How to get more Followers

Warning: content might use language.

266. That's my magic number. 

My number of Followers (on Google). Do I care?

Me? Moi? Fer-krissakes. It's just a number. Ho hum. Big yawn, bigger, biggest.

We all know it's not how MANY followers you have, it's the QUALITY.

OMG OMG OMG, I have no fecking followers!

OMG OMG OMG, I have so many followers I can't keep up!

OMG WTF LOL. Is that even language?

Some mornings I wake up with "A Plan." I know exactly what I need to do to Get. More. Followers. which will miraculously make me Good. Better. Best!!!

I'll put on something sheek, probably only one layer even, go outside, find a blurry background (I may need a few drinks first), then have a real person take photos with a heavy camera. Ba-bye garbage room atelier!! Ba-bye concrete box studio!! Ba-bye cardboard box studio!! (here) Hello Hollywood. Mmm, baby, yea-aah! Atlantic Pacific*? Heck no! It's Arctic Ocean Antarctic Ocean…

My No-No List says nothing about hot pants, specifically thrifted Moschino wool/cashmere blend hot pants, sample.
I had to fark this photo to get a blurry background. 

I won't spell words rong, and I'll schtop writing with a stupid slobbery grin on my face, and crumbs stuck all over. I'll grit my teeth, look serious with undertones of sexy, playful magic, and then pay someone accredited to shove bacterial toxin botulin around my eyes and my mouth to counteract the effort. Now we're talking!

"Get More Followers" Photo Guidelines for Old Women (me)

Absolute No-No's

1. Eyebrow wiggling or any asymmetrical brow pose
2. Weird lip positions, i.e., smirks, fish-lips, tight lips
3. Vulgar displays of teeth (teeth are cutlery for goodness sake!)
4. Bulging eyes in fake surprise/fear/innocence/loathing
5. Garish emotionalism, genuine or feigned
6. Shaggy clothing (only young people in the UK "shag")
7. Bright colors below the waist (and only in moderation in the torso and head areas)
8. Platform footwear and hosiery with holes, unintentional or deliberate
9. Underwear/nightwear/support gear worn on the outside
10. Jewellery larger than a small marble, unless real diamonds
11. Ill-fitting/ripped up/scribbled on/wrecked attire
12. Sparkles, spangles, pailettes, dingleballs
13. Visible or loud cosmetics

I have been guilty of all of the above, although I have not shagged in the UK, even when young, nor worn real diamonds larger than a small marble. Follower Failure case in point below. Outfit a couple of days ago.

No-No's: bulging eyes, shaggy clothing bits, too many intense colours in the torso and head areas, visible lipstick.
New thrifted muppet vest. Linking this to Rosy and Mis Papelicos Share-in-Style: Plaid. Almost missed it.

As I was saying, I'll not only LOOK serious but I'll try thinking before I write too. There's a novel thought. Yeaah! And I'll prepare my posts more than one hour in advance. YESH! YES! In fact, I'll plan my posts DAYS in advance, nay, one WEEK in advance on a, I can't believe I'm writing this, on a SCHEDULE! I'll distill my intellectual erections into sweet non-caloric fashion bites of grey and beige and navy. YES! I'm on a roll!!! (oooh, roll reminds me, where are those leftover bun thingies?) I'm gasping in anticipation. (bun, bun, bun)

Of course, I'll get advertisers and make piles and piles of moolah. Every click to the sewless needle, hair vibrator, ethical lipo village will yield me riches. RICHES!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA…

I'm tired now. I need to take a nap. Where's that bun? Where's my fecking uni-layer? Oh, feck that.

To all youse 266, mwah, mwah, mwah!!! I can't believe you have signed up for this abuse and you don't even get PAID! I have more grey hair now than before I started blogging in Jan. 2012. What does that mean??!!

If you've managed to read this far, have you ever wished you could turn off the numbers?

*blog of young style goddess, ho-hum

For Sheila of Ephemera Shoe Shine 20, thrifted converse runners I scribbled on, a Big No-No!!

Yellow Skirt Freak Show Update!! and more...

She has LANDED in London, Ontario that is, the

Travelling Yellow Skirt Freak SHOW,

where she was gently coaxed from

SHY LARVA to brilliant b u t t e r f l y 

by THIS WOMAN:

S H E L L E Y of  

Forest City Fashionista,

(aka the latest VOGOFF cover girl).

Go! GO NOW!!

 Feast your eyes!

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In other news:

You may know that Tamera, the Menopausal Supermodel, has hosted a Black & White Party in support of people living with chronic illnesses and conditions. Below is my contribution to her fantastic awareness campaign, my black tunic with black jeggings, black flats, and my black and white hat. Oh so demure.

I look forward to seeing what everyone else who participated wore!
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But this weekend, I wasn't only wearing black and white...
I was the Thrifted Creature from Paillette Lagoon. Below I am shown immediately after crawling out of the lagoon (to my right) and sprouting human legs. I had to dry off before beginning proper human adventures.

Oh yes, Sandra and I were Style Parkouring again. No place is safe in Vancouver. Above I am sighing with grand drama outside an office tower, staring wistfully past the hoards of boring bustling bankers in blue suits, wondering, Now that I have legs, where, oh where is Rudolph (Valentino) to whisk me away on his camel?

Sometimes my clothing is a projection of my mood, but in this outfit I was one single entity, clothing and spirit united, creature from the paillette lagoon. 

In fact, the drama in this location was also the result of fretting that the concrete would snag my rubbery legs, but Sandra was kind enough to lend me her scarf to sit on to minimize snaggage damage. That's true friendship, folks. 

You may recall that I was nervous to wear this shocking hot-pink hot pant ensemble in pubic, expressed here. That fear was remedied quite nicely with this gold lamé second skin which Miz Bagg debuted in VOGOFF December 2012. The metallic gold rubbery substance not only normalized the look but its insulating anaerobic powers kept the day's chill at bay. I wore pantyhose as an under layer as well to prevent the synthetic skin from sticking to my legs. 

Yes, a different location but Sandra and I really had that architectural cross/water thing going on. Having experienced the absolute joy of life as this creature, I shall assuredly wear this ensemble again, provided the lycra dries without black mold. And I'm glad I was running late in the morning because there was no time to have second thoughts about this outfit. 

Can you believe the shine from those paillettes? - the perfect antidote to an overcast day. Sandra and I brought smiles and gaping mouths everywhere we went.

Details

hot pink bouclé hot pants and jacket, thrifted

gold lamé lycra bodysuit, rear zip, thrifted

gold paillette top, thrifted

brown crackle leather Miu Miu boots, thrifted

magic loupe, O made it for me

pantyhose, retail

I am definitely linking this up with Patti's Visible Monday at Not Dead Yet Style. I may be a cold-blooded creature, but I still like to socialize with humans.

And above, Sandra of Lens is More looking uber cool. After we finished our shoot, we went thrifting. Oh my! The treasures we found, the restraint we didn't exercise - shocking - but that's for another post.

And that's all for now. I hope I haven't missed anything... Have a great week everyone!! 

An alien and a monster truck and a prairie dog

I found myself between these two, sucking up the sunshine, baby!

The chain-link fence around that lot was unlocked today so I couldn't help myself...

I wore my see-through sequined wedding-dress type thingy, thrifted. Underneath I wore the maxi white slip that came with the dress, my thrifted vintage black lacy slip, and then my thrifted boatneck T. Around my neck is magic jewellery that O made for me. And I wore mustard tights and my fringy wild green boots. Having just met a big deadline I knew these boots and sequins would be perfect for my inspiration walk.

The last time I wore this dress was in September, in my studio, with my ancient faux leather hot pants, whose fate may be similar to my blue boots...

I'll be joining Patti of Not Dead Yet Monday at her Visible Monday. So glad you're back, Patti. Looks like you had a great time in NYC. I'll see you all there. I'm frightfully behind on my commenting and shall be visiting everyone this week. 

OTHER STUFF

I was intending to post the next outfit earlier this week but felt that I couldn't break way from work long enough to stick it up, despite the fact that I had already done the writing. It's a fairly casual look for me, comfy, yet colourful.

I'm just a prairie dog...

...popping my head up for a quick check around before dipping back down to my den to toil. Such little weeny paws tippy-tapping on the keys. Oh how I sometimes miss my vintage manual typewriter, the satisfaction of the delicate end-of-line "ping" followed by the table-shaking THWAP of a mighty carriage return.

Details:

silky lime-green patterned blouse, thrifted

blue stretchy skirt, sample sale

riding pant jeggings, retail

maxi cardigan, sample sale

boots, retail long ago

magic loupe, O made it for me

Indeed, I was certainly feeling chipper during recess earlier today when I went out with O for a bite. In fact, he snapped these photos for me when we got home. The instruction for the above photo was, "Look neutral. Neutral is best." He should have said, "Look like a prairie dog." Then I cooperated for the next neutral photo.

LOOK AT MY BOOTS! Ah, yes, the process of decrepitudinization. On their first outing newly blue they had cracked within a block of home. I didn't though - I was braced for it. The gesso primer didn't help. In future I would go with regular acrylic housepaint primer, although stretchy vinyl and flocked whatever-the-hell-that-is are never good substrates at the best of times. 

When I got home the zipper teeth on one boot separated from the fabric backing half-way down so I had to the tug the boot off my foot without fully unzipping it. But I'm not done yet - I have many more liberating plans for these lovelies. My foot passengers love these vehicles. Drive on, my good woman.

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My daughter would NOT approve...and I've been SpyGirled!

If I had a daughter she would divorce me. I can hear her now - "MUUUUM!!! Are you KIDding me? Oh my GAAAWD. You are NOT wearing that in public." So glad I don't have children...although I'm sure if I did, they would be proper stepford children who say: "Oh Mother Dearest, you are a vision of gorgeousness, brimming with a host of talents and tender-heartedness, and I hope one day to be as fabulous as thou art." Perhaps some of you have spawned and reared such creatures?

Sandra and I were at it again. This is my David Bowie-who-fell-to-the-Earth look. Why did I have to fall so near the slosh bucket room and groady pay phones at the train station? Because we like it like that. Sandra wanked around with a few shots. Her talent never ceases to amaze and dumbfound.

"Yes, you heard me right. This is Occupant 008. Mission accomplished. Prepare Flight Deck 21 of Interplanetary Craft for double martini debriefing or you'll find yourself in the spacepod. Veeeery funny about the slosh bucket, C9Q2."



Those idiots! How many times do I have to tell them to turn the spaceship lights off when they land?



I wouldn't wear the hot pants or the silver spandex pants alone, but together, oh, yes, scandalously on the brink of being scandalous. I last wore the hot pants with my toolbelt to the Guvernment, here. By the way, following the wildly successful debut of our first unreleased album, Just Bad Enough is working feverishly on our next unrelease.

Details

• white A/X coat, thrifted, Value Village, last worn here
• hot pants of disintegrating vinyl, Value Village
• silver spandex pants, free from time-sealed treasure chest
• big black glitter booties (known as crappy-quality new shoes), retail
• black T under hot pants, thrifted, Value Village
• gloves, Canadian Tire, retail, decapped by me
• standing up hair, made so with aromatic blue product from Sandra
• magic loupe, O made it for me

I got some great pics of Sandra as well. One of my faves, below, is of her relaxing in the informal hallway to her living room. Maybe she'll post more pics on her blog Lens is More.

On the way home from our escape-aids, I had my eyebrows coloured chemical-white at MAC cosmetics. I took some photos but lost them. I'll take more when I redo them myself. And O just gave me a new tool box - bigger, stronger, faster. I am thrilled. I'll show you later, after I've had my way with it.

AND...
Holy Jamoly - Anne M Bray, aka SpyGirl, has sketched me in my dear-to-me floral spring madness outfit, which I posted here, as part of her Digital Catwalk-themed fake journal for International Fake Journal Month.  If you don't know Anne, you must also see her amazing personal style. And as a professional artist, her Commute series of artwork is currently being exhibited at TAG Gallery. Anne has many gobsmacking talents which she applies in her personal and professional life. Hugs, Anne. Thank you so much for this sketch. I love it and I am honoured. I am probably preaching to the converted here, but just in case, I encourage you to check out her blog.

That's the news from my part of the galaxy. My badass self just had to come out and play, especially with sticking-up hair from the special blue product. Yeah, baby. I hope your hair sticks up in just that special way that makes you feel like gettin' down and walking like an idiot as you play your own special tunes in your head. Does it?

[Addition] GAAAA - I'm of course going over to Patti's Place at Not Dead Yet Style for another of her Invisible Monday partays. (Sorry we trashed the place last week Patti. It was the punch, and then Curtise got up on the table and Tamera started singing... To make up for it I've hired some male strippers this week. They don't do much for me either, but it's fun just to write it.)

My new heavy metal band in the Guvernment

Gentle readers, I have always been disturbed by the antics of profligates in the Guvernment, Toronto, and I took it upon myself to do a personal investigation - I went in. Warning: These images are not suitable for mature audiences.

This is what happened.

Mick, eat your heart out! I've always wanted to do this...

What better time than the present to start a heavy metal band? 

Who cares that I can't really play anything professionally or sing that great - I've never let a lack of talent stand in my way. In fact, in this case it's rather an asset. I don't like listening to heavy metal either, but I like what it is - serious rocking out like action painting with sound. At the last minute I conscripted a friend, Sandra, to be my band mate. She can't sing or play either (her words, not mine) so we're well suited, plus she is a true rocker chick at heart and already has the proper wardrobe and hair!

And I have to say...

THIS  IS  SO  MUCH  FREAKING  FUN!

I mean it -

THIS  IS  SO  MUCH  FREAKING  FUN!

Above are the photos from our very first rehearsal, July 27. We went in with no scores and no lyrics but it was better that way... I was planning on going alone to the booking, but when I ran into Sandra at the coffee shop before I left, I asked if she'd like to join me. She said, "Why not?" The rest is history. 

Neither Sandra nor I swear - I can't even WRITE swear words - but we can certainly SCREAM expletives until we're hoarse and bandy them about with calm logic as they pertain to our "lyrics." We are equal parts profane, rude, silly, and vain in the studio and we capture this in sound and through photos. Sandra is also a great  photographer - she took these shots of me.

Sandra brought refreshments to our second rehearsal, Friday. How thoughtful. Some lovely iced tea.

Oops, I carry my reading glasses in my tool belt (pocket on the right), and when I put them on I could see why this tea was so special. (Neither of us drinks in the studio - in fact I don't really drink at all - but it was a great prop!) 

Mag Ruffman, eat your heart out (very cool Canadian actor and handy-woman who had a TV show). Below is my Curtise pose!

Details of the outfit:

• leatherette hot pants with front zip, $5, Wildlife Thrift Store
• mustard tights
• thigh-high leatherette boots, belong to Sandra
• tool belt, gift, used as reading glasses holder

On the way to the studio I wore flats and a demure skirt over my stage wear.

"Songs" so far are below but I need a little more tutelage from O to improve my recording skills. I am on keyboards, which I manage reasonably unwell, and Sandra and I both do "vocals."

Songs so far:

1. We're going to the f***ing mall
2. We're two hot *itches
3. Have another look
4. She sure swears a lot

I suppose we're more of an abstract expressionist art project with lots of punk and heavy metal thrown in the mix. The point is to enjoy the process - any product that results is a bonus. Raw is best. After two sessions, we are both somewhat hooked!

We play at Soundhouse Studios, a new rehearsal space near downtown Vancouver with extremely reasonable rates. Each room is named after a famous studio from cities around the world - ours happened to be Guvernment. You should check them out if you are looking for a space. If you mention my name I get a discount next time we go. Tee hee! 

Have you ever dreamt of being a rock star? All it takes is 10 bucks for a studio rental for an hour (unless you're lucky enough to have your own place) but you'll come out feeling like a million. And hats off to the many people who have serious talent and play in bands for real! 

I'm linking this up with Patti's Visible Monday over at her fantastic blog Not Dead Yet Style. I certainly felt visible in this even if I only wore it to the Guvernment. What would you wear to the Guvernment?

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PS. A big Thank You to beautiful Lyosha at Inside and Outside for nominating me for a LIEBSTER AWARD!! I'll include a proper response in an upcoming post!!