Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Is it comedy or is it simply life?

Melanie Kobayashi of Bag and a Beret wears old palatial palazzo pants
Look who's wearing the big pants now!
Pants as in trousers, but not just trousers: my palatial vintage palazzo pants, fully lined so they swish. The fuchsia of the ruffled blouse clashed madly with the red in the pants. Luckily, both sides surrendered in a detente refereed by an elastic orange neutral zone. Treaties were ratified and eaten. I was elected president. Hurrah.

No matter how I style these pants, I can never come close to Curtise of The Secondhand Years in her unforgettable RED Valentino pants, made even more so by her always-witty text. Here. Her pants are the stuff of blogging legend.
Next outfit:
Bag and a Beret, Mel wears an anime dress that's too short with loud tights
I'm standing in poo. I thought it was important to share that with you. Urban parkland. Man or beast, who's to know? Was this some of kind of cosmic life lesson on the dangers of veering off the beaten path? Or a comment on this selfie/outfit? Have you ever tried to clean poo from glitter booties?

I bought that anime denim tunic/dress from a consignment shop during the meetup. Now I know it's too short for comfort without jeggings or pants -  next time. But I love the psychedelic tights.

And a new comedy video. 
In it I'm recovering from the let-down of the awards ceremony and the discovery that my statuette is in fact a rubber glove over a dumbbell, not "gold made to look like rubber," which they told me.

The clip is also based on some emails with Suzanne Carillo and Sue of  A Colourful Canvas (we're bound for life after the meeup), in which Suzanne admitted that in desperation she tried using her vibrator for sinus relief. Hahaha!! And, she did say she thought it would be funny if my award had a vibrator in it. Hahaha!! This video is in part a response.
Sorry it's so long. Once I open my mouth I can't shut up!

I also got a couple of AWESOME packages in the mail from Sheila of Ephemera and made a video of that, but I'll save it for the next post. I don't want you to barf from overload.
Bag and a Beret, Mel wears her vintage palazzo pants
You've come a long way baby! 
- referring to these pants for surviving the decades intact. Yeeeah. 

I'm linking this up to Anne of SpyGirl and her 52 Pick-me-up: Honey/Service/Loyalty. The pants have a couple of shades of honey and their service is keeping my lower half decent in a groovy way. Also, the day I wore this outfit I bought a cell phone - I promptly returned it the next day. Close call.

After my last couple of snarky and also crude posts, I lost a few followers. I'm afraid things will only get worse from here.

How's your week been?

Saturday, 29 August 2015

White moto jacket two ways, casual AND executive

Ready? Brace yourself! It's two outfits with one jacket. But can I pull it off?! What do you bloody think? It's a frickin' jacket.

The other morning I was compelled by an unseen force (no, I'm sure it was the huge SALE sign that did it) to go into the store across the street and I left with that white moto jacket. After I paid.

Look 1: Moto Jacket Casual Style (subcategory Rocker Lite)
Mel Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret, these poses are so boring
Real rockers and fake real rockers scowl and wear black. Only fake fake rockers smile and wear white jackets. I wish I hadn't rolled up jeans, but note the double-belt action. Oh yeeeeah.
Wearing: Bardot jeans from sample sale, Miu Miu boots thrifted, Gap t-shirt thrifted, magic loupe and two magic pendants from O, two belts both thrifted, mechanical watch from O, white motorcycle jacket from sale
This look is majorly mainstream so I pumped it up with lighthouse hair and mega-'tude - works every time. I was influenced to get my rock-on by two scholarly YouTube videos I watched recently: 
  1. "How to look like a Rockstar on stage with a Guitar," taught by a man who doesn't play guitar. Excellent. And then I couldn't stop myself watching - 
  2. "Rockstar Fashion: How To Dress Like A Rockstar" by Make Me That Guy. The female-version videos I saw were so wussy. Pitui. (says the woman in the white moto jacket)
Sketch, turnip head, Are you feeling it?, Mel Kobayashi
Poor Kitty has a pain in his neck. My dance moves can have that effect.
What those video guys say makes sense. My take: is dressing to look like a rockstar any different than, say, dressing to look like a magazine trend or, how do the snobs put it, au courant? Both looks are costumes of a sort.

I can't appreciate the many loops drawn by these questions in my brain until I've fully recovered from my 'tude hangover, but seriously, we all pull the threads we like until the whole logic unravels anyway. You feel good? You wear it. How do the snobs put it? - feckin' eh.

Look 2: Moto Jacket Executive(ish) Style 
As promised, yes, another iteration!! A second look!!! I'm giddy with non-frigging excitement. Actually, I was excited. I can wear this stinkin' outfit to the office, to the supermarket, to the dry cleaners, to police headquarters, but never, ever, ever to a daycare!!!
Wearing: Cirque du Soleil graphic cotton tank gift, pinstripe pencil skirt thrifted, stretch kitten-heel shoes retail, white moto jacket
White motorcycle jacket, Mel Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret
That's it. That's the piece right there close up. It's so frigging fantastic. 

Fake leather, how appropriate. I thought it would be like wearing a mini sauna or miracle body wrap - bonus! I tucked a fake rocker handkerchief in my bag to mop up the melting poundage just in case. Too real? A bit gross? But it was cool outside. No sweat! 

The stores are maggoty with moto jackets. I thought this trend was done. Wrong. 

I lost my keys in the abyss of my bag the other day and had to empty the entire contents onto the hood of my car. O said it was like watching one of those cop shows. I was ready to be arrested when one pink rubber glove flopped out. He didn't raise an eyebrow. Heh. 

Sunday, 23 August 2015

My awards ceremony in New York!

You'll never guess!!

Yesterday I was whisked off to New York by Concorde to accept this prestigious award from the Academy of Interior Design & Horticulture
Schpetacular Achievement Award 2015!
It's a fancy way of saying I have been the world's top expert on home design/decor and gardening in 2015!! I know. I know. I couldn't have been more surprised than you are! O fainted.
Bag and a Beret, Melanie wins an amazing award of nonsense
What an immensely gratifying win it is after all my years of slavish devotion in making my home a cozy kingdom of creature comforts, despite doing my best to keep them out from under the bed. But this award was more for my writing about things I know absolutely nothing about than actual practice, as is so often the case. 

You may be surprised to learn that I penned these billion-dollar best-sellers: 
  • Discovering your Inner Pine Cone, celebrating the unspeakable joy of pine-cone table-toppers and other home decor items made from twigs, bark, leaves, and spray-can snow; 
  • Lapdancing: Creative Napkin-Folding for Every Occasion (x-rated cover photo), with contributions by "Suzie," in-house professional at The Penthouse strip club;
  • The Dark Side of Glitter, an expose of the dirty secrets behind interior decorating and crafting. Suzanne helped me with this book.
I hope you already have your signed copies. If not, they are available through Miz Bagg Entertainment Management for $10,000 each. Get yours before prices skyrocket on the back of this coup of recognition.
Melanie Kobayashi's book, Discovering Your Inner Pine Cone
I wish I could have invited you to the gala but it was hush-hush until the last minute; I didn't even know I had won until they pulled my name out of their arse.

So I am sharing with you a couple of clips of my special day, including my acceptance speech and musings at the glittering after-party. The Academy swears that the statuette is made of pink gold... See for yourself.
WARNING: Crude gestures and coarse language. But I was forced into it, I swear and swear and swear. I bleeped whenever possible. You have to watch both videos, not just one, and in order. Now go! Heh. I'm so bossy. 
This shoot was really fun for me, if no one else. The challenge was to see what it's like to fake laugh and improvise a character alone in front of my tripod, and then bring it to life.

For my inspirational book cover, I used three pine cones I found on Granville Island having gone there on my inspiration walk yesterday morning specifically to look for them. These were the only ones left - meant to be. Meant to be, folks.
Melanie Kobayashi as Ice Queen
I am The Ice Queen
Test shot, wearing XL-sized Eileen Fisher top in softest cotton, 
a favourite lounge piece thrifted from My Sister's Closet

You know that saying, fake it till you make it? How about, make it as a fake? Heh.

Ciao, my beauties. I hope my crude behaviour didn't offend you. That was completely out of character, as any of you who know me will swear too. Bwahaha. 

If you watched the clips, then clearly you have tarried at this post beyond all health & safety blog visitation recommendations. Congratulations. Now go get yourself a treat! Sweet? Savoury? Or both...? Or perhaps a liquid?

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Unsquish thyself

Yeah, it looks like a kimono with an obi. 
Mel Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret, is it a kimono
But look again. 
Mel Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret, kimono and corset
The scary contraption is a vintage corset in pale peach with a hook-and-eye closure at the front. The lacing appears to be a cat's cradle gone horribly wrong. Did the makers think the feminine colour would soften the harsh reality of its grim task? No matter, I love the danger/sweet disparity.

I found this vintage kimono at Blim, a cool shop and mini art school in Chinatown, which specializes in apparel with hamburger prints and googly eyes, but it also has a small rack of vintage and sample clothes. My cashmere Moschino hot pants are from there.
Melanie Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret, hybrid kimono
Not being Japanese I wanted to hybridize the kimono to reflect me and its new context, to punk it up just a bit. Specific first challenges: create an interesting closure system and find a way to shorten this without scissors. After mulling it over for several months...

My solution: a corset, which I had, and mitten clips, which consist of a stretchy band with a suspender clip at each end. I attached two clips to the corset garters at the front and one on each side. They not only keep the hem up without damaging the fabric, but they free my legs for walking and create interesting draping, especially at the back. Overall, I'd call it Punk Lite.
Melanie Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret, hybrid kimono
As for wearing clothing aligned with other places/people, I figure any clothing that appears in the public domain becomes part of our shared aesthetic dialogue and inspiration soup. Everything comes from everything. I'm dipping this kimono back into the stock with a sour twist.

This piece looks much better in motion than static and I smiled the whole time I wore it, feeling a fine zesty grating of punk and feminine - it's hard to escape the softness of the colour. And I kept the corset loose-laced so I wouldn't be squished. The kimono seemed glad of a little fresh air after lost decades of idleness. 

I know some people chop kimonos up into handbags and even shoelaces, but I couldn't bear it, at least not yet. I'm excited to see where this work-in-progress goes, colour-wise and accessory-wise, now that I have a feel for it. 

I'm linking this up to Anne of SpyGirl's 52 Pick-me-up: Pink/Discovery/Journey

And another piece of finished business...
I made this video sketch a couple of years ago when I found out I had to leave my studio - what a gift it was while it lasted.

I accidentally dropped the music in a few days ago when I rediscovered the clip set to Private on my YouTube channel. The sound cuts out at the end, but it's a wrap. My work is done here. I am healed! Ba-bye studio. I'm on to bigger and better things. Bwahahaha!
I am looking forward to making more videos, I can tell you! 

And one more thing:
I wanted to show you the boot combo I wore today with my vintage stretch denim, Pao's idea. I got one of the best compliments ever: "Ooo-eee!! You look ready to take on Manhattan!" I laughed because New York is the site of Sylvia's (40+ Style) imminent meetup, so it's been on my mind. Someone else referred to the denim as a one-dy. It seems more appropriate than jumpsuit.

Whew. That's all. I think. For now. We need rain so bad. The grass is like beige fringed plastic. 

Sunday, 16 August 2015

How to wear a onesie over 50

Uh-oh, I'm wearing it again - the onesie. The Norwegian Original. This time for shopping downtown, not frolicking in the woods like a dork, here. (In my defense, I was delusional under the influence of Justin Bieber at the time. Not true. I'm just always like that.) And look, another one-piece in the woods:
Melanie Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret, undercover in the woods
Is it a playsuit? No. A jumpsuit? Nunh. It's a hundreds-of-psychedelic-flowers-are-blooming-all-over-my-electric-body energy glove, never a suit! Worn with my D&G pony shoes, balding on the toe like a beloved plush toy, although I wouldn't sleep with my shoes or cuddle them when I'm unwell. The heels are getting worn too from clicking them together and muttering, there's no place like New York, there's no place like New York.
To be praaactical many might call this a jumpsuit, although there's nothing practical about a delicate rear zip in a vintage one-piece. Sure, if we want to be praaactical, let's just call this a HOPFABAOMEB-EG for short. Snort (as in laugh, not cocaine, my twisted friends). I feel like giving birth to a thousand butterflies when I wear this. Okay, ow. Let's just stop the imagery right there. Moving right along...
Mel Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret, undercover in the woods
Usually I tell my clothes what they are. Are you pyjamas? No. You are swishy-silky-daydreams for shopping in. Are you a tool box? No. You are a magical vessel full of potential riches in both spirit and cash. Unless I can't find my magical vessel, at which point it becomes, Where's my fecking purse!!
In the concrete studio, Mel Kobayashi, Bag and a Beret
Using regular names for things can be useful. If I went to a shop and said, "Do you have any hundreds-of-psychedelic-flowers-are-blooming-all-over-my-electric-body energy gloves," like a smartass, I'd probably get a sneer and snide, "No, lady, we don't." (Sneer and Snide - sounds like a water park or a cartoon duo)

Unless you're Corey Mah at retailer Holt Renfrew, who might just say, "Oh yes, I certainly do! Follow me." He's an art school grad after all. But he would be a rare exception. Even rarer would be that I drop $800 to buy said HOPFABAOMEB-EG, even marked down from $3000.

This is an outtake from my original red onesie shoot, oops, I mean my celebrity-red-rocket-body-casing-of-perverse-pleasure!! In Stanley Park.
Mel Kobayashi, Onesie in the Woods, scary
Today's ensemble featured lighthouse hair, green shaggy boots instead of runners, and a man robe off and on because it was chilly. I deleted the concrete box - so boooring. As I said before, nobody, absolutely nobody wears onesies in Vancouver. It mystifies; it's such a slackeriffic garment. How do you wear a onesie over 50? Uh, you just put it on. Doh.
Mel Kobayashi, The Norwegian Original in Vancouver
Pao of Project Minima had a brilliant idea to wear one green boot and one black since I have these boots in both colours. I love that. Another day.
How's your magical vessel? Bwahaha. Snort.

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