Saturday, 29 February 2020

Thoughts on air travel as a submarine-setter

In my life as a influencer, heh, and jet-setter (clarify: private-submarine-setter whenever possible), I must often fly to fake locations around the world. Sometimes I have to go to real places too. Oh, bother!

A while ago I flew, not by self-propulsion, which is another excellent option (see below), but on a plane. I had a suitcase. And I was in class H. Yes, you read that right. Remember when there used to be economy and first class, then business class nudged its way in, until this: class H, which presumably stands for Hot Hottie.

I was class Q (stands for "This is quackers!") on my return flight.
I thought there was a misprint.

My favoured way to fly.
One of my first self-propulsion flights.

I expected my boarding lineup to be way over in the other terminal I was so far down the list. If I was lucky there might be a bicycle or push scooter to transport me down the line. But no, I was lumped in with all the uppity classes, C D E F and Gs, and was later forced to sit with people waaay below my class, L M N O P. The indignity! Meanwhile, the As and Bs got their own rarefied air travel experience shuffling in the line next to mine. No mooing herd heard.

I know Canada is a classless society, but we certainly adapt quickly when it comes to air travel. [haughty sniff]

What to pack for an overnight trip 
This is part of what I brought with me. 
It's crucial that everything fits in a carry-on bag. 
I brought six attendants to aid in this process. 

Upon boarding and settling into your seat, you may discover that the person beside you is maybe a class F (Frickin' Frick), two steps above my class H.

She certainly didn't look class F, more like a J. 
Oh, the charade!! 

In fact, I only found out her higher status because she got priority snack service, which meant she could buy her potato chips first (crisps), grrr, but included in the price was the ire of everyone within eyesight and earshot of her crunch and grin. I thought, Heh, good deal! - nothing like being locked in a tubular cage surrounded by people who hate you for five hours.

But maybe this is the essence of the class structure. The one-percenters get chips (if class F counts); the rest of us watch and listen and get jealous and mad, while they crunch, look smug, exhale their horrible chip breath all over the place, and prepare to dash to the nearest exit. Sigh.

(Class H stands for Class Hot Hottie)

Adding injury to insult, the flight attendant dropped that mini can of chips on my wrist and it really really hurt bad. Did I get free chips? No! But she brought me a clear plastic baggie knotted at the top and filled with ice chips sloshing around in reddish water which looked like meat juice. There were probably shards of bone in there too.

What fresh hell was this!? 

If I were class E or F (remember I was H), I'm sure I would have received at least a blue Freezie pop. I'm sure in Class A or B they would have forgone the meat runoff and just slapped a raw sirloin steak on my wrist before serving it to me for lunch.

I suppose this setup has a certain fairness, except for my grievous injury. The woman beside me paid more for the extras, like PRIORITY CHIPS, like you pay for extra space: x dollars for right elbow room, x dollars for earlobe space, hip space, baby toe space, x  dollars for middle finger space, but many of us just take advantage of that one without paying, which begs the question:

Is that breaking the rules?

I should get on board with this new reality and propose that airlines charge for oxygen. You get x cubic litres for x dollars. Of course it would be timed so you have to top up when you get close to your destination. It's only good marketing. And extra-fresh air for an extra fee. Miz Bagg always used to charge me for air in the office.

I can envision all kinds of money-making schemes.
  • "Yes, sir, that is indeed your pudding. You didn't order a container or a spoon." 
  • "No bathroom privileges for you! You didn't pay the extra $100." "But this is a 10 hour flight!" Which of course would boost sales for the fresh air option.
Another flying adventure, this time with co-pilot Sandra @standard.deviations.

I'm sure the troll on the wing of the plane in that Twilight Zone episode below would never get away with free passage on the wing like that these days. Trolls must board like the rest of us, regardless of their class, where at least we can all keep an eye of them, as if that helps.

Really, if I could self-propulse everywhere I would, but it gets cold up there. After this experience, I'm truly grateful for my private luxury submarine. If I could only figure out how to portage it across the prairies I wouldn't have to put up with this nonsense. Suggestions?


I hope you are all fine and dandy. I've been missing this blog world.

Sunday, 12 January 2020

Happy 2020. And wearing beige on my way to millions

Happy New Year. 2020. When I was 12, I thought the year 2000 was like la-la Lost-in-Space time, but now in 2020, it turns out my thoughts were not too far off the mark after all. These are definitely non-fiction science-fiction times. Case in point, I'm wearing beige. And a trendy item, a puffer coat. Highly SF because beige is like my kryptonite, not as much as it used to be, but still.

Okay, beige, but it is pearlescent and ultra warm, 
a generous donation from a friend. 
I'm trying to be badass. It's exhausting. Flyaway brows help.

I was interested to read yesterday that scientists recently put 3D glasses on a cuttlefish and studied its behaviour as it watched movies, real story HERE. The glasses look like wings on each side of its head. Question: Who exactly made the glasses, where did they study how to make them, and did they overcharge? Also, did the cuttlefish get popcorn?

So I'm now thinking of attaching cuttlefish to each side of my own head and studying my own behaviour, but that would only work in water (with a snorkel because I wouldn't want the cuttlefish to suffocate in the air). But in water I wouldn't be able to eat popcorn. I could eat the cuttlefish, but that would defeat the point of the exercise, which I'm not convinced existed in the first place. So there goes that idea! Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Badassery pose 2. How much longer can I keep this up?!

Maybe I'll just learn how to make 3D glasses for octopus instead. I'll make a fortune!

I also read that people who snore are now being encouraged to lose weight on their tongue, real story HERE. Yeah, well, I got to work on that right away, much easier to do than attaching cuttlefish to my head. I've been writing! Look for my new books in your favourite bookstores:
  • Tongue 'o Steel 
  • Six-pack Tongue in Six Days 
  • Tongue in Cheek 2, 3, 4...  
  • 105 Slobber-free Habits to Tone your Tongue 
  • Gimme Some More Tongue! 
  • Tone up with Tongue Wagging
Yes, I've been busy.

I have already submitted patent applications for a revolutionary weight pack to wrap around your tongue for 24-hour strength training and a customized tongue weigh scale so you can measure the results. Of course I'll start a Tonguexercise franchise. I just need to make sure that a slender toned tongue doesn't weigh more than a thin flaccid one. These are questions that keep me awake at night.

Scientists suggest playing the didgeridoo as an effective means of losing tongue fat and as an alternative to CPAP machines. True.

Whew! Good assery!

Gosh, with 3D octopus glasses and my tongue exercise empire, I'm finally gonna make my millions in 2020! Of course, you'll all want to be my friend now so you too can hop aboard the Mel Money Train, woo-woo. That's okay. There's room for everyone and I'll enjoy the company.

Yes, keywords being woo-woo.

It's a wacky world, no doubt about it. I could talk about sustainable shopping and recycling or the fires in Australia or the crises unfolding in the Middle East or Trudeau's new facial hair, but frankly, as Madeline Kahn said so well in the 1974 movie Blazing Saddles, "I'm tired." If we don't take care of ourselves, we won't be very good at taking care of others.

Mel Brooks's satirical film Blazing Saddles. I'm not sure how well 
it holds up with time, but I LOVE Ms. Kahn

So "Back to the studio!" as Bridget Jones (fictional character from book/movie Bridget Jones's Diary) famously cried after sliding down the fireman's pole. See the brilliant clip HERE.

My studio in this case is a music studio because, look!, I wrote a song, kinda. I hope it's a No. 1 hit on those charts if they even exist anymore because I'm so out of it I wouldn't really know. Do they still have Billboard?
A Smart Kinda Nurse (an original song)
By Crone (my band name) 

I get on with life as a nurse,
I'm a smart kinda person.
I like golf and badminton.
I like to contemplate slippers.
But when I start to daydream,
My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Slippers or...

I like to use words like 'awesome' and 'neato.'
I like to use words about slippers.
But when I stop my talking,
My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Slippers or...

I like to hang out with Mary and Rhoda.
But when left alone,
My mind turns straight to wine.

Five six seven eight...

Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,
I notice the way I think about wine with a smile,
Curved lips I just can't disguise.
But I think it's slippers making my life worthwhile.
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?
Slippers or...

I hate the dark and carrots.
But I just think back to wine,
And I'm happy once again.

Five six seven eight...

Song Lyrics Generator HERE actually generated it, but I had to fill in the crucial bits with untrue facts. If any of you want to add music, please do and send it to me. I'll record it badly and my rock star dreams coming true will add to my moguldom.

Blast from the past, VOGOFF e-zine, June 2013 issue HERE

And I'm linking up to Patti, dagblammit, and her Visible Monday on Not Dead Yet Style when it's time. I look forward to seeing everyone.

Again, Happy New Year! Health and happiness to you all. Hugs all around. Thanks for dropping by. It's been busy here, in a good way. I hope it has been for you too.

Saturday, 21 December 2019

Intrepid explorer (and some style stuff)

I'm spinning! I'm twirling! Hahaha! Hahahahaaa!!
[swell of orchestra
Now I'm singing, SINGING - 

Mel Kobayashi Bag and a Beret The Soundlessness of Music

Hello again. Excuse me while I brush off the shrubbery. The gazelle dropped a few coins in my hat - to make me go away. 

I thought that since I'm back after a bit of a break I should get serious here and share pithy quips on style secrets. And serious photos, like this one:

Mel Kobayashi Bag and a Beret - colourful tights and muppet coat
Karl Lagerfeld leather skirt, donation from a generous neighbour

But I kinda blew it. I still think it's only fair, in this age of fake news, to tell you what's going on with me since September. 

Four things I have been doing since my last blog post

1. Starting a family - better late than never I always say

In the media, I'm often lumped in with women over 50 and called a granny, even though I don't have kids. Well, hey, why not get on board with that? Most people have kids in a hit/miss kind of way, before they're 57. I by-passed all that rigmarole and ordered them from a miracle lab run by Scientist Badinoff.

That's right. Quints! All mine, all me. After this success, I'm going to do it again in about ten years with the aim of becoming the oldest woman on Earth to give birth to octuplets. The record now is by a woman 66, for twins. Laughable. And these kids only take three months to grow in a dish. Whee!! It's so easy I could populate a country. Oooh...

I wept when my darlings leapt from their incubators for the first time in Louboutins and Doc Martens, singing show tunes from Cabaret. So proud. These babies will be fully adult in another month, at which time I can put them to work and O can check out of the Facility. He did not hand out cigars. 

2. Testing an eco-friendly clothing/species

I am worried about the environment so I devised a way to eliminate heavy winter clothing and even winter itself! Again with Scientist Badinoff (SB), I've been the subject of genetic testing for my human/bear hybrid design, featuring a human head and hands, and bear fur over the rest to stay warm and cozy while sleeping through the entire winter season! 

Hibernating in a cave would eliminate home decorating anxiety and the need for cleaning for several months at least. Plus, I love gorging before sleeping. And I like honey, salmon, and blueberries; those cave diets are so in. (I'm afraid a cave shortage may be a problem if this works out, although some men already have man caves.) 

It appears SB got the fur part right, but only on my legs, and there are a few strips on my chin (wrong appendage!, am considering a lawsuit), but I do tend to hibernate for a while each day in my living room, which, depending on the day, may be cave-like, so perhaps we're on the right track. I have not yet tested the truth of what bears do in the woods. 

Mel Kobayashi Bag and a Beret - Vint and York Amore progressive glasses
Glasses from Vint and York in New York, with progressive lenses, my first ever, and they are amazing!! Amore frames, dahling. Outfit similar to the one in the first photo.

3. Followed my calling - became a high priestess

A new career! Soon I will open my first unmonastery, where acolytes can take vows of screamery, not silence, goodness, no. I figured the Arctic would be a splendid location.

As luck would have it, that's where Jim (Mr. Bond to you) built me a secret lair (although it was a bit eetjit-y to sculpt my face on it if it's secret) as a surprise Christmas gift for saving his ass last year, read about it HERE. He couldn't put it under the tree so he sneakily preprogrammed my private luxury submarine to take me there. 

It's a huge space, rather remote, not quite Rushmore, but I'm Canadian and this will do; it will melt soon anyway - I hope the wrinkles melt first. I decided this lair would be perfect for my unmonastery. So I am taking reservations for acolytes for 2020. Morning screaming, afternoon screaming, and lovely sunset screaming, if there is any sun to set. Luxury accommodations if you can manage your way past the entrance. Or buy your franchise license now to be part of my global unmonastery movement.

Mel Kobayashi Bag and a Beret - unmonastery for screaming
Preparing for my first acolytes. All systems go.

4. Popping wheelies on Mars - space travel!

Speaking of all systems go, I almost forgot... I spent a couple of weeks off planet too.

Suzanne gave me a metallic silver moto jacket and I thought I should put it to use in space, where it belongs. As the world now knows, my first lunar mission was in January 2017. You can read about it HERE. Well, been there, done that, I chose Mars this time. 

Mel Kobayashi Bag and a Beret - charging her space suit
Charging my space suit before takeoff

NASA loaned me a bigger than-life-size spaced-out Barbie camper so I could boot around, do doughnuts (because Mars is like one huge vacant parking lot), and watch Netflix in comfort. They even snuck a snack into my rebreather, perhaps a peeled potato, shown in the left corner. I'm wasn't sure how to access it, but it's the thought that counts. It's now encased in the Smithsonian, known as "Mel Mars Potato."

The Canadian government has been hush-hush about this mission as well because they funded it, but they liked that the red planet matches the Canadian flag quite nicely, good for selfies. And politics is all about style.

Mel Kobayashi Bag and a Beret - on Mars

That's all.

I guess what I've been doing all this time is rolling with the punches of life, although this was more like shadow boxing. And I'll just say right now - can we drop the whole when-life-gives-you-lemons-you-make-lemonade thing? I prefer:

When life gives you a secret lair, make an unmonastery. 

Wrapping things up, some real music. This scene creeps me out now. The lyrics creep me out too. I loved Gidget movies growing up; now my nostalgia has more patina, less shine. It is what it is. It's a pity that Gidget had to blunt her edges. Maybe she would have become a blogger in later years.

The Female Trouble sweater is Gidget-pre-blunt-worthy, but I'm glad of all the other associations with this phrase as well (Female Trouble, not blunt). The sweater was a gift from the London-based company HADES quite a while ago, pure virgin wool, made in Scotland. "It's so dreamy, Moon Doggy!" (from a Gidget movie). Coat from students in the VCC fashion program.

Mel Kobayashi Bag and a Beret - Female Trouble - HADES

And I was featured in a literary blog for, guess what? Creative writing. I gob-smacked myself, what a mess. Madam Mayo pointed out things about my writing that I'm not aware of in the process. For that I am grateful - it's nice to know what I'm doing, the forest-for-the-trees thing again. Thanks, C. M. Mayo, for this review! HERE.

And Who What Wear included me in their article, "These Outfits From the 50-Plus Crowd Are My Favorite From the Whole Year." Thank you! Swipe and you'll see Shelley too. She took that photo of me and then we switched and I took that one of her. And Patti of Not Dead Yet Style is also in there, along with a bunch of other friends. If the list were mine to make, we'd ALL be in there. 

Happy holidays. Merry Christmas is what I grew up saying, and like my feelings for Gidget, its edge as a season seems blunted. I hope that we can all find ways to sit back and relax for a while, eat great food, have lots of laughs, and maybe take a tour of Mars in a Barbie camper. What do you think?

Thanks for dropping by. It's been a long time. I edited this so it might be easier to follow but there my be more changes later too. And I'm linking up with Patti at Visible Monday, Not Dead Yet Style. Hellooo!! 

PS I got the Hamster Habitat (rebreather) photo from JediLofty GNU Free Documentation License, Ver. 1.2

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