Scrub that banana and random thoughts

Often I get PR emails announcing that music artist X has just dropped a new single. My first thought on reading such a headline is, Oh no, be careful! Don't drop it! Then, why would you make a new single if you're just going to dump it so quickly? That's a bit like, hello-good-bye.

Sigh.

Photo representation of my thought process

The confusion lasts for only a microsecond so I don't feel too bad. It took me a while to figure out what cray cray meant too. (I once spelled it cra cra.)

Expensive diet, priceless cheese puff sculpture

Of course, what they really mean is they have introduced a new single. Drop means introduce. So it would be accurate to say that I've dropped a few pounds during the pandemic, right? In fact, it sort of softens the blow and rolls. 

You might even think, whoa, Mel, how did you possibly drop pounds with all your snacking? Especially with Baroness von Snakzalot inhabiting your other dimension (here & here). What's your secret?! I'd just wink and say, Eat more!!, and let you figure it out. But you've figured it out already because I've pre-emptively sabotaged the mystery, if there was any in the first place.

This is a video I made, Dinner Chez Mel, Isolation Style. I'm disappointed that I forgot to include the candelabra, which graces all my fine dining experiences. View it below or go HERE.

My gourmet dining experience during lockdown

I've been thinking lately - it's a habit I've taken up during the pandemic, dwelling on thoughts, dwelling in my dwelling. When this pandemic is over I'm going to do all these really great things. Woo hoo!! All of them, double hard, double downed, double troubled! Because my bad-assery is back-building (especially when I'm dropping weight). I'm gonna fly there and there and invite myself to stay at my friends' homes, your homes. Hallooo!! 

It's not a bucket list because buckets are often so, eeew, stinky and stained and plastic, housing plaster or fish or paint. And you can never rinse out the smell. No, this is my Champagne kegger list. A bit more dignified and with lots of room to fit everything in there with sparkle and a pop.

Vacuum therapy - reenactment - this never happened

I never actually pictured myself as someone having a Champagne kegger list, but the pandemic has brought about lots of significant changes. For example, it used to be that my partner O and I would argue about bananas. He always said I should wash them - the skins. Who does that?, I'd say. It gets rid of salmonella, he'd say. But I don't like washing them because it makes the skins all old looking. 

Now before I go on, let me be clear: I'm not ageist but I like a nice, firm, young-looking banana. Does that make me a bad person? Furthermore, if - and that's a big if - I were going to wash the bananas, it would be to get rid of all those tarantula eggs stuck on there because you know what happens if they make their way into your brain, right? (Although how they get there is cause for hours of horrific contemplation.) 

And now, in these strange days, O has won! Who knew it would take a pandemic to make us see eye-to-eye on bananas. That's bananas! Now we not only scrub the bananas but we scour all our fruit. And bread wrappers, and milk containers, anything that comes into our home. Suddenly spider eggs seem like cute and friendly homesteaders compared to those new invaders. And you don't even really know they're incubating or hatching, do you? DO YOU?! Forget coronavirus - we need a test for spider eggs!

To distract myself from such questions that vex, I've Netflixed myself into oblivion on more than one occasion, devouring series about time travel and ESP and zombies and murder. It's a bit like a marathon transworld flight. I'm reminded of my existence only when my auto-pilot hand goes into the snack-bag beside me and comes out empty, which sets off alarm bells that only a stretch and a refill will quiet. My mask drops down from the closet ready for an emergency evac, but these days I just order delivery. So pffft.

My hair also went much whiter in the front in the span of about a week. I didn't really notice until I noticed, know what I mean? It's those spiders in there playing with my hair-colour glands, I just know it. 

Sigh. Again.

I hope you are all well. Maybe we'll cross paths in the jetstreams of Netflix. Give us a little wave, will ya's? I'll do the same. And prepare your guest suites. Heh. I'll bring the Champagne. And we'll have a little party. Yeeeeah-ah!!! 

Morning after mascara

I wore mascara a few days ago. It's still wearing me. Now that I am more, ahem, mature, there are more cracks for the mascara bits to hide in, making removal much like an archaeological dig - slowly, layer by layer, day by day, shards of black artifacts are unearthed and examined. Same with eye shadow. By chance I like peanut butter on my toast and it often removes the last corporeal remains of lipstick. Perhaps I should try this on my eyes.

Drop crotch leggings worn on top of my jeans. DIY t-shirt.

Given a little more time, I suspect governments and corporations will set up tiny oil rigs on our eyelids to harvest cosmetic sludge aged to perfection with time, pressure, and hot flashes, a bit like how diamonds are made but without the big payoff - don't expect sales of this brand of crude at Tiffany.

Hey, who's been fracking on my face?!!

On the plus side, with those dark morning-after smudges comes an undeniable nasty-woman allure - "I was out all night partying after the concert and slept with, um, I forget their his? her? name" that may get tongues wagging in a delightful, "Oh, I feel so young again!" way. But that only works if your hair also looks like a rat's nest. The loose slob effect requires finesse. One without the other is a sure giveaway that you are a sorry pretender who probably spends hundreds of dollars to look artfully bad.

Nest hair? Yup, I'm the real deal, see above. In this outfit, I am wearing leggings with the crotch hanging down on top of my jeans, like I dressed in a hurry after I woke up in the wrong bed. Heh. After 50, we, if anyone, deserve to look like we've been partying all night without actually partying. Henceforth, "resting bitch face" will be known as "party face". Youngsters will look on with envy and horrified disgust.

Wouldn't it be great if there was a morning-after pill, not for family planning because who needs that now? It's not like you can stuff your grown children back up your hoo-haw and pretend the whole thing didn't happen. But a morning-after pill for cosmetics, right? One pill and, poof!, the makeup is gone. No more sandpaper, grinders, unguents, and emollients. With such a pill, each day would be a smorgasbord of false eyelashes, eyeliner, glitter, mascara, and shadows in a range of fruity colours.

Sigh.

And now we welcome the newest trend - going makeup free. Puh. How can we possibly afford that!? It's not like we all have a team of pro photographers and stylists and lighting experts, plastic surgeons and genetic therapists, poolside homes, personal chefs and photo editing experts on standby (I am my own gaffer). No thank you. I'm not rich enough to go makeup free, plus I could use some oil reserve royalties.

Wearing my winter coat the modern way - falling right off.

It's too bad the morning-after effect isn't limited to the face. My whole body tells me it's party party party all the time. Why haven't I been invited?!! Or maybe I was and I just forgot - I filed the memo in my cloud memory and it simply drifted away or my memory stick crashed. Maybe it's time for my actions to catch up to my hangover. Can you believe I didn't have my first New Year's booze until January 3? And I had to be prompted for it?! If ever there was a year to take up drinking, this is it.

But no, I shall simply be content on the path of occasional eye makeup debauchery and archaeological discovery. Pass me the bottle, will ya? It's my own special blend of crude.

PS. It's no use advising me on what makeup removers to use. They are USELESS. All of them. Every single one. I want MAGIC. Until then, I'll work the party face.

I'll link this up to Patti at Visible Monday, Not Dead Yet Style, and Catherine, #iwillwearwhatilike, Not Dressed as Lamb.

Hope you are having happy days despite everything.

My silent movie

Where's my classic Rolls Royce? I feel like a '20s film star in this get-up. Well, it's not actually a get-up; it's a get-it-on, get-down, get-with-it, get-goin', gettin'-real kind of outfit, not a costume, even though everything we put on lends us character. 

Fashion rule: It is perilous to wear a large magnifying glass pendant on a sunny day because
it may burn a hole in one's torso, which is never an attractive fashion statement. With winter sun I stayed intact.

If I were a Hollywood star, in this outfit I'd definitely have been photographed in, say, New York, as I'm dressed far too warmly for Beverly Hills. I'm wearing my thrifted midi length made-in-France wool knit turtleneck dress, which features a hood and gold lurex thread decorative seaming, and my impossibly amazing faux fur maxi coat, which I bought on consignment. If I was really a star, those yellow diamonds wouldn't be from a thrift pile in East Vancouver either.

My imaginary agent, director, manager, and publicist would probably all be screaming at me that I'm getting a bit long in tooth for my imaginary profession, in which case I'd have to tell them to feck off and then build my own studio empire and distribution network where all female actors, whose falling "fuckability" quotients (from ruling misogynist eyes) have kicked them out of the system, will find a new lucrative home. Woe betide those who underestimate women's power of the grey - that's something real.

I have no script; I'm better when I improvise. Or maybe I just haven't stumbled across the right script yet. Clearly, not having a script at all doesn't give me much chance of finding a good or a bad one. Nunh. But one outfit certainly brings up lots of ideas and dreams which I scrawl down here maybe a day or hours before I post.

And...

MY SILENT MOVIE: 

BAG AND A BERET CHECKS HER BLOG READING LIST

I have made a little Silent Movie that shows me reading the blogs I follow, which I had been thinking about for a while. Sooo much ended up on the cutting room floor. Heheheh. I just wish it wasn't such a pain to remove the makeup. I hope you enjoy this.

No ears or fingers were harmed in the making of my video. And don't worry - I used an old computer. I use a big trough, designed for animals long in tooth, while I'm browsing on my regular machine. Below is a still taken from the video with shadow added around the edges. It fits my mood. 

With this windswept-style hair I often feel like I'm in a commercial selling high-end stereo equipment. Very empowering, but who buys stereos any more? Which consumer products do you feel like you're selling with your hair style?

That's all from here. I'll link something up with Patti at Not Dead Yet Style for Visible Monday and with Catherine at Not Dressed at Lamb for #iwillwearwhatilike when they go live. These linkups are great motivators for me to organize myself at least once a week. Thank you, Patti and Catherine!

VOGOFF December 2012 issue

Here it is: the VOGOFF December 2012 issue. This is what I have been busy doing during my spare time. Miz Bagg was a taskmaster. I hope you like it - I certainly enjoyed putting it together. My thanks to all the wonderful people who contributed to this issue. Mwah!! Maybe YOU will be in the next one...? Click below to read it in pdf format.
VOGOFF December 2012

EDIT
Issue 1 (test issue)
Issue 3
Issue 4

VOGOFF Magazine by Miz Bagg

Letter from VOGOFF Editor in Chief, Miz Bagg:

Dahlings,
I know the universe hangs on my every blurt so I have decided to immortalize myself as Editor in Chief of this magazine, the highly prestigious, internationally-acclaimed, Pewlister Prize-winning VOGOFF (pronounced voggoff or vhog-off). Please reserve your applause until the end. (Come now, get ahold of yourselves. Have a little dignity and humility - like me.)

Of course I, Miz Bagg, am the queen of everything about beauty, fashion, makeup, grace, real good manners, and such-like, and I am an incredibly word-ly person, as you no doubt observed in my writing in my How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1 on 8-track cassette. (Thanks for your support. Of course you bought it.) So my beauty is not only gobsmacking - my intelligence and that stuff are also big gob-droppings of smartness.

This first issue features only photos of moi, Miz Bagg, of course, but I may allow the little people to contribute later on when I'm busy doing something way better. In this issue I am pleased to unveil to you the hottest thing since Yanni - the mashed potato fashion accessory specially designed by iqi (pronounced icky). Unless you've been living in Uranus, you'll know that kitchen tools are hot.

And who can help dancing uncontrollably when opening a container of yogurt or spraying air freshener or whipping out a duster or mopping the floor? Well, lucky you's - inside this issue are a few new dance steps you can try when cleaning and eating. They are perfect for tightening up those pesky fleshy pads on your hand between your thumb and index finger.

Plus, as a special feature: "Are we addicted to our uprights?" With a quiz! I too am not immune to the sight of a hard upright vacuum, all beastie thrumming with unkempt hair inside, which is only natural for a feminine creature such as mine self, but here I share with you not only my secrets for hiding these naughty little liaisons from your partner, but also ancient mystical monk moves for upping your upright's suction power by 73.5 percent. Therapists are on standby in case you fail the stupid quiz. You loser.

Miz Bagg caught in an unguarded moment following the upright shoot. Photo courtesy of Takenzeepiss 2012

Okay, I'm off now to consult with all those high-power smiling advertising people in New York to teach them a hot dance for their new and exciting anti-fungal soap. They keep begging and begging me to be in their global network ad campaigns (it's rather embarrassing) and I keep telling them to feck off, I'm far more valuable in my role as guru and goddess. Then I'm off to consult on ballerina costumes for some female products.

I know it's a an exciting life, but I, Miz Bagg, am the only one to lead it, as I shall and can. Tra-la-tra-la. Ooh, my upright needs attention.

Till the next unbelievably fabulous issue, hugs and kisses, but don't wreck my lipstick!!! (Oh, you fecking bi-otch)

Miz Bagg XOXOXO


(The Real Writer's Notes)
In the next issue, probably December: The Implications of Hot Flashes. Are peri/menopausal women with hot flashes responsible for global warming or is it bovine flatulence? What would happen if power companies could wire hot flashes into the Smart Grid. Would we have to call it the Smarter Grid?

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The Real Real Writer's Notes

I watched part of the recent silent movie, The Artist, a few nights ago and another movie from 1932 last night in which the lead platinum blond delivered this great line: "I'm as exciting as an ironing board." On top of that, I had a little correspondence with Curtise from The Secondhand Years about kitchen utensils... So Miz Bagg was sequestered in a photo shoot last night not knowing what would result.

I'm so happy this "magazine" popped out. I had been mulling the idea for quite a while and suddenly there it was - my perfect inaugural cover. If any of you want to contribute a little piece to a future issue, maybe next month, let me know, ultra-Vogue on drugs with cool photos.

About the outfit

• black satin ball gown above, last worn here 
• bunch of jewellery I dug out of my box, including beads from the Pride Parade and a few pieces that someone had left in our garbage room for the taking - I'm such a discriminating shopper
• canary diamond ring from the local dollar store. 

I haven't been commenting much but I have been lurking. Sometimes I have to pull back to keep the fun and spontaneity alive. I think you know what I mean...

I hope you're all having a FANTASTIC week.

EDIT:
Issue 2
Issue 3
Issue 4

Please hang up and try again

I have a street style blog and as a rule I don't interrupt people who are talking on their cell phones or texting or browsing other interactive devices to ask them for a photograph, which limits my style pool considerably - tech devices are everywhere. The other day on the "up" escalator at a high-end fashion retailer I was almost squished by a man who momentarily lost his balance while he was navigating a riveting website on his full-sized laptop perched on the sliding rubber handrail. I think he expected me to apologize to him for messing up his keystroke rhythm as he fell back onto me.

You can imagine how thrilled I was when O showed me this wonderful item he found at an online store specializing in ergonomic design.

It's a portable laptop stand. My favourite feature is the hood which fully conceals your head, but I think perhaps the manufacturer should consider adding wheels to the device and mounting a webcam on the front so that while you are wheeling down the street, walker-fashion, you don't have to interact with the environment AT ALL! Simply, you will see the street ahead of you on your laptop. Imagine the convenience - no more annoying sidewalk chats, no more online seconds wasted, no more irksome sunshine!

When I go out on my daily inspiration walks I see potential buyers everywhere. If I didn't already have a profession, I bet I could make a bazillion bucks selling this revised product. I'd call it the Pro-tech Walker (I should trademark that name). Do you know anyone who could use this miracle device?

In fact, the product, as is, is designed for photographers who shoot digitally on location and other such professionals, which sounds very useful. I just needed a good rant and this product was easy pickings.

Finally, here's a peek at what I wore today. It's not a proper outfit photo because I'm a supremely tired of me, me, me. Just seeing me in a photo makes me nauseous. And I've been doing my spring cleaning...

Details: vintage haori; up-cycled thrifted nightie four sizes too big, worn inside-out with lace trim removed; thrifted flare girdle yoga pants (aaaaa!!); boots, retail; fingerless gloves, Canadian Tire automotive store bought with fingers on; thrifted wool indigo beret, and; magic voodoo pendant (everything O gives me is magic).

This week should get better. Things are getting sorted out. I hope you are all partying at Patti's Visible Monday. I'm just plain too tired to join today, but I most certainly will stop by to check out the goings-on. Do you ever get sick of seeing yourself in photographs?

Pyjama party greetings from the Arctic Circle!

ARCTIC CIRCLE (AP) - Miz Bagg has kindly agreed to attend fabulous Terri's Pyjama Party over at Rags Against the Machine, on behalf of Melanie, even though she is still currently in the Arctic on a photo shoot for the 2038 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar, modelling bikinis specially designed by world-famous designer "iqi" (pronounced "icky").

Miz Bagg had this to say:

Greetings, kittens! I am having a fab, fab, fab time here in the Arctic Circle. As you can see, I have had a personal bedroom gazebo constructed for me on the ice flows, which affords me a fab, fab, fab view of the seals, polar bears, walri, and sundry other wildlife (including yum-yum cabana boys!!!). I raise a glass to my fellow party-goers and hope you all have a delicious time with temptress Terri!!!!! Be naughty! How about a game of truth or dare? I remember the fun I had with Prince ---, but I oughtn't... And then there was Count ---, ooo, that was fun. And how about... Oh dear. Here comes a white-rumped sandpiper. I must get my camera. Ciao, darlings! See you in the Everglades!

(My secret recipe courtesy of Marquis ---)
Miz Bagg's Caviar Popcorn

• one bag of microwaveable popcorn
• one pound of butter
• ten jars of caviar

Get your manservant to pop the popcorn in the microwave, add the butter, and then stir in the caviar. Yum! Slather the leftovers all over your face and let set for the night for a fab, fab, fab facial!!

Posing 101

How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1
How many times have we looked at photos of ourselves and shuddered - "I look like a clown!" or "I look like myself!" Well, this handy How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1, will make taking your own fashion photos a snap! Before you know it you'll be voguing in your sleep! In the supermarket! In your car! Even in the dentist's chair!

Before we begin: The test shot 
Before any serious modelling session it's always a good idea to take a test shot. A test shot is a handy check of our lighting and a last-minute look-see to make sure we've put on our clothes.

For today's shoot we were extremely fortunate to have with us world-renowned photographer Takenzeepiss. Our subject is Miz Bagg, who recently signed a contract as spokesmodel for Mud-on-Your-Face beauty products. Although she is a seasoned runaway model and poser, these are looks anyone can achieve! Her outfit is courtesy of the World's Greatest Fashion Designer, "iqi" (pronounced "icky").

Miz Bagg modelling "iqi"  - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Wow! Isn't she faaaabulous? And she hasn't even starting posing yet! That's some look, wouldn' you say? It only took our team of a dozen hairstylists, manicurists, and "iqi" two days to achieve this jaw-dropping transformation of Miz Bagg from her everyday dowdy look to this jaw-dropping haute-couture howdy-doody runway-ready face! Good job team!

Now that we're sure we've achieved the pinnacle of beauty, we begin the serious work of "The Pose." Today's lesson features four fun and easy poses that you can easily duplicate in the comfort of your own home!

Pose 1: Create a clean line

Miz Bagg demonstrating "The Clean Line" - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Think elegance, think sophistication. Seeing this pose of course brings to mind the scene of Audrey Hepburn gazing deep into Gregory Peck's eyes at the end of Roman Holiday. In fact, Miz Bagg has captured here the essence of both Ms. Hepburn and Mr. Peck! Look how the lines of her clothes flow so smoothly from head to toe. This pose is a simple, surefire winner that only requires the support of a La-Z-Boy chair or other recliner. 

Miz Bagg says, "It helps to imagine that you are a piece of wood or flotsam or an airplane." Those secrets from the pros...you'll only find them here!

Pose 2: Tread water

Miz Bagg demonstrating "Treading Water" Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Isn't Miz Bagg working the camera here? It's always a good idea to pretend you're treading water. Nothing is more flattering to the feminine form than an aquatic pose. Don't limit yourself to treading water - the butterfly stroke, side stroke, or nose-pinch are all equally darling poses. (Order your How-to Guide to Posing, Part 2, to see the Polar Bear Dip face!) To loosen up, pretend your sofa is a swimming pool or practise on a kitchen stool.

Miz Bagg says, "Sometimes it helps to hold your breath and count to 500." How fun! As an added bonus, you'll burn calories with this pose! Ding dong!

Pose 3: Be a bird

Miz Bagg gives us "The Bird" - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Who doesn't love the grace and beauty of a bird - an egret, a toucan, a pelican? Spread your majestic wings and soar using your  La-Z-Boy for support.

Of this pose Miz Bagg says, "I feel like I'm about to take off like a lovely virginal white swam swimming gracefully and majestically across a greenish brown pond slightly coated with pond scum, which doesn't hinder me because my beauty eclipses all the unsightly detritus around me? It's like I'm gently cooing a birdly love song towards the setting sun with the silhouette of palm trees swaying in the breeze." She says it all. Such a romantic pose.

Pose 4: Display your finest assets

Miz Bagg summing up today's lesson - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

This pose sums up all that we've learnt so far about posing today. It is not only the most flattering pose but it's also the easiest to attain of all today's poses. Who better than Miz Bagg to demonstrate this so masterfully? Takenzeepiss has ingeniously mounted Miz Bagg on the chair to enhance the beauty and sophistication of this dramatic statement. See how her clothes just flow? And who will ever notice those laugh lines when your face is buried in a chair? Look how the clever positioning of the sweater tie adds a distinctly bold and manly effect!

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If you have found these free tips helpful, order the How-to Guide to Posing, Part 2, 8-track cassette for more fun with cameras, featuring Miz Bagg and Takenzeepiss, just $1.00 plus $50 shipping and handling. Act now and get a free vegetable peeler, plus shipping and handling.

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This is part of an art project I'm working on - why do we pose certain ways and not others, apart from the obvious above. How do we change in front of a camera... I hope you enjoyed this sample of photos. Patti of Not Dead Yet Style had a very funny post on posing on Aug. 17. 

Don't worry - I'll be back to outfits in my next post...