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Tuesday 24 January 2017

Morning after mascara

I wore mascara a few days ago. It's still wearing me. Now that I am more, ahem, mature, there are more cracks for the mascara bits to hide in, making removal much like an archaeological dig - slowly, layer by layer, day by day, shards of black artifacts are unearthed and examined. Same with eye shadow. By chance I like peanut butter on my toast and it often removes the last corporeal remains of lipstick. Perhaps I should try this on my eyes.

Drop crotch leggings worn on top of my jeans. DIY t-shirt.

Given a little more time, I suspect governments and corporations will set up tiny oil rigs on our eyelids to harvest cosmetic sludge aged to perfection with time, pressure, and hot flashes, a bit like how diamonds are made but without the big payoff - don't expect sales of this brand of crude at Tiffany.
Hey, who's been fracking on my face?!!

On the plus side, with those dark morning-after smudges comes an undeniable nasty-woman allure - "I was out all night partying after the concert and slept with, um, I forget their his? her? name" that may get tongues wagging in a delightful, "Oh, I feel so young again!" way. But that only works if your hair also looks like a rat's nest. The loose slob effect requires finesse. One without the other is a sure giveaway that you are a sorry pretender who probably spends hundreds of dollars to look artfully bad.

Nest hair? Yup, I'm the real deal, see above. In this outfit, I am wearing leggings with the crotch hanging down on top of my jeans, like I dressed in a hurry after I woke up in the wrong bed. Heh. After 50, we, if anyone, deserve to look like we've been partying all night without actually partying. Henceforth, "resting bitch face" will be known as "party face". Youngsters will look on with envy and horrified disgust.

Wouldn't it be great if there was a morning-after pill, not for family planning because who needs that now? It's not like you can stuff your grown children back up your hoo-haw and pretend the whole thing didn't happen. But a morning-after pill for cosmetics, right? One pill and, poof!, the makeup is gone. No more sandpaper, grinders, unguents, and emollients. With such a pill, each day would be a smorgasbord of false eyelashes, eyeliner, glitter, mascara, and shadows in a range of fruity colours.


And now we welcome the newest trend - going makeup free. Puh. How can we possibly afford that!? It's not like we all have a team of pro photographers and stylists and lighting experts, plastic surgeons and genetic therapists, poolside homes, personal chefs and photo editing experts on standby (I am my own gaffer). No thank you. I'm not rich enough to go makeup free, plus I could use some oil reserve royalties.

Wearing my winter coat the modern way - falling right off.

It's too bad the morning-after effect isn't limited to the face. My whole body tells me it's party party party all the time. Why haven't I been invited?!! Or maybe I was and I just forgot - I filed the memo in my cloud memory and it simply drifted away or my memory stick crashed. Maybe it's time for my actions to catch up to my hangover. Can you believe I didn't have my first New Year's booze until January 3? And I had to be prompted for it?! If ever there was a year to take up drinking, this is it.

But no, I shall simply be content on the path of occasional eye makeup debauchery and archaeological discovery. Pass me the bottle, will ya? It's my own special blend of crude.

PS. It's no use advising me on what makeup removers to use. They are USELESS. All of them. Every single one. I want MAGIC. Until then, I'll work the party face.

I'll link this up to Patti at Visible Monday, Not Dead Yet Style, and Catherine, #iwillwearwhatilike, Not Dressed as Lamb.

Hope you are having happy days despite everything.


  1. Hmmm...I must be trendy and "in" with the hep cats since I have Party Face nearly all the time, thanks to today's non-removable mascara! And did you know that skanky, clumpy mascara is a thing?? I've been groovy all along, baby, and I didn't even know it. Of course, that's a sign that - like you - we are true fashion trend-setters, not trend-followers! We make the trends, beyotch!

    I adore this ragamuffin post-party/pre-party/mid-party rocker look you have going here. I will have to up my game for a visit to 'Couver in March!

  2. i´m known as "the panda bear" at our breakfast table....
    absolute gorgeous photos!! totally art mag! i´m in awe - esp. because you doing this all by your own - no huge team involved!
    mel - love you!! xxxxxx

  3. mwahaha, I agree with Sheila, I must be trendy too, 'Party Face without really partying' is 'My Face These Days'. Waterproof mascara, never more.
    Concerning makeup, my best tip is to wear sunnies (all the time), they're better than any concealer.
    You rock your middle aged kitteh attitude, love a badass rock'n'roll lady!

  4. I hear that kitteh roar. Go grrll team! I gave up mascara 20 years ago. Too much trouble!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. I have miniscule lashes, and have tried many different mascaras to try to find one that will stay on my lashes for more than 5 minutes. Even waterproof ones leave black flecks under and over my eyes!! There are definitely more lines and craters for makeup to accumulate in on my face now, and I find that less makeup is more flattering (unless it's blue lips and brows, which I wish I could wear every day).

    Can I just say (why Shelley, of course you can...) that I LUUUURV the photos of you in your off the shoulder kitteh t and leggings over jeans??? Reeking of coolness and badass-ness. If I wear my docs and my Cry Baby t-shirt, can we form a band, please??

  6. I'm currently suffering from Party face but I attribute it to being 50 and having been sick for two weeks.

    I wore makeup yesterday and my whole face turned splotchy burning red last night and this morning both my eyes are burning and itchy. This was without any mascara. I wore falsies (lashes that is...ha!) I fear that the no makeup thing will be coming sooner rather than later for me.

    I tried that off shoulder coat look yesterday and looked like a drunk sleeping off a month long binge. I also tried a few Melanie poses...the mouthing thing...looked like I was trying to eat my fingers. You make everything look so damn easy!

    I can imagine all the bad smells coming from that alley. It is amazing you don't require a nose plug.

    Did you know that Vancouver is now the 3rd most expensive place in the world to live? Only Hong Kong and Sydney are more expensive.


  7. Wah I loooove your Outfit, Melanie! Sooo cool! To wear the winter coat in the modern way is cool, for people and doctors ;) ähm and maybee for pysiotherapeuths .

  8. Badass kitteh! Love the look as always. Me, I gave up makeup as a teenager back in the '60's. Hate the smell. Hate the taste. Can't be arsed. Got better things to spend my money on. Such as fabrics and yarns!

  9. Now that winter weekend is over (it was 25 sometime in the middle of the night) I'll start wearing my coat like that. Wore a jacket to work and left it when I went home.

  10. You are always wearing just the right shade of crazy, girlfriend;-).

  11. Oh my darling, just wait til your 60, then even those black smudges are improvement over the real raw deal (at least for me anyway).

  12. Unless you have a nut allergy, peanut butter would be an excellent facial treatment for dry skin. And, it is recommended for removing chewing gum from children's hair (when they fall asleep with a wad of it in their squirrel cheek pouches). Should work a real treat to dissolve cosmetics.

    Homogenized, "regular" peanut butter probably the way to go. The sugar in it is a humectant and would reduce the loss of moisture in your skin. Non-homogenized, "natural" peanut butter is also an option, but I'm not sure if the bother of stirring it up each time is worth the glow of virtuous superiority for using a "natural" product instead of what the hoi polloi shove into their children's school lunchboxes.

  13. I hear you sista! And there I was thinking it was just silly sloppy me not rubbing off the mascara properly...:) Btw I have not any shoving and hoo-haw-ing to do but got the idea anyways ;-) You crack me up. And there is NO way you do not have any photographer on hand and a team of stylists....seriously!!!! xo Sabina

  14. I have seldom seen such a good bad ass. You totally nailed the look. And I love your t-shirt.
    Hah.. those kids can take you for their perfect example how it is done.
    Droopy mascara fits this look.

  15. Micellar water (it doesn't contain mice) works - just sayin.
    Now - have you any idea why every lipstick I own takes on an orange/rust hue when I apply it?
    I'm someone who likes dark rose/plum lipstick and it now takes on a gingery tone.
    Only you and Miz Bagg can help me now - I've never had this happen before.
    Or should I embrace the orange lip and pink hair combo?


    Elaine Monkeypaints

    p.s. you're so cool Melanie

  16. Leggings over jeans....why in the flying f*ck haven't I thought of that?! Genius. You look rad, dude! <3

    - Anna

  17. Mel - you are hilarious! You look wonderful as always.

    I know you don't want make up removal tips but here's two:

    1) I use baby wipes at night to remove the day's slap.
    2) The Body Shop do an eye make up remover that Sali Hughes (beauty journalist?) in the Guardian newspaper recommended.

    The coat off the shoulders thing is a look my my 6 year old grandson has perfected. He never pulls his bloody coat up even if there's snow and ice...grrr!


  18. I miss the days of nasty-woman allure, showing up at work to wait tables with heavy eyelids, a sly smile, and no desire to move quickly. Not many tips on those days. But I'm so glad that resting bitch face is now called party face - alternative facts make things sounds so much better!

  19. The pink ballgown was cool last week, but this street grunge look with party face has topped it.
    I spend more time scrubbing my make up off than I do putting it on nowadays. I think my face is scared to be seen without it.

    Anna x

  20. Your posts are always filled with wit, sarcasm and self-irony. Cool look!

  21. we're to poor to afford no make up look- I love that line.
    Make up removal is a bore...but hey maybe the after party look is not a bad idea.
    You certainly look like a rock star in these photos.
    love the location, love the outfit...and the pose with the coat falling off...perfect.
    Plus, you always make me laugh with your posts.

  22. True story. The other day I threw a sweater on over my pj's and went out to breakfast with a full bedhead and not a lick of make-up. I used to do this all the time back in my younger rosier days. and was usually seated front and center and given endless cups of coffee and free fruit plates and telephone numbers of randy busboys. This time the restaurant seated me in the back near the trashcans and reprimanded me for bringing my own personal maple syrup. Ah life.


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