand goes into the snack-bag beside me and comes out empty, which sets off alarm bells that only a stretch and a refill will quiet. My mask drops down from the closet ready for an emergency evac, but these days I just order delivery. So pffft.

My hair also went much whiter in the front in the span of about a week. I didn't really notice until I noticed, know what I mean? It's those spiders in there playing with my hair-colour glands, I just know it. 

Sigh. Again.

I hope you are all well. Maybe we'll cross paths in the jetstreams of Netflix. Give us a little wave, will ya's? I'll do the same. And prepare your guest suites. Heh. I'll bring the Champagne. And we'll have a little party. Yeeeeah-ah!!! 



20 comments:

  1. Hello Mel!!! I hope you have some really cool designer masks for when you venture out into the world. Loving the snack art!
    Being locked down in an apartment I found to be truly awful. But we're out of it now and in this weird place where life is pretty normal here; until we can't get something or drive past a quarantine hotel or some other jarring reminder of life Outside. It's a bit Logan's Run, without being killed at 30. I did a gig last night in a packed underground bar in harness bra and undies and a top hat and it felt very Weimar. such times!!!

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    1. Hi, Maryanne. So good to hear from you, still out wowing the crowds and being your fabulous self! It seems years since I met you on your trip to Vancouver. Logan's Run is an apt comparison without the 30 thing, which, when I watched it the first time, seemed so old. Heh. Weimar indeed. Wish I was there to see you strutting your stuff. xo

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  2. Hahahaha! Cheezies on string...look for it soon on your next tasting menu next to squirt your own dessert. Eek. Did I just write that? I meant to write fluff in a can. Oh, you know what I mean.

    Your fancy sculpture eating party for one is the perfect way to celebrate the end of the world. End of the pandemic I meant to write. Ha ha. Freudian slip there.

    You have taken it to a whole other level when you're washing the skins of bananas. I can't go there. I look danger straight in the eye without blinking, eating bananas raw, straight from their filthy skins. Cray-cray is my middle (and last)name.

    I'm so glad that your vacuum therapy was only a reenactment. Cleaning and showering is so 2019.

    Hooray for dusting off you blog!

    Suzanne

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    1. There were definitely some creaks and groans when I cracked open the New Post icon again, from myself not the blog.

      That was a little copper wire in the Cheezies. What kinda gin joint you think I'm dining in here?! There were Doritos and pretzels in the mix as well. But the sculpture in the photo had toothpicks, much, much better, and good for picking teeth after the meal.

      So, uh, Suzanne, squirting and fluffing? Freud would be very interested indeed. Hahahaha!! Did I just write that? But who cares when it's the end of the world, I mean pandemic.

      The banana thing, I have always been a skeptic, but now I do it, not happily, but I do it. "You are a brave, brave woman, Cray Cray," Mel says with a solemn voice, as she anoints you with a Cheesie.

      I'm glad you noted how démodé showers are now. With all that time spent washing inanimate objects, who has time for body washing?

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    2. Girls, girls, girls... wash your mouths. haha

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    3. I don't know what you're talking about, Greetje. Hahaha!

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  3. This is great - stream of consciousness Mel. You all scrunched up at the computer is all of us. HR would not be happy with some of the getups I wear "working" remotely.

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    1. Hahaha. At least you are clothed, Tami! - I am assuming all the basic bits are covered at least. Yes, I think that is all of us huddled around devices and snacks. The day will come again when we can do real-life social things. Can't wait!! Thanks for stopping by. xo

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  4. I went on a ride with your words. They took me through Cray-Cray Town and all the way to the best fine dining in 'Couver (cheetohs and whipped cream and pretzels, oh my!). I'm glad you have a kegger list. Mine has only one thing on it: HUG MOAR PEEPL.

    Banana skins? Washing? Spider eggs? Does not compute!

    Hoping your sanity is not as tenuous as mine feels. If you ever wanna Zoom, let me know!

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    1. Yeah, all aboooooard at Cray-Cray town. Standing room only. I'm so glad you noticed all the fine ingredients in my expensive meal. Hug Moar Peepl, I hear ya. I see movies and freak that people are close to each other.

      Yeah, tenuous. We should Zoom. Mox

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  5. Your meal looks delicious. I just cannot figure out what you are squirting on it. It looks like whipped cream but that would be horrible (I think). Is it something cheesy?
    Washing bananas... let's assume the pandemic is over... why wash the skin of bananas? You don't eat that skin, do you? You peel it off.
    We don't wash anything that comes into our house during these Covid times. I don't think I will catch anything from a milk carton or something like that. So far, so good. But, if it makes you feel good, please continue.
    Love the earrings you brought to the fancy dinner.
    Greetje

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    1. That's whipped cream from a can. As a kid it was like dream food because my mum always made it from scratch. I also don't recommend it on Doritos, pretzels or Cheese Pleesers. Heh.

      Yeah, the bananas. Apparently the salmonella can transfer from your hands/knife onto the banana. I'm not terribly worried about that, but now that we wash everything, it's just part of the routine.

      I wash everything that comes in the door. Myself included. I'll be glad when this pandemic is over.

      Those earrings are my favourite.
      xox

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  6. thank you! I just love your humor good laugh out loud..will keep me giggling for at least a day

    PS: you would think that if I have accept your cookies I could at least eat them! pandemic food.

    Jeanette

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    1. Hi Jeanette! There's nothing better than a laugh in the morning and I'm honoured that you got it here. Sorry about my contaminated cookies. Pandemic or no pandemic, anything coming out of my oven needs to be lab-tested first.

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  7. HELLO!! Nice to see you dipped your toe back into blogland. I have to admit, the thought of eating cheezies with whipped cream activated my gag reflex, but to each their own ;) I thoroughly enjoyed watching you partake of your sculpture - it reminded me a bit of Chaplin eating his shoe in the film I can't remember the name of.

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    1. HELLO, Shelley! Yeah, not a winning combo, the canned whipped cream with the other stuff. I did it for art, but I wish I had saved the whipped cream for dessert or at least sucking up during a good Netflix movie, although I've never tried that direct-to-consumer method.

      I checked the Chaplin movie afterwards, I think it was Gold Rush.

      Thanks for visiting! xo

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  8. Your videos crack me up and I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Cheese puffs but I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU PUT SQUIRTY CREAM ON THEM!?!?!??!?!?!??! Very funny, even if I felt it was a travesty towards those poor cheese puffs!!! The sculpture was superb though! I think it should be inspiration for Style Imitating Art! Dwelling in your dwelling indeed!
    I forgot about spiders and bananas- yuck!!! I'm not so good at washing the shopping when it comes in.

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    1. Hi Kezzie! Not only did it not taste good on the cheese puffs, but it spat whipped cream droplets all over the tablecloth! It FORCED me to do laundry, and that's never a good idea.

      Yeah, those wretched news headlines about spiders and bananas. I think it was the issue with the "Alien spotted in grocery store parking lot!" on the cover. You know the one.

      Thanks for visiting, Kezzie. Always a pleasure! xo

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  9. It is wonderful to see you back. I doubt I've ever commented on your blog, but I've watched it with delight over the years.

    As for salmonella on banana skins...what doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

    I'm glad you're back, hopefully more often.

    thanks!
    Kathy

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  10. The quarantine can be difficult, but I see you're still your hilarious self. Fabulously creative photo edits to show your thoughts and moods. I think I won't wash the bananas either, I'll risk the spider eggs.

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