VOGOFF LOCKDOWN 2020 Magazine

It's here. The new VOGOFF.

LOCKDOWN Edition 2020

122 pages FREE!

SOLD OUT!!

My friend says: 

"It's like Vogue had a baby with Monty Python"

VOGOFF is 122 pages of the whimsy, wit, and weirdness of women of a certain age living under lockdown. Art, photos, articles - so much stuff and nonsense. 

Launched in 2012, VOGOFF is renowned for its highest standards of baselessness among discerning immature people (40+). 

LAUGH! - the Mayo Clinic says it's good for you.

Below is the pdf. <<Sorry, this is no longer available>>

----------------------------------------------------------------

Special thanks to Sarah @farkingdelightful on Instagram for the work she did helping me get this together and to Shelley, Forest City Fashionista @fcfashionista, for her ongoing support of VOGOFF. And thanks to everyone who joined this time. You guys are awesome!

<<SORRY, SOLD OUT!!>>

Now you can also purchase a PRINT VERSION of this issue from the publisher, Blurb, who will ship it to you direct. It's $27.99 (Cdn) or about $21 US, plus shipping. This is the publisher's fee plus $1 for me to help with the next issue. I chose the best paper and cover so it feels deeeeluxe. Hahaha. 

Royal classy fresher knows how to travel

Several looks, several realities.

LOOK 1

I am gaggingly high class, as you know. For a little je ne sais quoi, I casually toss around foreign words like I know what I'm saying. I don't laugh; I nod imperceptibly, careful not to disturb my limbs. In fact, nothing is funny; everything is oh so dull and droll. Eye roll.

I speak softly, like a firefly - flit flit flit - no stranger to multi-syllabic words either, not I. Sometimes I even use a rich raspy "fry" voice (see what it is here). My face is of course a portrait of serenity and super-mega-awesome enlightenment. No wonder poise is my middle name. And elegance, too. Mel Poise Elegance Kobayashi, MPEK, not to be confused with MPEG for transmitting compressed audio and visuals, although sometimes I am compressed as well.

Sigh.

My clothes are draped over pillowy silk hangers in a closet the size of a suburban garage with room for four Ram-tough pickup trucks. My home is Frank Lloyd Wright original-ish and a creek gurgles down the middle of my living room for ambiance and sophisticated meditation. That's classy.

There's a little gong beside me too, which I've trained my dachshund to hit with her nose to chakratize my namastes, and so I don't have to reach for the mallet myself - so crass. I made her a special metal nose cone so it works right. And I sip stringy green drinks, which usually end up in the creek, which is great because it looks like algae.

Above, I gaze into a brilliant future of sophistication and expensive sun chairs.

O took these photos on Granville Island. I'm wearing the grey sweater-dress and maxi boiled wool cardigan jacket from my Talize shopping video. The tights were a gift from Zohara.


LOOK 2

I'm so excited about my new school! I've got my uniform, my pack, and my pencil crayons, freshly sharpened. My DIY monster truck tuxedo shirt shows just the right mix of I'll-kiss-your-ass-if-you-kiss-mine relationship I hope to cultivate with faculty and my peers. I am confident it will be a good first day - I have brought a gift for the teacher. Nothing says "accept me" more than gifts and wads of cash.

Wait, what? What do you mean detention?! Are you out of your mind? Seriously, who wants apples when you can have an appletini?!!

What? Suspension?! Expulsion?!! Hahaha! Excellent. So meet me in the parking lot for some seriously delinquent chocolate brownies. And I didn't want a wing named after me anyway!! Wings are for birds, pantiliners, and planes, pfft.

LOOK 3

Waiting for my magic carpet. It's late. Again.

I may need to go by foot passenger - I always manage to buy the only tickets. Sadly, this mode of transport is getting slower, more expensive, and more uncomfortable by the year. Although boarding is usually easier now with lower platforms, there may be a foul odour when I disembark.

The on-board entertainment sucks, especially when I'm humming, there is usually no food, unless you count cough drops, and they ask annoying security questions like, are you bringing any dangerous goods on board? Well, I do have a wicked side eye. Does that count?

Plus, they always check for extra weight - cheeky!! - and want to know if I have anything to declare. You bet I do, but it's not fit for print!

The robe and scarf are from a good friend. This is their first outing. The earrings were heavy so I wasn't able to do much jumping. I hate when that happens. It's like, jump, ow, jump, ow, jump, ow.


LOOK 4

Full circle. My royal subjects. If I were queen, this would be my portrait.

Look who came to town! It's Sheila of blog Sheila Ephemera! And L, too, but to see them in full splendour, you'll have to go to her big-ass weekend roundup about their annual trip to Vancouver to celebrate their wedding anniversary, their 22nd this time. Woo hoo! Congratulations! I'm always thrilled to be included in their plans.

We put in some time at the Telus building, where we were serenaded with rock tunes played on a Fazioli grand piano. Very cool. Then we had brunch at Medina before I had to head out.

L took both these photos.

These two are always knockouts. People get googly-eyed over them wherever they go. As for me, I'm wearing a velveteeny '70s suit that Suzanne gave me with my fave ruffled blouse and my neon orange men's XXL coat on top. Again, see Sheila's blog for more photos.

That's all for now. There's been lots going on here. I can't wait for my next several posts. You guys are the best!! Thanks so much for dropping by. Appletinis for everyone! And brownies! Send me cash and I'll name a wing after you. Hahaha! I hope you are enjoying your season change.

So when it's time I'll be linking to Patti at Not Dead Yet Style and her Visible Monday and Catherine at Not Dressed as Lamb for #iwillwearwhatilike. See you there maybe?

Cheers.

Finding myself through unlearning

I did it. I did something huuuuge. I gave a talk about my style to the Vancouver Guild of Fabric Arts. Deb, the head of their programming, invited me several months ago. I ignored the impending date for quite a while, but then SUDDENLY, out of the blue, it was just over a week away. GAAA! Like I always do, I freaked out like a true professional.

This talk was the first time I've done public speaking since I gave my talk called "Unlearning How to Paint" a few years ago. This was more like Unlearning How to Dress or Unlearning the Style Rules. I seem to be wasting a lot of time learning then unlearning things.

I had to hike the pant legs to show off these over-the-knee boots I'm crazy for.
I had to wear them again before/if it ever gets warm.

The talk was called Confessions of a Closet Diva and it featured several costume changes. I went into it dressed a bit like a sausage, piling on layers of outfits under my oversized drop-crotch jeans and an oversized blouse like someone who'd exceeded their luggage allowance at the airport and had to wear the excess.

Bit by bit I revealed the next layers, while Vancouver Barbara, who is also a member of the Guild, held a sheet in front of me as my lovely assistant. Judy, another member of the Guild whom I've featured on my street style blog, kindly provided impromptu game-show vocal stylings during these interludes. Let me just say - the audience was STELLAR!! Simply STELLAR!! I couldn't have hoped for a more safe and encouraging environment.

So there I was, stripping down in front of a room full of strangers, pretty much, just like those dreams you have where you're naked in public. In my case, the dream came true. Too bad we can't pick and choose which dreams we have come true and when. Heh.

Did I tell you I was asked a while ago to be in StyleLikeU's What's Underneath project, the one where you strip down to your undies in front of a camera while you're being questioned about your life by someone off screen? The sessions often end in tears. It would have been excellent exposure (heh) with hundreds of thousands if not millions of viewers, but, while I was truly honoured to be asked, I declined. Definitely, it could have been another dream come true though.

That's all I'll say about the talk (and stripping), except that the feedback I've received from the presentation so far has been extremely encouraging, with even suggestions that it was more like performance art and would maybe work for the Fringe Festival, which is like an off-off-Broadway-by-several-thousand-miles theatre festival of fringy works. I love fringe! And dingle balls too! That would be awesome. Of course my reaction presupposes that comparing my talk to performance art is a good thing. Heh.

So my mind is turning, turning. Every time I scare myself by doing a new thing, my mind starts hurtling into new territory. I'm afraid of what I'll want to unlearn next.

You may note the wrinkles around the crotchal area, rather accordion-looking. That particular instrument doesn't exactly evoke the genre or rhapsody one would prefer in that area.

And this last photo, I'll explain. As a member of the media, on May 13 I attended a big fundraiser event for Positive Living BC, which assists people who are HIV positive. There were about 100 actors/models in the show, including, happily, two of the people I styled with Su Bennett for the fashion show of My Sister's Closet's parent organization, Battered Women's Shelter Society, a couple of years ago (here): Stella Panagiotidis (IG here) and Marc Swiednicki. They were outstanding.

I arrived at the venue during cocktail hour at 7 p.m. and didn't leave until the show was over around 11:30. It was a long evening but bursting with talent, generosity, and caring. While I was walking home, I ran across this man whom I'd seen inside earlier. He was waiting for a taxi to take him home. This photo I took of him standing there without his shoes on sums up the whole evening, along with the exhaustion of accomplishment. Unfortunately, I didn't get his name.

I posted on the event on my street style culture blog, Culture Serf. You can see it here.

That's it for this week, sweet chickens.

No blog post these days is complete without linking up with Patti at Not Dead Yet Style and her Visible Monday, and Catherine at Not Dressed as Lamb and her #iwillwearwhatilike. I'll probably see you there.

Have you done anything scary lately? Like drink expired milk? Walk when the hand is flashing? Do tell. I usually respond to comments but I'm later (than usual) this time.

Love-hate photos. What is perfection anyway?

I think, if only I could only get that one perfect photo, I'd never have to take another one. The same goes for thrifting and the perfect outfit. Hahaha, there's as much chance of that happening as me becoming a bikini-clad camel jockey in Qatar. Complicating matters is that my "Stunning!" today often turns into "Vile!" tomorrow, and vice versa.

Photos are static and I am not, so the wild swings are normal-ish. In the end, even knowing the impossible odds of nailing perfection, the pursuit keeps me going; I'll never give up. The alternative is ghastly! Maybe I should buy a bikini just in case. Heh.

These look like mug shots. Yes, they border on criminal, but sometimes I like that.

Below are photos you haven't seen, that were loathed or loved or simply bumped in favour of shots I thought I liked more. Unlike most of my photos, I was lucky to have these taken by friends.

_______________________________________________________________

Shelley took this first specimen during a hilarious shoot together when she visited Vancouver last May. I look like a creature. That's why I love it now; that's why I didn't before. 

Here, I've cropped the original, pumped the levels, and added sharpening to make the photo pop. One of the shots I took of Shelley ended up with well over a million views(!) on the blog "Warning: Curves Ahead," under the title, "24 Things Women over 30 Should Wear (whatever the f*ck they want)," here. Cool, right? 

Creature from the Plasma Lagoon. Hungry for flies. Silk blouse from Thorne Garnet.

Then in January, I needed some high-res photos for a magazine PDQ!! A magazine?!! Freak-out time - especially since about a year's worth of my photos were zapped in the Big Crash of 2015 (hard drive). I grabbed the Bat Phone: "Sandra, HEEEELP!!" Luckily, she was able to step in as my photographer. I stuffed a few outfits into garbage bags and we hit the streets running, just like old times when we style parkoured Snakes and Ladders-style around town.

We got this photo at the Four Seasons Hotel, which we love for its elegant decor, napping potential, fine restrooms, and fantastic bar/restaurant Yew, where we often decamp for debriefing like true professionals. The trouble is the relatively dim lighting, which requires photographic CPR. (FYI, I never alter my face, body or clothing.)

Too much posing! I am all tuckered out. Do you think there's room to stretch out on the couch?

I'll call this next photo, "Woman in Fabric." It's almost exactly as it was taken, no farking, and it's loooovely. So why don't I love it? Sheesh, who wants relaxed and happy when you're wearing an Avengers uniform?! If I switched this jumpsuit for jeans, would you even notice? Entirely unacceptable.

The groove factor of a vintage, low-slung belted, siren-red one-piece demands a life of danger, evil headquarters in volcanoes, smudged lipstick on snifters, hovercrafts, the gait of a prowling panther, maybe a pink one. Do you see any of that here? Nunh. This is a bit better.

My face says: Let's go have a picnic in a meadow. My head says: Stop, hand over the secret formula! 

I love this next one: "Next Season's Hottest 'It' Bags." Hahaha. The loud clash of the suit with the garbage bags and the monster truck on my formal farked tux shirt led to this low-watt lightbulb moment. Would the magazine like it? Hahaha. But it fit well in our don't-give-a-feck plan.

Taking photos of grand architecture like this - Sandra did a stellar job of framing - is almost impossible with a tripod on a fairly busy block when you need space between the camera and subject. Sandra, on the other hand, expertly dodged and ducked passersby. And her feedback helped immeasurably; all day we exchanged very productive dialogue: "Hahaha." "Hahaha."

The season's hottest "it" bags put those cheesy expanding handbag infomercials to shame. 

Another Four Seasons photo, farked within an inch of its life - "We have a pulse!" My upcycled outfit is somewhat hectic and the colours/patterns in this setting are a settling la-ti-da complement. In terms of photo farking, I chose a relatively flat effect to enhance the abstraction. If we had proper lighting, I could have achieved this look with less finagling and grain. But I like it like this - would the magazine? Yes, VOGOFF would love it.

Another one that wasn't a contender. But check out those golden arches!

Below, testing the camera settings. This is another magnificent downtown doorway, the Marine Building, with me standing in the way. See all the little marine creatures in the decorative metalwork? Clearly, we started the day off on the right foot. We also switched camera duties once in a while so Sandra could build up her photo stash too. Her Instagram is here.

On my way to fire up another meeting of the Executive Boreds 

And I can't close without including a photo of Sandra. I love this photo and I love what she was wearing too: a kilty skirt thing, inside-out tux jacket, and designer over-the-knee boots. She scouted out this pedestal as a location. So perfect. Dressing the part of a high-fashion art photographer, she was treated as one by everyone who crossed our path.

Ironically, in the end the magazine didn't even choose any of our mad dash-about day photos. !!! They (Marie Claire Brazil) went with one of my old tripod ones, here, which by chance I still had in high-res, squirreled away on cloud storage, safe from the Big Crash.

It's funny but the Crash was really no big deal - who thinks they'll ever need their old blog photos again, right? Gaaaa! But I try now to take original photos in higher res and back up everything regularly for these just-in-case, freak-out situations, although a mad dash-about is always worth a good debriefing afterwards. Hiccup.

I'll link something here up with Patti at Not Dead Yet Style and her famous "Visible Monday," and Catherine at Not Dressed as Lamb and her #iwillwearwhatilike linkup. She's still basking in (and recovering from) her big win. Excellent!!

Our spring has half-sprung. Kind of. I hope you are all 

doing what you do best and loving it!!! xoxo

Hickory dickory schlock and the crooked hat

THE CROOKED HAT

This is for Judith's Hat Attack 31 linkup at Style Crone, my crooked hat. 

There was a cooked hat perched on a crooked head, 

It stopped the crooked rain with its lime and crooked reds, 

It shielded crooked eyes from crooked evil sights  

And when it got back home it cried, "Take me to New York!"

HICKORY DICKORY SCHLOCK

Hickory Dictory Schlock

Your mouse hued up her frock

The image froze

And wrecked my pose

Hickory Dickory Schlock

I'd been fermenting his mouseover idea for at least 24 hours, and although this resultant draft is not yet 100 proof, it's palatable with drunken overtones of Ghost/Muppet/Meanie and bits of pickle - anything to take the edge off and quench my self-defecating sense of humour. Moving right along...

Note: If you roll your mouse - or whatever else you use - across the above photo, the image should change, hence "mouseover," also known as "rollover." If it doesn't work, clearly you need to upgrade to an older device or drink more of my special brew.

I dressed to match my hair - too lazy to push the hair dryer ON switch. And too lazy to change for my morning walk - this is what I often wear at home.

After I saw my photos, I quickly realized I look exactly like Turnip Head, so I put her in there too. She is also a happy nursery-rhymie yet cynical creature.

I'm wearing a ghastly oversized men's shirt, thrifted, purchased when I was delusional thinking I would upcycle it. Pfff. It's so stiff it makes a crinkling sound. Soft cotton patchwork drawstring pants, oversized long-sleeve orange T-shirt, and reading glasses over my regular glasses with clip-on shades. Holy hot harridan!

And, just when you thought you'd made it to the end of the post, no!! Another few seconds of creepy vexation.

THE BIG FINISH

I made this tiny video message at the end of December. I wasn't going to show you, but why not? I suppose this is to celebrate Chinese New Year, February 8, heh. She is scary cool.

I've found a new favourite British sitcom on Netflix, Black Books, which ran from 2000 to 2004. I use it to de/retox at the end of my work-filled days and get trippy dreams. Watch it! Well, if you want to.

I'm of course linking to Patti at Visible Monday, Not Dead Yet Style, and
Catherine at #iwillwearwhatilike, Not Dressed as Lamb, and
Anne at 52 Pick-me-up: Ink Blue at SpyGirl.
Including Judith's Hat Attack, there nothing like hitting FOUR big parties on Monday morning to kick off the week. I hope I see you there. I'll be the one staggering into the bushes.

My silent movie

Where's my classic Rolls Royce? I feel like a '20s film star in this get-up. Well, it's not actually a get-up; it's a get-it-on, get-down, get-with-it, get-goin', gettin'-real kind of outfit, not a costume, even though everything we put on lends us character. 

Fashion rule: It is perilous to wear a large magnifying glass pendant on a sunny day because
it may burn a hole in one's torso, which is never an attractive fashion statement. With winter sun I stayed intact.

If I were a Hollywood star, in this outfit I'd definitely have been photographed in, say, New York, as I'm dressed far too warmly for Beverly Hills. I'm wearing my thrifted midi length made-in-France wool knit turtleneck dress, which features a hood and gold lurex thread decorative seaming, and my impossibly amazing faux fur maxi coat, which I bought on consignment. If I was really a star, those yellow diamonds wouldn't be from a thrift pile in East Vancouver either.

My imaginary agent, director, manager, and publicist would probably all be screaming at me that I'm getting a bit long in tooth for my imaginary profession, in which case I'd have to tell them to feck off and then build my own studio empire and distribution network where all female actors, whose falling "fuckability" quotients (from ruling misogynist eyes) have kicked them out of the system, will find a new lucrative home. Woe betide those who underestimate women's power of the grey - that's something real.

I have no script; I'm better when I improvise. Or maybe I just haven't stumbled across the right script yet. Clearly, not having a script at all doesn't give me much chance of finding a good or a bad one. Nunh. But one outfit certainly brings up lots of ideas and dreams which I scrawl down here maybe a day or hours before I post.

And...

MY SILENT MOVIE: 

BAG AND A BERET CHECKS HER BLOG READING LIST

I have made a little Silent Movie that shows me reading the blogs I follow, which I had been thinking about for a while. Sooo much ended up on the cutting room floor. Heheheh. I just wish it wasn't such a pain to remove the makeup. I hope you enjoy this.

No ears or fingers were harmed in the making of my video. And don't worry - I used an old computer. I use a big trough, designed for animals long in tooth, while I'm browsing on my regular machine. Below is a still taken from the video with shadow added around the edges. It fits my mood. 

With this windswept-style hair I often feel like I'm in a commercial selling high-end stereo equipment. Very empowering, but who buys stereos any more? Which consumer products do you feel like you're selling with your hair style?

That's all from here. I'll link something up with Patti at Not Dead Yet Style for Visible Monday and with Catherine at Not Dressed at Lamb for #iwillwearwhatilike when they go live. These linkups are great motivators for me to organize myself at least once a week. Thank you, Patti and Catherine!

Chipmunk Blogger Country-Western Blues

"Ooo-eee! You hair smells like stinky socks!" That's a phrase you don't want to hear, which is why, when I was stuffing the crown of this wig, I used clean knee socks, not soggy or crunchy ones. If I don't put them in there, this beehive hair hat falls smack in my face, which could be useful on a bad face day, but not on a day I'm wearing false eyelashes.

I dressed this morning clutching that free pass that comes with Halloween, the thought that I can wear whatever the feck I want, not that I don't usually, but I felt greater safety pushing my boundaries, which for me included wearing this fabulous beehive wig. 

Surveying the results, I decided I was Serena, a guest character on the American TV series Bewitched from the '60s/'70s. She was the dark-haired fun-loving witch cousin of the show's star, Samantha, the suburban blonde witch married to a bungling ad executive. 

Except for the wig and the heavy-handed makeup, this look is not terribly out of the ordinary. Check out the wig's pointy splendour in the photo below. Don't you just swoon for it? One part hair, one part sock. One of the best compliments I got from a stranger today was, "Wow, you look awesome, but your costume is bordering normal." 

This Serena look would have fit well with my new country and western music video but I went with my fall-back: sequins and earrings. A really, really stupid song about blogging that I made up lodged in my head and I needed to purge it fast so I spit it up in a little video. 

I had grandiose plans, shooting here, shooting there, close-ups, far-outs, and, as a result, I preemptively exhausted myself. So I present this modest ditty, 41sec. Hats off to people with real musical talent!

THE LAST LINE IS TOTALLY THE BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE. I'm very proud of that. 

*** Chipmunk Blogger *** 

 *** Country & Western Blues ***

And more gratuitous shots of Serena. How could I not include them? I had too much fun wearing this. 

The full ensemble above. Jeez, I look normal there. Who knew those dials and knobs on my camera were not just decorative. Yes, I tried a new setting at ISO eleventy-eleven, but I don't like the grainy quality. I guess I'll have to fark around with that stuff some more.

And that's a selfie I took at the coffee shop with my standard camera setting. Double glasses again: sunglasses in my hair and reading glasses on my face for journaling. See the cute doggie print on the scarf? Click for bigger.

That's all. I'm linking this post up to:

• Patti's VISIBLE MONDAY at Not Dead Yet Style;
• Catherine's #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb;
• Judith's monthly Hat Attack at Style Crone;
• Anne's 52 Pick-me-up: Sunflower/Joy at SpyGirl. I have the joy part covered for sure, and there are spots of sunflower in my scarf. 

Thank you for all these parties, you wild women! I'm bringing my Halloween candy. Get ready for a sugar high.

Most Joyful Nature Woman in a hot pink gown

How many more opportunities would I have to fark around the park in this stellar gown before it gets too cold? So I seized the day to create a fairy tale of sorts, wearing hot pink instead of red.

For a romantic reading of this photo, my dress is caught on brambles, not a stick, the sprayer is a lantern, and that's an enchanted forest, not Stanley Park, Vancouver.

I was afraid a ranger or a Mountie - not quite a prince but still on horseback - would find me and arrest me for spraying bug killer in a public park. It was in fact water, but even watering is prohibited with restrictions still in place from the drought. For art, I risked it. 

I made a short video, about 40sec, of me communing joyfully with nature. It's called:

MOST JOYFUL NATURE WOMAN

As I romped through the woods laughing and jumping and skipping, I noticed a canopy of little spiders swinging lazily mid-air on invisible threads, watching me, itching to nest in my hair. A squirrel came to watch as well. 

Hikers on the nature trail nearby would have cocked their heads in amazed wonder upon hearing the rare cry of a-hahaha-ha, accompanied by flashes of hot pink plumage. I could almost hear the flurrious flipping of pages in their guides to rare birds. 

This special old dress is past her prime for forest frolics, at least with Miu Miu heels, but she was still a star, despite the teensiest rrrip sounds every few minutes (even more alarming than the spiders), and my boots kept getting caught in the hem as I clumsily negotiated stumps and roots on a forest floor slippery with damp pine needles. Gentle tending is required. I shall happily do it.

Below, getting serious. This is how all big-time movie directors look. Gaffer! Where's my gaffer!? More importantly, where's my fecking spider wrangler!!

After the shoot, I wore this dress out for my morning coffee, as originally planned. I've posted this gown previously, here; she billows with playful elegance and a sibilant swish. My Miu Miu boots keep her grounded - too grounded it turned out. Everything I'm wearing is thrifted or a gift. 

Feeling quite pleased with my impromptu escapade on this crisp summer day, I drew a couple of Turnip Heads to celebrate whilst nursing my splendid Italian roast. 

No animals were harmed in the making of this video, except my pride. If you had a chance to watch, I hope you liked it as much as I had fun making it. I love the process; I love the resulting evidence.

I'm linking this up to Patti's Visible Monday at Not Dead Yet Style when it goes live on Sunday. She's baaaack! Hurrah!! I look forward to seeing you all there again.

And I'll link to Catherine's new #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb when it goes live Monday because by chance I am also wearing sheer, her prompt for the week. Thanks, Catherine!

I woke up this morning (next day) with hair that looked like Einstein dressed like a Bay City Roller for Halloween. It's a look - yeah, look away. Okay, bye. Have a great weekend, everyone!!