Hickory dickory schlock and the crooked hat

THE CROOKED HAT

This is for Judith's Hat Attack 31 linkup at Style Crone, my crooked hat. 

There was a cooked hat perched on a crooked head, 

It stopped the crooked rain with its lime and crooked reds, 

It shielded crooked eyes from crooked evil sights  

And when it got back home it cried, "Take me to New York!"

HICKORY DICKORY SCHLOCK

Hickory Dictory Schlock

Your mouse hued up her frock

The image froze

And wrecked my pose

Hickory Dickory Schlock

I'd been fermenting his mouseover idea for at least 24 hours, and although this resultant draft is not yet 100 proof, it's palatable with drunken overtones of Ghost/Muppet/Meanie and bits of pickle - anything to take the edge off and quench my self-defecating sense of humour. Moving right along...

Note: If you roll your mouse - or whatever else you use - across the above photo, the image should change, hence "mouseover," also known as "rollover." If it doesn't work, clearly you need to upgrade to an older device or drink more of my special brew.

I dressed to match my hair - too lazy to push the hair dryer ON switch. And too lazy to change for my morning walk - this is what I often wear at home.

After I saw my photos, I quickly realized I look exactly like Turnip Head, so I put her in there too. She is also a happy nursery-rhymie yet cynical creature.

I'm wearing a ghastly oversized men's shirt, thrifted, purchased when I was delusional thinking I would upcycle it. Pfff. It's so stiff it makes a crinkling sound. Soft cotton patchwork drawstring pants, oversized long-sleeve orange T-shirt, and reading glasses over my regular glasses with clip-on shades. Holy hot harridan!

And, just when you thought you'd made it to the end of the post, no!! Another few seconds of creepy vexation.

THE BIG FINISH

I made this tiny video message at the end of December. I wasn't going to show you, but why not? I suppose this is to celebrate Chinese New Year, February 8, heh. She is scary cool.

I've found a new favourite British sitcom on Netflix, Black Books, which ran from 2000 to 2004. I use it to de/retox at the end of my work-filled days and get trippy dreams. Watch it! Well, if you want to.

I'm of course linking to Patti at Visible Monday, Not Dead Yet Style, and
Catherine at #iwillwearwhatilike, Not Dressed as Lamb, and
Anne at 52 Pick-me-up: Ink Blue at SpyGirl.
Including Judith's Hat Attack, there nothing like hitting FOUR big parties on Monday morning to kick off the week. I hope I see you there. I'll be the one staggering into the bushes.

How to use your camera remote control

How many times has this happened to you: you set up your tripod for your photo shoot and your remote ends up front and centre, hogging the limelight! No only that, but you end up looking like you're in a murderous rage or auditioning for the next Mr. Bean movie.

In today's blog post I give you several easy techniques, which I have developed in collaboration with Miz Bagg Laboratories, on how to point and shoot your way to fetching and professional photos that don't hurt your remote, your camera or your reputation usually in the process.


1. HOT POCKET REMOTE 

Such a fun technique! Optimal positioning of the remote in your pocket is critical. For beginners, the horizontal sweet spot is easiest to find and stretchy fabric works best, but with experience you will realize that the horizontal position is just one way to trigger the shudder shutter.

a) Demonstration of successsful Hot Pocket technique

How secretly exciting it is to conceal a magic wand in your pocket, knowing that when you press the button and hear that happy chirrup, your rapture will be photographically captured forever. You'll laugh and laugh.

When outdoors, passersby will hastily retreat out of respect for your extraordinary expressions of concentration, but your wandly bulge alone will act as a clear signal of your dedication to photography.


2. ACCESSORY REMOTE

a) Example of hideous remote control takeover. "Hello, hello! Is there a person there? Knock, knock, knock. Where? Where? I don't see her. I only see a selfish camera remote control!!"

The solution in this case - sunglasses. Suddenly you're no longer a dork with a remote - you're a super sleuth with a camera remote control masking-taped to the arm of your sunglasses. You instantly become a player in a game of farcical global intrigue. Oh, such a simple solution. "Why hadn't I thought of it before," you'll ask yourself over and over.

b) Demonstration of successful Accessory Remote technique

When outdoors, people who see you will hilariously think your tripod belongs to someone else and you're having serious trouble with your eyewear. Fun, isn't it?


3. REMOTE ON RAILS (Caution: only for seriously remote users)

Like Robert DeNiro in the movie Taxi Driver (here at 1:34), in this case your remote control is hidden up your sleeve at all times. When it's time to use it, you simply slide it down the rail strapped to your arm, then reach over and trigger it with your other hand. This particular technique may not actually conceal your remote, but whatever.

a) Demonstration of remote on rails with a coat

b) Demonstration of remote on rails without the coat

Sometimes the remote may derail. Pffft. If anyone gives you the side eye while using this technique, simply say: "Are you lookin' at me?" and start sliding your remote quickly up and down your arm. They will leave.


4. DISTRACTION REMOTE

Sometimes you may be wearing so much shite that nobody will even know you have a remote control cleverly concealed in your clothing. This is an advanced version of the Hot Pocket Remote technique and should be used with caution.

a) Failure to conceal remote in clothing. Hideous photo shoot hijacked by electronic device. "Look at my remote! Look at my remote! Don't look at me!!"

b) Successful remote concealment which allows for total poser relaxation

In this case, a rare soft and feminine facial expression of sophistication and really kind of chic-ness with hairiness has been achieved. And where is the remote? Hahaha! If you guessed it's nested in the pom pom under the purple ear muff and polka-dot scarf, left, you'd be correct. Ding ding ding ding!!

c) Another distraction technique: glittery legs, coupled with the question, "WTF is she wearing?"

I hope you've learned something special here today, my friends. It has taken me and Miz Bagg Laboratories more time than it should ever be necessary to address this very serious issue, but we are happy and proud to share these results with you. We hope that you become more and more remote aware. 

If you need a refresher on posing, be sure to reread Miz Bagg's How-to Guide to Posing here. 

Please take a moment to share your own experiences applying these winning techniques in the comments section below. 

___________________________________________________________________

Bwahahaha!

Even after this intensive study, it will take a while before I perfect my remote handling. Until then, I shall employ "Learning through Teaching," which is a popular technique that involves teaching others how to do something until you figure it out yourself. 

I took an extra light into the concrete box this time, which helped brighten things up, and got a few photos I really like. That Taxi Driver-rail tape was a challenge to rip off. I should have used elastic bands. There will be no next time to try it.

New thrift finds: The champagne pink sequin dress I adore - it's from My Sister's Closet. The vintage striped maxi dress has a hood and front zip and I suspect is a '70s beach coverup. I bought it super discounted on Boxing Day at Used House of Vintage. 

I'm linking this up to Patti at Visible Monday, Not  Dead Yet Style, and Catherine at #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb.

Have a great week, everyone.

Below is something I wore earlier this week. I decided to be a tourist in my own town to distract myself from the cold. It didn't work.

I am employing Distraction Remote (Lite) technique here with my new thrifted purple ear muffs. Sorry, Greetje, I didn't get a good photo of the blouse, but it's silky and ties at the front.

July blogger meetup in Vancouver!

Aaaack! The International +40 blogger brawl meetup in Vancouver is SOON!

So far, about 25 bloggers from around the world will be descending on my fair city. And I challenge those of you who have a passion for dressing up to make this the most stylish convergence of +40 women Canada has ever seen. (Believe me, it won't be hard, especially in Vancouver - even with practical walking shoes.) Maybe you'll inspire me to restart my street style blog!

Many of you are staying at the Blue Horizon Hotel downtown. Imagine the pyjama parties, the junk food, the imbibing, and the blackmail photo ops! Partaking in such childish behaviour of course will be at your discretion, or lack thereof, although it's possible we'll be too wiped out to keep our eyes open past midnight. We'll blame it on jet lag, shall we, despite the fact I live here.

Meeting you will be like meeting celebrities. Miz Bagg is, of course, non-plussed by the whole thing seeing as how her entire life is about ego and celebrity. She recently invited me on set for the Vancouver photo shoot of her friend, who hitched a ride back to town on the private Bagg Jet after wrapping up a sold-out concert tour of Europe. Imagine the sound of my jaw hitting the floor when I heard the friend's name: Sue of A Colourful Canvas.

This is Sue of A Colourful Canvas.

Well, that is the Sue I knew at any rate. All light and sunshine and creativity... It turns out she has a secret life, a darker life, a lewd life as a nasty international rock guru and top spokesmodel for hit products. Rumour on set was that Nike has just signed Sue for their new campaign: Don't do it!!

Sue's signature snarl. I know - can you believe it?

Really, at every turn it was "*&%$ this" and "#$!#* that." She's the only person I know, except Diavola, who can hold her own, expletive-wise, with Miz Bagg. Attitude, I've never witnessed anything this extreme.

In the middle of the shoot, without warning, Sue disappeared into her trailer with Miz Bagg and several roadies and photographers for a couple of hours, for "a nap." When she finally tumbled out, she gave me the finger (below)! And Miz Bagg mooned me (sorry, no photo).

I managed a few days ago, through Miz Bagg's assistant Enid, to get my hands on a mock-up of a print ad featuring one of the afternoon's shots, which will headline an orange juice campaign in the UK later this year. Apparently, Sue was paid over 5 million euro by Orange Growers of the Arctic for this endorsement. That's Sue flashing the crew! Sue leads the negative advertising trend - in fact, she pioneered it with Miz Bagg.

Bwa-ha-ha!! I had so much fun on this shoot. I happened to have a couple of wigs in my bag when I met Sue for coffee (who doesn't?), and I was wearing the robe. On the shoot I kept yelling at Sue (the fan was loud), "Look angry! Look pissed off! You're a b*tch! You're a b*tch!", which only made us laugh more. I'm sure people in the highrises around us were entertained: me, stumbling in my high geta sandals then crouched on the ground very pro-like, trying not to get piss hand, and Sue, flapping in front of the high-power air vent asking, "Do I look angry?" 

We also got lots of excellent glam shots - Sue posted a couple here - but in this post I chose to share the other Sue. (FYI, Sue said it's okay so we're still friends. Right, Sue?!)

For me, the point of the meetup is something like what these photos are. An escape. A holiday. A time to play and get to know each other better. To explore.

If you're thinking of joining the meetup, it's time to get on it! Suzanne needs your information as soon as possible, at least before July 15, so she can organize everything. And don't worry; if Miz Bagg scares you, there are all kinds of women coming with a variety of interests and talents. I'll be there, me, Melanie. I'm not sure if Miz Bagg's schedule permits. And Sue will be there, the good Sue. And of course, Suzanne, not sure which one. Heh.

FULL MEETUP DETAILS ARE HERE, 
Suzanne Carillo's blog.

See you later? 

Who wore it better? Outfit outrage!

Transcript: "Who Wore it Better?!"
Episode 2: "Two Celebrities Duke it Out"
Location: Schtellar Studios, Miz Bagg Network, Burbank, California, USA

Show Host - Helen: Time to sharpen your claws, Ladies, for another thrilling episode of - say it with me - [audience joins in]:

WHO WORE IT BETTER?!

[applause]

Today we have Melanie and Turnip Head who embarrassingly showed up at the Miz Bagg Universal Universe Awards in the SAME OUTFIT. Quel faux pas, darlings! [laughter, boos] I mean reeally!

Turnip Head, left, and Melanie, right, caught in outfit scandal!! Who wore it better?!

You'll have seen the red carpet footage. [murmuring] Talk about a barroom brawl! [applause, whistles] Each claimed to be wearing a Miz Bagg original and accused the other, in shockingly unintelligible expletives, of a straight-up style rip-off. [oooh] Miz Bagg, who was seen filming the fight on her iPhone, declined comment.

The rowing duo eventually lurched screaming and sobbing into the restroom where the smackdown continued. [OOOH] When they emerged, they were disheveled and entangled in toilet paper, which, thanks to Miz Bagg's keen eye, has become today's hottest look. [applause, whistles]

We're lucky to have both Turnip Head and Melanie with us in the studio to dish it direct. Please, let's give it all up for Ms. Turnip Head! [enthusiastic applause, cheering]

Turnip Head enters and sits in the guest chair.

Thank you for joining us, Ms. Head. Could you tell us in your own words what happened?  Did you have the dress first? How do you think Melanie looked in it?

Turnip Head: Yesh, that Melanie is just a little human slave of the Evil One. [sniff] She thinks she is so hot. But I had my outfit FIRST! She looked like, like...like cabbage! [oooh]

Melanie, waiting offstage, bursts on set

Melanie: Why you smirking little vegetable. We know I had mine first. I even bought that robe thingy when I met Suzanne and Sue at our blogger meetup. Hey, I think I have a vegetable peeler in my toolbox handbag somewhere. Maybe you'd like to meet my friend Julienne. [OOOH]

Camera zooms in on toolbox handbag-
BBQ chips, a dirty sweat sock, unwrapped candies with hair stuck on them. 

Turnip Head: Oh, yeah? R-r-really? Look who's talking, the loser, capital L, who nobody complimented your stinkin' frankened Desigual dress. [Ooooh]

Melanie: I said I don't care about that! Don't you even check my Twitter, starch ass?

Turnip Head: Oh yeah? Well, well, y-you know what? You're not even on Twitter...!!!

Turnip Head and Melanie lunge at each other. 

Muffled oofs and aaahs. 

Audience laughter, screaming, scuffling, camera black out.

Cut to commercial for Dentabone doggy tooth whitening treats.

Debriefing after the show at Melanie's home:

I wore it first! (love my hair here) But Turnip Head definitely wore it better.

This is in fact the long cover-up I bought the day I met Suzanne and Sue on our blogger meetup, the garment I had my eye on for two years. Because the maxi dress under it is a bit too long, I have to belt and bunch it as much as possible, and wear heels besides. This dress I'll hem. Wearing it I felt like I was on a red carpet, well, maybe a purple one.

Details: 

• thrifted aqua cover-up with sequins along the scalloped edges 
• thrifted aqua long-sleeve maxi dress with matching gauzy under-dress
• thrifted Miu Miu biker boots
• DIY bug pendant
• garbage-room-find dainty necklace 
• thrifted chain belt, thrifted vintage leather belt 
• gifted vintage earrings, thrifted vintage sunglasses, and magic loupe. 

Off the record, Turnip Head and I didn't fight at all. That was just sneaky show biz promoting Miz Bagg's new TP style. We used the gift certificate Miz Bagg paid us on a lovely lunch at McDonald's (I paid the difference). I don't carry a veggie peeler in my toolbox handbag either. As for the other stuff, you'll never know.

Have you ever been caught in a scandalous identical outfit situation? I don't get it. If it were a financial argument, yeah, maybe, but it always seems to be about Who wore it better? If we really want something serious to debate, how about this: bananas - can you really peel them from the bottom?

Fake life imitates art in a fake life, and Hat Attack! Second try...

Oops, I deleted my whole post by mistake. So... 

NOW I'M REDOING IT!!! THAT'S MY DISRUPTION!!!!

Wearing thrifted mustard muppet coat, thrifted hard-worn tie-dyed cotton top, thrifted stretch tartan skinny jeans, black glitter platform shoes, thrifted silk scarf. Kitty is wearing whatever he likes. I don't remember what caused the disruption (yeah, because I have a new one) - probably a screaming child - but I do remember tearing down the highway in Kitty's red Bugatti before we hightailed it back to Carnegie Hall for his concert. Good times, friends.

Hello harlots - Today I unveil the newest trend which I, moi, have created in my genius-infected brain. Since my fired incompetent assistant Enid is locked in VOGOFF's closet, she pathetically failed to escape and restock my hair products. What choice did I have but to hang upside-down for this photo to achieve hair volume? The Boys are on their way over with the inversion harness on wheels, a hoist, and a truck to take me shopping. I call this "Eco Hair" - volume without the mess. When I think of all nature's precious and usually cute creatures I am saving by hanging upside-down and not using nasty, vile hair products I shudder and a tear escapes my eye and rolls into my eyebrow. My processional route is sterilized in advance but you unfortunates can use Eco Hair to sweep your floors and those little pennies that get stuck in your tangles may help you with the groceries. Poor dears. Ba-bye! Miz Bagg, Your Bagness.

I thought it would be fun to imitate Anne's awesome sketch of Miz Bagg that she posted at Spy Girl so I hung upside down off the table because, seriously, I didn't want to put product in my hair. Not comfortable - product or pose! I had to run and fling on a 10-sec timer. My sunglasses, the biggest pair I have, kept falling up over my forehead - not a usual problem. The dress, though, is divine, a thrifted maxi, made in France, wool/mohair blend with sparkly gold-thread serging and an elegant hoodie hanging up by my ear. I am using the hoodie as a poor excuse to join Judith's Hat Attack 21 at Style Crone. Thanks, Judith!

The view from my coffee shop, one of Vancouver's most upscale clothing department stores, Holt Renfrew:
"ARE YOU AN CON: Legendary moments await." I thought, what an interesting campaign, even though they got the "an" wrong, until I realized that the "I" was concealed by the light post. Boring after all.

So my upside-down photo is life imitating my fake life imitating art imitating Anne's fake life in her fake journal. I love the fake journal project Anne does, and how thrilled I was to see that she had incorporated Her Supreme Betchness in her story of Enid. Thank you, Anne. You have revived Miz Bagg! I look forward to more of Enid's adventures. Tee hee.

And - "What? More jeans? Stop! Stop already!" Blame it on the runners. I have been enjoying the fleet-footed freedom of these shoes, the knowledge that I could bolt at the drop of a chocolate - to catch it before it hits the ground. The words alone - sneakers, runners - conjure up dusty playgrounds, monkey bars and squeaks on gym floors.

These are my thrifted black jeans, $5, thrifted black blazer that fits like a glove, $5, thrifted man's shirt, more than $5, scribbled-on thrifted sneakers, colourful Harlequin socks, retail, and of course my magic loupe from O. A neighbour said I looked boyish in this. Coltish is good too. Not to be confused with the old grey mare. Or mutton. Or any other farm animal. Although I am good at bull.

Thanks for all your comments in my last post about IG. Lots to think about. Also, I'm not ready to give up on blogging.

PS If you have published and then accidentally lost a post, search for it online and you will find the cache that you can copy. Whew!

Miz Bagg's poser video, new garbage shirt maxi, and more

My new feather boa. It's been too frigging hot to dress like a non-colour-fast bird but my new character, Helen, didn't give a flightless flying feck. Helen is the host of my new YouTube series called Helen's Hot Hauties - as in Haute Couture (hauties pronounced hoe'-tees). Think of it as VOGOFF in motion, with an exuberant host. Those are stills from video footage but Helen wears glasses now.

Episode 1 features a selection of Miz Bagg's award-winning original poses in a segment I'd pieced together before I thought of Hot Hauties. Sadly, most of Helen was chopped; there was no room left. Ah well, she's only the host who explains everything. More than a minute of me in video is simply too fabularsenic. I'm not sure where I'll take HH, but I can say: talking to myself in public with grand animation set a new record of shamelessness.

And this is Hat Attack #13, is it true? Thirteen?! And here I am in a hat.

This photo was dark so I had to up my levels all around, but you get the idea. I love cloches and I wore this blue cotton one, which I bought retail years ago, for most of my inspiration walk today; I had to take it off and ruffle my hair in the breeze once in a while. I also felt invisible under this hat with my shades on, but I enjoyed slinking around in Spy Mode. Thanks, Judith of Style Crone, for the party, Hat Attack #13. Her hat collection is incredible. 

I'm also linking up to Sheila's Shoe Shine at her blog Ephemera. There's a good view of my hairy thrifted D&G shoes in the photo below.

BUT GUESS WHAT I'M WEARING!! You'll never guess. It's a dress I made! I'm am so excited I had to make a drainage hole in the bottom of it. 

I got a new serger, a special gift from O. I had been having trouble with knits on my regular sewing machine. I tried sandwiching the fabric with paper, taping it, using interfacing, stabilizers, starching, zigzagging, stretch stitching, every single trick to stop that annoying ruffle. It would also have helped if my machine had a presser foot pressure adjustment knob, but NON! Soooo.... Hahahah! 

My serger is a Brother "Lock 1034D", less than $300. It arrived pre-threaded, and after untangling the mess I just started sewing. I'm going to use this thread until it runs out. 

This dress is made of three garbage shirts, a navy blue regular T on top, a darker navy golf shirt turned upside down, collar and buttons removed and pockets turned into sleeves near my knees, and a khaki T-shirt, also upside-down with the collar removed and sleeve turned into drainage hole. I finished the piece off with a bleach pen, inspired by Megan Mae's recent bleach projects.

I was feeling very angsty about the Machine so I just. started. sewing. The freedom! Aaaah. Breaking the learned no-no of sewing without a plan felt like writing in library books with black marker and folding their pages over and dribbling coffee and food all over them. Now that I have done sewing like this and didn't get heck or have to pay a fine, I'm committed to doing more. I'm scouring the house for more garbage T's. 

I am so pleased with this garbage shirt maxi dress that I feel like a writer who has first-novel writer's block. Can I live up to this mess again?! A huge hug to all my sew-sisters out there - you know who you are - for inspiring me to take this next step with the Machine.

If you're still reading - yes, this is a packed post - a reminder to watch the video, Helen's Hot Hauties, with Miz Bagg's award-winning poses. I hope you too try these poses out at home. 

Finally, THANKS, EVERYONE, for your VOGOFF submissions! As I suspected, I had quite a few come in these past few days. It's going to be the best issue, a bit different, as it should be, and hopefully worthy of our collective efforts.

See you in the funny papers. Who used to say that? I hope you're all finding inspiration around every corner. I look forward to visiting you.

VOGOFF Call for Submissions

Miz Bagg is back and ready to commence work on her next thrilling issue of VOGOFF magazine, tentatively called Le Grand Fashion Art (Grand F'ART) Issue. Anyone who pinkie swears to the pledge below is welcome to make a submission.

VOGOFF PLEDGE

• I pledge to push my VOGOFF style beyond all boundaries of decorum. When I have reached my creative limits, I shall then ignite my booster rockets to achieve stratospheric outrageousness.
• I pledge to call in favours from family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers to capture intriguing photos in such locations as recreation facilities, galleries, factory floors, theatres (stages), restaurant kitchens, busy public sidewalks, alleyways, bowling alleys, carnivals, canoes, etc., while wearing dumbfounding high-fashion clothing, often thrifted.
• I pledge to turn my environment into a photo shoot playground.
• I pledge to ignore the quizzical looks of bystanders during public photo sessions. (See Fashion Pass)
• I pledge to express my inner VOGOFF super-duper model (at all times) in pursuit an elevated state of being and not to second-guess my creative inner self. 

SUBMISSIONS

When readers see a VOGOFF photo they should ask themselves:

What the feck is happening there?

Who is that half-naked young man with her?

What the hell is she wearing?!

Models must wear dumbfounding outfits. Serious fashion may be considered ONLY if it is presented in a compromising situation. In all cases, think of Vogue on crack as the standard for your photos. All ages, all sizes are of course welcome.

Be serious. Be Zoolander.

Photos should be taken at your highest resolution.

GOOD LIGHTING is your best friend!!!

Miz Bagg will accept a maximum of 2 photos per submission. Not all photos will be published. Miz Bagg reserves the right to fiddle-faddle with your photos as it strikes her fancy. The release date of Le Grand F'ART Issue depends on the number of submissions received and will be announced on Bag and a Beret.

Send your submission to the Bag and a Beret email contact with VOGOFF Submission in the subject line. Include the name/blog address (if applicable)/clothing details that you would like to appear with your photo/credits. All work must be original to you. You do not need to have a blog to participate.

DEADLINE: April 29 May 19

This convenient Fashion Pass gives you permission to act like an idiot in the name of Miz Bagg and VOGOFF magazine.*

I hope you will join in - it's a great chance to show off your uber-fashion talent. The last VOGOFF issue has had almost 10,000 reads to date, which for some bloggers may not be a big deal but for me is very thrilling. Thank you everyone who had a look, and thanks especially to the incredibly talented women who so generously contributed to it! 

*Okay, I'm joking here. Miz Bagg/VOGOFF/Bag and a Beret will not be liable for public mischief that results from photo shoots for VOGOFF magazine. Why must I even write this?...

VOGOFF December 2012 issue

Here it is: the VOGOFF December 2012 issue. This is what I have been busy doing during my spare time. Miz Bagg was a taskmaster. I hope you like it - I certainly enjoyed putting it together. My thanks to all the wonderful people who contributed to this issue. Mwah!! Maybe YOU will be in the next one...? Click below to read it in pdf format.
VOGOFF December 2012

EDIT
Issue 1 (test issue)
Issue 3
Issue 4

Join The Travelling Yellow Skirt Freak Show

The Freakish Yellow Skirt is now retired. Thanks everyone, for joining! She is home, but she is not finished yet. Stay tuned. 

Yes - the FREAKISH yellow skirt (FYS) is flying around the world AGAIN! - and it wants YOU to style her as part of a I-surrender-to-positivity celebration. The globe-trekking, which kicked off in 2012, was Sarah's idea (from Misfits Vintage), and I think it's too much fun. Plus it's much easier than mailing a gnome - or myself considering how gnomish I look below.

 

REQUEST THE SKIRT

Send me an email, act like a diva (no spaces) AT g mail dot com. Include your full mailing address and I will tell the current skirt holder where the skirt should go next. I will notify you that the skirt is on its way. 

The list will be made in priority sequence, not according to geography. She is a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-skirt kind of skirt. Plus, MANY THANKS TO SHELLEY of Forest City Fashionista, for generously coordinating so much of the skirt's journey until now. 

AFTER YOU GET THE SKIRT

If you like, attach something to the skirt or alter it with paint, sewing, markers or other means. Please do not shorten the skirt because the length is part of its charm, and please maintain the skirt's flexible sizing. 

Post a photo of yourself in the skirt and let me know. I shall then put a notice on this blog and post a photo in the FYS Gallery.

Please try not to not keep the skirt for more than two weeks. She is a rambling gal and likes to be on the move.

SIDEBAR FYS BADGE

If you like, you can put the logo below (or in my sidebar) in your blog. The cartoon woman is modelled after Sarah.

SEE THE PHOTO GALLERY HERE.
(The gallery was on this post originally, but with 25+ women who have participated so far, a separate gallery was required.)

ABOUT THE SKIRT

The skirt is a slippery silky parachute-type fabric with an elastic and drawstring waist capable of accommodating many sizes. My addition to the skirt is below: acrylic paint, Vancouver badge, lovely squiggy sewing.

My journal sketches of the skirt: Jul. 16 and Aug. 5, 2012 ("atsui" means hot in Japanese). The animals hiding under the skirt are, importantly: a dog, a cat hanging by its claws, and a penguin.

I hope you will join this circus. 

B A C K G R O U N D

I bought this big lemon skirt on sale in July 2012. I wore it for the first time here. I wore it a couple more times in the summer and then did another post of it here as a purely inspirational piece.

What makes this skirt special is not only its vibrant colour but a particular comment about it which was very critical, excerpt: "you're looking unbelievably ugly in those clothes." I have to say that of all comments on Bag and a Beret, this one – which incidentally was written by a male friend (TT) - has had the most impact on me to date. In the midst of so many laudatory comments, here was one that directly questioned my style.

Until this criticism I admit that it was surreal writing and receiving so many superlatives and compliments on blog posts. Also, while I know that all the comments I receive (and write) are genuine (and seductive in their positivity), the absence of criticism was an elephant in the room. I couldn't help but wonder – isn't there more to it?

I believe that criticism can be useful, but this remark really made me think. And think... At first I was relieved and amused by it - but then hurt, angry, STOIC, so much drama! What I finally concluded is criticism IS meaningful - there must always be room for differing opinions - but in the context of my blog, where I am sharing my life/style adventures, I need safety for experimentation, which helps me grow stylistically through supportive remarks, enthusiasm, and gentle suggestions, and also grow new friendships. Much darkness breathes in the city around me, and I reason that surely, finally, I can afford to surrender fully to this online positivity that I have miraculously stumbled into. Private email still leaves plenty of room for critical engagement.

Would I publish this kind of criticism again? I really don't know, but TT shook me into an awakening, which was a good thing. It affirmed my style convictions, my blog intentions, and my respect for the blogging community, but it was also a reminder that I must continue to stretch and question myself, which I believe is part of what he was getting at. Also, the comment was definitely a case of "be careful what you wish for"! I regret that other comments on the post were derided by the remark, and I was very moved by fellow bloggers' swift and sure defence of me and their own opinions.

The travelling yellow skirt freak show represents the positivity and solidarity I discovered through what happened. Apparently Helga of Helga von Trollop had done a similar thing in the past with a quilted bag (which took an unknown detour), so this is not an original concept, but I do hope you embrace this skirt and what it means. Sarah was a genius to apply the idea to this skirt. I will feel incredibly happy knowing that the big bright yellow sail of a skirt is flying and flapping wildly around the world with its message:

Let's enjoy life!! 

Let's enjoy dressing up!!

It's just frickin' fabric!! (a really good piece though)

We surrender to the positivity!

Let's dance, baby!!

I look forward to seeing this skirt on any of my existing friends, and new friends, who want to join in!!!! (More gratuitous exclamations!!!) Aaaaagh!!!!! IS THAT ENOUGH POSITIVITY FOR YA?!

Bwa-hahaha!

VOGOFF Magazine by Miz Bagg

Letter from VOGOFF Editor in Chief, Miz Bagg:

Dahlings,
I know the universe hangs on my every blurt so I have decided to immortalize myself as Editor in Chief of this magazine, the highly prestigious, internationally-acclaimed, Pewlister Prize-winning VOGOFF (pronounced voggoff or vhog-off). Please reserve your applause until the end. (Come now, get ahold of yourselves. Have a little dignity and humility - like me.)

Of course I, Miz Bagg, am the queen of everything about beauty, fashion, makeup, grace, real good manners, and such-like, and I am an incredibly word-ly person, as you no doubt observed in my writing in my How-to Guide to Posing, Part 1 on 8-track cassette. (Thanks for your support. Of course you bought it.) So my beauty is not only gobsmacking - my intelligence and that stuff are also big gob-droppings of smartness.

This first issue features only photos of moi, Miz Bagg, of course, but I may allow the little people to contribute later on when I'm busy doing something way better. In this issue I am pleased to unveil to you the hottest thing since Yanni - the mashed potato fashion accessory specially designed by iqi (pronounced icky). Unless you've been living in Uranus, you'll know that kitchen tools are hot.

And who can help dancing uncontrollably when opening a container of yogurt or spraying air freshener or whipping out a duster or mopping the floor? Well, lucky you's - inside this issue are a few new dance steps you can try when cleaning and eating. They are perfect for tightening up those pesky fleshy pads on your hand between your thumb and index finger.

Plus, as a special feature: "Are we addicted to our uprights?" With a quiz! I too am not immune to the sight of a hard upright vacuum, all beastie thrumming with unkempt hair inside, which is only natural for a feminine creature such as mine self, but here I share with you not only my secrets for hiding these naughty little liaisons from your partner, but also ancient mystical monk moves for upping your upright's suction power by 73.5 percent. Therapists are on standby in case you fail the stupid quiz. You loser.

Miz Bagg caught in an unguarded moment following the upright shoot. Photo courtesy of Takenzeepiss 2012

Okay, I'm off now to consult with all those high-power smiling advertising people in New York to teach them a hot dance for their new and exciting anti-fungal soap. They keep begging and begging me to be in their global network ad campaigns (it's rather embarrassing) and I keep telling them to feck off, I'm far more valuable in my role as guru and goddess. Then I'm off to consult on ballerina costumes for some female products.

I know it's a an exciting life, but I, Miz Bagg, am the only one to lead it, as I shall and can. Tra-la-tra-la. Ooh, my upright needs attention.

Till the next unbelievably fabulous issue, hugs and kisses, but don't wreck my lipstick!!! (Oh, you fecking bi-otch)

Miz Bagg XOXOXO


(The Real Writer's Notes)
In the next issue, probably December: The Implications of Hot Flashes. Are peri/menopausal women with hot flashes responsible for global warming or is it bovine flatulence? What would happen if power companies could wire hot flashes into the Smart Grid. Would we have to call it the Smarter Grid?

___________________________________________________________________

The Real Real Writer's Notes

I watched part of the recent silent movie, The Artist, a few nights ago and another movie from 1932 last night in which the lead platinum blond delivered this great line: "I'm as exciting as an ironing board." On top of that, I had a little correspondence with Curtise from The Secondhand Years about kitchen utensils... So Miz Bagg was sequestered in a photo shoot last night not knowing what would result.

I'm so happy this "magazine" popped out. I had been mulling the idea for quite a while and suddenly there it was - my perfect inaugural cover. If any of you want to contribute a little piece to a future issue, maybe next month, let me know, ultra-Vogue on drugs with cool photos.

About the outfit

• black satin ball gown above, last worn here 
• bunch of jewellery I dug out of my box, including beads from the Pride Parade and a few pieces that someone had left in our garbage room for the taking - I'm such a discriminating shopper
• canary diamond ring from the local dollar store. 

I haven't been commenting much but I have been lurking. Sometimes I have to pull back to keep the fun and spontaneity alive. I think you know what I mean...

I hope you're all having a FANTASTIC week.

EDIT:
Issue 2
Issue 3
Issue 4

One skirt four way-out ways

I had just polished off a tin of Helga von Trollop's wonderful Arsebiscuits (which she is about to licence to the Girl Guides) when I had an epiphany. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I haven't been able to paint big lately, so I decided to channel that spectrum of energy into Abstract Expressionist Styling. I immediately called Miz Bagg (who always assists with comedy and critique) to join in this gorgefest of colour, form, and texture.

Questions

How far-out can I stretch a central piece stylistically with limited other pieces?

What defines the limits of what we would wear in public?

Materials

Ground: neon lemon maxi skirt, aka the Circus Skirt (worn several times in the summer, posted here)

Main palette: thrifted ballerina dress, thrifted black sequin tank top, thrifted black 3/4 sleeve top, black tights, lilac platform shoes

Accents: patterned keyhole stretch top with suspenders, thrifted hot pink peignoir, and black and white cloth belt

Below are some of my favourite Miz Bagg stylings from this session. I also took some "normal" stylings during the session, which I'll post before this skirt flies off around the world.

Look 1: Marie Antoinette (or "Oh Please Let Me Eat Cake")

I'm either beseeching the universe to rain cake down upon me or pausing mid-step at a Tim Burton ball for Louis XVI.

Look 2: Lemon Meringue Wood Elf (or "I am not a Conehead")

Inspired by Judith at Style Crone, I wound the skirt around my towering red hat. The end result was very tipsy; I should have used my belt to secure it. 

Look 3: Ace of Lemon Spades (or "Don't Ask me to Walk")

This piece comes with a skateboard with a rope attached for towing purposes in case I actually have to move. Too bad the belt tied around my knees was not elasticized. I love the balloon effect of the skirt cinched under the tutu. Veeery tricky snapping this photo using a timer walking in baby steps.

Look 4: Triple Sudden Impact (or Miz Air-Bagg)

This look features three attractive air bags formed by pouching the skirt through the armholes and keyhole of this top worn as a skirt and secured with suspenders. It's an attractive silhouette, don't you think?

Conclusions

This exercise was not an adequate painting substitute, but it will do for now. "There is no such thing as mistakes" was my mantra  - just as it is in painting, which is what made the shoot so enjoyable. While it would be easy to see these outfits as costumes or fashion designs, these works sprang from the neon lemon skirt, not from the need to clothe a scripted character or sell a clothing brand. I also think there is much more I could have done here. 

I would not wear any of these outfits as everyday wear. Why not? How do we instinctively know what's "too far"? I know that the boundaries of my "too far" have certainly shifted in recent years and the "too fars" of other bloggers vary wildly. I think there's more to it than just being comfortable in something because I felt comfortable in these outfits, although I probably wouldn't feel the same without the mask of bow lips and rouge and the context of experimentation which gave me permission to dress like this. Another question: What is it about "too far" clothing that some people find so upsetting on the sidewalk but perfectly palatable in a magazine?

Intellectually, I think that individual styling is a small political act, the assertion of an independent will that may not necessarily embrace prevailing trends in politics, fashion, or art. I love the fact that if I wanted, theoretically I COULD wear these ensembles out for coffee, but for me they are still "too far".

What do YOU think?

It's been a frantic week of big words and bad sound so I haven't been able to comment much. I have squeezed in peeks when I could and sometimes scribbled a few words. 

Also, thanks to my new followers for joining!!

Pyjama party greetings from the Arctic Circle!

ARCTIC CIRCLE (AP) - Miz Bagg has kindly agreed to attend fabulous Terri's Pyjama Party over at Rags Against the Machine, on behalf of Melanie, even though she is still currently in the Arctic on a photo shoot for the 2038 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar, modelling bikinis specially designed by world-famous designer "iqi" (pronounced "icky").

Miz Bagg had this to say:

Greetings, kittens! I am having a fab, fab, fab time here in the Arctic Circle. As you can see, I have had a personal bedroom gazebo constructed for me on the ice flows, which affords me a fab, fab, fab view of the seals, polar bears, walri, and sundry other wildlife (including yum-yum cabana boys!!!). I raise a glass to my fellow party-goers and hope you all have a delicious time with temptress Terri!!!!! Be naughty! How about a game of truth or dare? I remember the fun I had with Prince ---, but I oughtn't... And then there was Count ---, ooo, that was fun. And how about... Oh dear. Here comes a white-rumped sandpiper. I must get my camera. Ciao, darlings! See you in the Everglades!

(My secret recipe courtesy of Marquis ---)
Miz Bagg's Caviar Popcorn

• one bag of microwaveable popcorn
• one pound of butter
• ten jars of caviar

Get your manservant to pop the popcorn in the microwave, add the butter, and then stir in the caviar. Yum! Slather the leftovers all over your face and let set for the night for a fab, fab, fab facial!!