Warning: content might use language.
266. That's my magic number.
My number of Followers (on Google). Do I care?
Me? Moi? Fer-krissakes.
It's just a number. Ho hum. Big yawn, bigger, biggest.
We all know it's not how MANY followers you have, it's
the QUALITY.
OMG OMG OMG, I have no fecking followers!
OMG OMG OMG, I have so many followers I can't keep up!
OMG WTF LOL. Is that even language?
Some mornings I wake up with "A Plan." I
know exactly what I need to do to Get. More. Followers. which will miraculously
make me Good. Better. Best!!!
I'll put on something sheek, probably only one layer
even, go outside, find a blurry background (I may need a few drinks first), then
have a real person take photos with a heavy camera. Ba-bye garbage room
atelier!! Ba-bye concrete box studio!! Ba-bye cardboard box studio!! (here) Hello
Hollywood. Mmm, baby, yea-aah! Atlantic Pacific*? Heck no! It's Arctic Ocean
Antarctic Ocean…
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| My No-No List says nothing about hot pants, specifically thrifted Moschino wool/cashmere blend hot pants, sample. I had to fark this photo to get a blurry background. |
I won't spell words rong, and I'll schtop writing with
a stupid slobbery grin on my face, and crumbs stuck all over. I'll grit my
teeth, look serious with undertones of sexy, playful magic, and then pay
someone accredited to shove bacterial toxin botulin around my eyes and my mouth
to counteract the effort. Now we're talking!
"Get More Followers" Photo Guidelines for
Old Women (me)
Absolute No-No's
- Eyebrow wiggling or any asymmetrical brow pose
- Weird lip positions, i.e., smirks, fish-lips, tight lips
- Vulgar displays of teeth (teeth are cutlery for goodness sake!)
- Bulging eyes in fake surprise/fear/innocence/loathing
- Garish emotionalism, genuine or feigned
- Shaggy clothing (only young people in the UK "shag")
- Bright colors below the waist (and only in moderation in the torso and head areas)
- Platform footwear and hosiery with holes, unintentional or deliberate
- Underwear/nightwear/support gear worn on the outside
- Jewellery larger than a small marble, unless real diamonds
- Ill-fitting/ripped up/scribbled on/wrecked attire
- Sparkles, spangles, pailettes, dingleballs
- Visible or loud cosmetics
I have been guilty of all of the above, although I
have not shagged in the UK, even when young, nor worn real diamonds larger than
a small marble. Follower Failure case in point below. Outfit a couple of days ago.
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| No-No's: bulging eyes, shaggy clothing bits, too many intense colours in the torso and head areas, visible lipstick. New thrifted muppet vest. Linking this to Rosy and Mis Papelicos Share-in-Style: Plaid. Almost missed it. |
As I was saying, I'll not only LOOK serious but I'll try thinking
before I write too. There's a novel thought. Yeaah! And I'll prepare my posts
more than one hour in advance. YESH! YES! In fact, I'll plan my posts DAYS in
advance, nay, one WEEK in advance on a, I can't believe I'm writing this, on a
SCHEDULE! I'll distill my intellectual erections into sweet non-caloric fashion
bites of grey and beige and navy. YES! I'm on a roll!!! (oooh, roll reminds me,
where are those leftover bun thingies?) I'm gasping in anticipation. (bun, bun,
bun)
Of course, I'll get advertisers and make piles and
piles of moolah. Every click to the sewless needle, hair vibrator, ethical lipo
village will yield me riches. RICHES!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA…
I'm tired now. I need to take a nap. Where's that bun?
Where's my fecking uni-layer? Oh, feck that.
To all youse 266, mwah, mwah, mwah!!! I can't believe
you have signed up for this abuse and you don't even get PAID! I have more grey
hair now than before I started blogging in Jan. 2012. What does that mean??!!
If you've managed to read this far, have you ever wished
you could turn off the numbers?
*blog of young style goddess, ho-hum
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| For Sheila of Ephemera Shoe Shine 20, thrifted converse runners I scribbled on, a Big No-No!! |
