How to pose the RIGHT way. A meetup. And Marie Claire magazine.

There have been lots of posts around lately about blogger fatigue. (See list at the bottom of this post.) To that I say, of course we are sick of blogging, and the reason is clear: simply, we're not doing it right. We're bad posers and we don't wear the right clothes. Fear not - help is on the way!! This week I share with you some excellent posing tips I picked up online.

So yeah, we may hate social media, but it's also our mythical highway to Viral Nirvana - or, in my case, a gravel road shortcut with pot holes, dead-ends, construction, and signs saying "No gas for 10,000 miles," and my favourite, "Treacherous conditions. Does anyone know you are here?" But best not to worry about that. Our GPS says to take the road less travelled and it is never wrong.

WRONG POSE
Below. Oh no, oh no, oh no. I am looking normalish! Bad. This is a prime example of bland, I-can't-believe-I-ate-the-whole-thing-shock, if-I-don't-move-I-will-remember-everything, nothing-going-on-in-there posing. Who wants to see that? I can already hear screamy Frau Farbissina: "NEXT!!!" (She is from the Austin Powers movies, ex. here.)

RIGHT POSE

Get your "squinch" on. I learned about squinching from New York/LA photographer Peter Hurley in his YouTube video, "It's all about the Squinch!" He's great! And he uses exclamation marks. 

He didn't explain it like this, but the trick to a good face is to think about chocolate, plots, and sexy secrets. Think about ways to adapt your leaf-blower into a duster. Think about what's under Fabio's gold lamé shorts. Okay, better not. Think about how fast a train must travel if it leaves point A at 11:00 and needs to arrive at point B at 1:03 if B is 7,031 km away, and will Sarah bring apples?

I know this pose but I always called it something sleuthy or high-noon cowboyie.

Squinching is a squint, but only using your lower lids; your upper lids aren't supposed to move. See? My face is sooo much better now: a face of intrigue, of mystery. It says, yeah, I ate the cheesecake, what are you going to do about it? Viewers will stop and stare, then say, we better get outta here, she's up to no good. Much more fun.

If you go extreme, it can look like you have indigestion, which can happen along that lonely road.

Below I am squinching again. And again, it looks like I've got stuff on my mind: how can I fit in a couple more hours of sleep, that workout really sucked, I have to write another blog post?!

But this photo is not for demonstrating the squinch. It's to show you Hurley's next tip, which he calls, "Hold Your Sub to look slimmer in photographs!" for upper arms. The "Sub" refers to a sub sandwich about 5 feet long. This is really brilliant.

WRONG POSE
Note my upper arms. Simple flesh bags. Nothing wrong with that, but they could be better.

RIGHT POSE
I didn't have any 5-foot subs left in the fridge so I decided to Hold the Broom. Just hold the broom. Okay, frig - I just wanna ride the broom. (It's an old broom and I don't know why it's still in such good condition!?)

Note how my upper arms curve inwards at the top now, looking waaaay more toned than reality. It's the best kind of non-fake fakery. I told you it's a good tip. I think Hurley really meant this pose to be for upper body photography, with the sub off camera, but why limit ourselves? We could all carry our brooms everywhere, look fabulous (at least our arms), stop sweeping our floors (check!), and open a bar called Coven.

In the next photo I am doing dramatic squinching and Holding the Sub Broom. It's like you can read my mind: what do you mean brooms are for sweeping? Are you a doofus?

Hurley has another video called "It's all about the Jaw!" about how to create a defined jaw line, which requires sticking out your neck and chin and putting your forehead forward. In real life it looks ridiculous, but it looks great in photos with young models. When I try it, I get fantastic definition too - of my jowls and string neck.

The amazing photographic 3-D effect of sticking out my neck.

Plus, sticking out a neck with poultry-like tendencies is not a good idea, especially around Thanksgiving. I suspect that doing this pose while standing on my head would be a big help, although I'd have to watch out for bags over (under?) my eyes.

And there you have it. By employing these simple techniques, soon we'll all see tons of traffic on our blogs and sit waving to each other on the backroads to Viral Nirvana. If you get a clean break, be sure to honk as you go by. I'll cluck back.

Stay tuned for Part 2 on how to dress right.

In all seriousness, I love Peter Hurley. He is funny, engaging, and knows how to make people look their best. It's good entertainment and information. Have a look.

AND... A BLOGGER MEETUP!

Carolyn of blog Handmade by Carolyn was in Vancouver from Australia and we local blogger gals rallied. It was like meeting a star! - Carolyn of the handmade clothes, of the handmade shoes, of the handmade boots! Revered sewista of finished seams. She and her husband C had been travelling on the Northwest Coast of Canada and the US and, happy day, they fit in some hours in Vancouver. He took this photo of us.

Left to right: Sveta of blog Sewing Sveta and IG @svetadolsi, Barbara of IG @vancouverbarbara, Sue of blog A Colourful Canvas and IG @acolourfulcanvas, Louisa of blog Damselfly's Delights and IG @damselfly.ca, Carolyn of blog Handmade by Carolyn and IG @handmadebycarolyn, and me.

We played hard in what little time we had, including a trip to some fabric shops and one of my favourite local alleys. I'm putting in this photo below so I have something to link up with Patti's Visible Monday at Not Dead Yet Style and Catherine's #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb. More photos are on Carolyn's and Barbara's social media.

It's so cool too that Carolyn was also wearing her loupe from O. We were loupe-de-loupe! See HERE on Barbara's Instagram.

PS During "brunch," we (except Barbara, driving) had grapefruit mimosas and I had bacon and egg porridge with maple syrup, the perfect drink pairing. Interesting.

AND FINALLY,
Some months ago I sent photos to Marie Claire Netherlands for an article they were doing. I was very excited, naturally. And then I heard nothing. I thought they killed the story. Then on Instagram recently, I got a comment from @roosevaels saying she had seen me in there!?

I wrote to MC again and they said, "Yes, so sorry, we forgot to tell you." So I'm in the May print issue of Marie Claire Netherlands, which is happy news. Bwahaha! Along with Sarah Jane Adams @saramaijewels, Lyn Slater of Accidental Icon and @iconaccidental, and Helen Van Winkle of @baddiewinkle. HUGE THANKS to Marie Claire for including me!!!

Because you can't buy the issue now, it's from May, I'm including the piece on me below. In Dutch, I don't know what it says. "She loves smelling stinky running shoes and eating ladybugs!" Don't believe a word of it. (Bacon in my porridge was true, just that one time though.)

EDIT: Greetje of No Fear of Fashion has translated this article. Thank you!

The machine translation said "All that beige and stretch will bump you off." Hahaha. Close.

And that's my report, done. Yippee!! I know, I know, this could have been several posts but I like doing it in one fell swoop. I hope you made it! 

This is not squinching.

And I'm not really done-done - I've been to other great blogger meetups and to an excellent Slow Clothes fashion show, where Vivian, my personal style client, strut the catwalk. She was soooo good, like a younger Vivienne Westwood.

Okay, NOW I'm done!
May your days be filled with hope and good food! Also, I have responded to all your comments from the last several posts. I really enjoyed it. You guys are the BEST!

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The posts about blogger and/or social media fatigue are here:
Suzanne Carillo: Why Bother Writing? Why I Love To Hate Social Media
Samantha at Fake Fabulous: 5 Reasons I Don't Like Social Media
Shelley at Forest City Fashionista: I've Lost The Will To Blog

Miz Bagg's poser video, new garbage shirt maxi, and more

My new feather boa. It's been too frigging hot to dress like a non-colour-fast bird but my new character, Helen, didn't give a flightless flying feck. Helen is the host of my new YouTube series called Helen's Hot Hauties - as in Haute Couture (hauties pronounced hoe'-tees). Think of it as VOGOFF in motion, with an exuberant host. Those are stills from video footage but Helen wears glasses now.

Episode 1 features a selection of Miz Bagg's award-winning original poses in a segment I'd pieced together before I thought of Hot Hauties. Sadly, most of Helen was chopped; there was no room left. Ah well, she's only the host who explains everything. More than a minute of me in video is simply too fabularsenic. I'm not sure where I'll take HH, but I can say: talking to myself in public with grand animation set a new record of shamelessness.

And this is Hat Attack #13, is it true? Thirteen?! And here I am in a hat.

This photo was dark so I had to up my levels all around, but you get the idea. I love cloches and I wore this blue cotton one, which I bought retail years ago, for most of my inspiration walk today; I had to take it off and ruffle my hair in the breeze once in a while. I also felt invisible under this hat with my shades on, but I enjoyed slinking around in Spy Mode. Thanks, Judith of Style Crone, for the party, Hat Attack #13. Her hat collection is incredible. 

I'm also linking up to Sheila's Shoe Shine at her blog Ephemera. There's a good view of my hairy thrifted D&G shoes in the photo below.

BUT GUESS WHAT I'M WEARING!! You'll never guess. It's a dress I made! I'm am so excited I had to make a drainage hole in the bottom of it. 

I got a new serger, a special gift from O. I had been having trouble with knits on my regular sewing machine. I tried sandwiching the fabric with paper, taping it, using interfacing, stabilizers, starching, zigzagging, stretch stitching, every single trick to stop that annoying ruffle. It would also have helped if my machine had a presser foot pressure adjustment knob, but NON! Soooo.... Hahahah! 

My serger is a Brother "Lock 1034D", less than $300. It arrived pre-threaded, and after untangling the mess I just started sewing. I'm going to use this thread until it runs out. 

This dress is made of three garbage shirts, a navy blue regular T on top, a darker navy golf shirt turned upside down, collar and buttons removed and pockets turned into sleeves near my knees, and a khaki T-shirt, also upside-down with the collar removed and sleeve turned into drainage hole. I finished the piece off with a bleach pen, inspired by Megan Mae's recent bleach projects.

I was feeling very angsty about the Machine so I just. started. sewing. The freedom! Aaaah. Breaking the learned no-no of sewing without a plan felt like writing in library books with black marker and folding their pages over and dribbling coffee and food all over them. Now that I have done sewing like this and didn't get heck or have to pay a fine, I'm committed to doing more. I'm scouring the house for more garbage T's. 

I am so pleased with this garbage shirt maxi dress that I feel like a writer who has first-novel writer's block. Can I live up to this mess again?! A huge hug to all my sew-sisters out there - you know who you are - for inspiring me to take this next step with the Machine.

If you're still reading - yes, this is a packed post - a reminder to watch the video, Helen's Hot Hauties, with Miz Bagg's award-winning poses. I hope you too try these poses out at home. 

Finally, THANKS, EVERYONE, for your VOGOFF submissions! As I suspected, I had quite a few come in these past few days. It's going to be the best issue, a bit different, as it should be, and hopefully worthy of our collective efforts.

See you in the funny papers. Who used to say that? I hope you're all finding inspiration around every corner. I look forward to visiting you.

Posing 101

How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1
How many times have we looked at photos of ourselves and shuddered - "I look like a clown!" or "I look like myself!" Well, this handy How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1, will make taking your own fashion photos a snap! Before you know it you'll be voguing in your sleep! In the supermarket! In your car! Even in the dentist's chair!

Before we begin: The test shot 
Before any serious modelling session it's always a good idea to take a test shot. A test shot is a handy check of our lighting and a last-minute look-see to make sure we've put on our clothes.

For today's shoot we were extremely fortunate to have with us world-renowned photographer Takenzeepiss. Our subject is Miz Bagg, who recently signed a contract as spokesmodel for Mud-on-Your-Face beauty products. Although she is a seasoned runaway model and poser, these are looks anyone can achieve! Her outfit is courtesy of the World's Greatest Fashion Designer, "iqi" (pronounced "icky").

Miz Bagg modelling "iqi"  - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Wow! Isn't she faaaabulous? And she hasn't even starting posing yet! That's some look, wouldn' you say? It only took our team of a dozen hairstylists, manicurists, and "iqi" two days to achieve this jaw-dropping transformation of Miz Bagg from her everyday dowdy look to this jaw-dropping haute-couture howdy-doody runway-ready face! Good job team!

Now that we're sure we've achieved the pinnacle of beauty, we begin the serious work of "The Pose." Today's lesson features four fun and easy poses that you can easily duplicate in the comfort of your own home!

Pose 1: Create a clean line

Miz Bagg demonstrating "The Clean Line" - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Think elegance, think sophistication. Seeing this pose of course brings to mind the scene of Audrey Hepburn gazing deep into Gregory Peck's eyes at the end of Roman Holiday. In fact, Miz Bagg has captured here the essence of both Ms. Hepburn and Mr. Peck! Look how the lines of her clothes flow so smoothly from head to toe. This pose is a simple, surefire winner that only requires the support of a La-Z-Boy chair or other recliner. 

Miz Bagg says, "It helps to imagine that you are a piece of wood or flotsam or an airplane." Those secrets from the pros...you'll only find them here!

Pose 2: Tread water

Miz Bagg demonstrating "Treading Water" Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Isn't Miz Bagg working the camera here? It's always a good idea to pretend you're treading water. Nothing is more flattering to the feminine form than an aquatic pose. Don't limit yourself to treading water - the butterfly stroke, side stroke, or nose-pinch are all equally darling poses. (Order your How-to Guide to Posing, Part 2, to see the Polar Bear Dip face!) To loosen up, pretend your sofa is a swimming pool or practise on a kitchen stool.

Miz Bagg says, "Sometimes it helps to hold your breath and count to 500." How fun! As an added bonus, you'll burn calories with this pose! Ding dong!

Pose 3: Be a bird

Miz Bagg gives us "The Bird" - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

Who doesn't love the grace and beauty of a bird - an egret, a toucan, a pelican? Spread your majestic wings and soar using your  La-Z-Boy for support.

Of this pose Miz Bagg says, "I feel like I'm about to take off like a lovely virginal white swam swimming gracefully and majestically across a greenish brown pond slightly coated with pond scum, which doesn't hinder me because my beauty eclipses all the unsightly detritus around me? It's like I'm gently cooing a birdly love song towards the setting sun with the silhouette of palm trees swaying in the breeze." She says it all. Such a romantic pose.

Pose 4: Display your finest assets

Miz Bagg summing up today's lesson - Photo by Takenzeepiss  (c) 2012

This pose sums up all that we've learnt so far about posing today. It is not only the most flattering pose but it's also the easiest to attain of all today's poses. Who better than Miz Bagg to demonstrate this so masterfully? Takenzeepiss has ingeniously mounted Miz Bagg on the chair to enhance the beauty and sophistication of this dramatic statement. See how her clothes just flow? And who will ever notice those laugh lines when your face is buried in a chair? Look how the clever positioning of the sweater tie adds a distinctly bold and manly effect!

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If you have found these free tips helpful, order the How-to Guide to Posing, Part 2, 8-track cassette for more fun with cameras, featuring Miz Bagg and Takenzeepiss, just $1.00 plus $50 shipping and handling. Act now and get a free vegetable peeler, plus shipping and handling.

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This is part of an art project I'm working on - why do we pose certain ways and not others, apart from the obvious above. How do we change in front of a camera... I hope you enjoyed this sample of photos. Patti of Not Dead Yet Style had a very funny post on posing on Aug. 17. 

Don't worry - I'll be back to outfits in my next post...