Sunday, 1 February 2015

How to get more Followers

Warning: content might use language.

266. That's my magic number. 
My number of Followers (on Google). Do I care?
Me? Moi? Fer-krissakes. It's just a number. Ho hum. Big yawn, bigger, biggest.
We all know it's not how MANY followers you have, it's the QUALITY.

OMG OMG OMG, I have no fecking followers!
OMG OMG OMG, I have so many followers I can't keep up!
OMG WTF LOL. Is that even language?

Some mornings I wake up with "A Plan." I know exactly what I need to do to Get. More. Followers. which will miraculously make me Good. Better. Best!!!

I'll put on something sheek, probably only one layer even, go outside, find a blurry background (I may need a few drinks first), then have a real person take photos with a heavy camera. Ba-bye garbage room atelier!! Ba-bye concrete box studio!! Ba-bye cardboard box studio!! (here) Hello Hollywood. Mmm, baby, yea-aah! Atlantic Pacific*? Heck no! It's Arctic Ocean Antarctic Ocean…
My No-No List says nothing about hot pants, specifically thrifted Moschino wool/cashmere blend hot pants, sample.
I had to fark this photo to get a blurry background. 
I won't spell words rong, and I'll schtop writing with a stupid slobbery grin on my face, and crumbs stuck all over. I'll grit my teeth, look serious with undertones of sexy, playful magic, and then pay someone accredited to shove bacterial toxin botulin around my eyes and my mouth to counteract the effort. Now we're talking!

"Get More Followers" Photo Guidelines for Old Women (me)
Absolute No-No's
  1. Eyebrow wiggling or any asymmetrical brow pose
  2. Weird lip positions, i.e., smirks, fish-lips, tight lips
  3. Vulgar displays of teeth (teeth are cutlery for goodness sake!)
  4. Bulging eyes in fake surprise/fear/innocence/loathing
  5. Garish emotionalism, genuine or feigned
  6. Shaggy clothing (only young people in the UK "shag")
  7. Bright colors below the waist (and only in moderation in the torso and head areas)
  8. Platform footwear and hosiery with holes, unintentional or deliberate
  9. Underwear/nightwear/support gear worn on the outside
  10. Jewellery larger than a small marble, unless real diamonds
  11. Ill-fitting/ripped up/scribbled on/wrecked attire
  12. Sparkles, spangles, pailettes, dingleballs
  13. Visible or loud cosmetics
I have been guilty of all of the above, although I have not shagged in the UK, even when young, nor worn real diamonds larger than a small marble. Follower Failure case in point below. Outfit a couple of days ago.
No-No's: bulging eyes, shaggy clothing bits, too many intense colours in the torso and head areas, visible lipstick.
New thrifted muppet vest. Linking this to Rosy and Mis Papelicos Share-in-Style: Plaid. Almost missed it.
As I was saying, I'll not only LOOK serious but I'll try thinking before I write too. There's a novel thought. Yeaah! And I'll prepare my posts more than one hour in advance. YESH! YES! In fact, I'll plan my posts DAYS in advance, nay, one WEEK in advance on a, I can't believe I'm writing this, on a SCHEDULE! I'll distill my intellectual erections into sweet non-caloric fashion bites of grey and beige and navy. YES! I'm on a roll!!! (oooh, roll reminds me, where are those leftover bun thingies?) I'm gasping in anticipation. (bun, bun, bun)

Of course, I'll get advertisers and make piles and piles of moolah. Every click to the sewless needle, hair vibrator, ethical lipo village will yield me riches. RICHES!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA…

I'm tired now. I need to take a nap. Where's that bun? Where's my fecking uni-layer? Oh, feck that.

To all youse 266, mwah, mwah, mwah!!! I can't believe you have signed up for this abuse and you don't even get PAID! I have more grey hair now than before I started blogging in Jan. 2012. What does that mean??!!

If you've managed to read this far, have you ever wished you could turn off the numbers?
*blog of young style goddess, ho-hum

For Sheila of Ephemera Shoe Shine 20, thrifted converse runners I scribbled on, a Big No-No!!


40 comments:

  1. It does not matter how many followers you have. It only matters than I am the FIRST to leave a comment!

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  2. Whew, I thought someone else would beat me to it while I had to type SxrpyisqeotUspittle to prove I'm not a robot.

    What do you mean I don't get paid?

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  3. hey, I'm not sure if I'm "following" your page but I am subscribed to your email updates and I visit your page even if an email doesn't get sent out! I think you're amazing!!! Lots of love... Sonya

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  4. UPDATE: I am your 267th follower! ;-D

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  5. hahaha....wait, why am I laughing? This is serious biz, is it not? Truthfully? You've wormed your way into my head {ew}, and written my thoughts....

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  6. Oh, LOL and Amen. Does it count if I can't remember whether I shagged in England? I'd FOLLOW you anywhere, whatever it takes, xox.

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  7. To heck with following! From now on we should all just lead, but then someone else will have to follow, or we will have no one to lead...hmmm.

    You are totally, farktastically awesome, and I'm sending a whole pile of "MWAHS" your way.

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  8. Gah, feck the metrics. Numbers only tell one part of the story. Are you having fun? You do seem to be. Quality baby, trumps quantity. Content is king, uh, buy low sell high? But you are having fun, yez? That hot pants outfit is fantastic!

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  9. Oh, and yes I have shagged in England. Scotland too.

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  10. Those shorts with the tights and socks and boots are just PERFECT!

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  11. What you mean this isn't Treehugger.com? I have been misled.

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  12. And to think I knew you back in the day, fledgling little bag blogette. Gosh. You grew up to be such a beauty. I always knew you would.

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  13. OMG WTF intellectual erections LOL OMG!! :sigh: I hate myself a little now.

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  14. Wee-ooh! You have got it goin' ON! Thank you for Shoe Shining it, for drawing on your sneakers, for wearing shorts, for bright colours on your face. You are officially my big sister I always wanted. I'm stealing your clothes.

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  15. Ha! I've had about 60 followers for years now, and most of them are probably asleep. Does that stop me? Noooooooo. I will continue to post pictures of cats, monster costumes, arcane rites and tea cups until I drop.

    I have shagged while wearing shag, but not in England ;)

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  16. I am a spangle loving bright coloured wearing older blogger ... And I love your blog. Change nothing, it's bloody perfect.

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  17. You're awesome and so much fun.

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  18. I have numbers that go up and down. What's that all about? Did I do something they didn't like?
    Well, rest assured, you never do anything I don't like...although sometimes I'm not sure I understand all your writing :-)
    Glad your talk has come back since last post!
    Loving your hotpants...and your cold ones too.
    Viva la no-no!! xo JJ

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  19. Bwhahahaha!!!!

    Say "yes" to the "nos", or something like that.

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  20. I cannot stop laughing!
    Oh I did shag in the UK.
    The whole get more followers thing confuses me.
    And oh, I am quite envious of your hair.

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  21. Please help me i have fecking 3460 followers on Instagram....help meeeeeeeeeeee!

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  22. I'm loving all the people who've shagged in the UK (though I don't believe Patti when she say she can't remember). It's not much of a stretch for me to acknowledge my shagadelic behaviour, since I live here.
    Now listen, you. Numbers? Pah, who gives a toss? Mine change from 323 to 322 on a fairly regular basis - it really make me laugh! We've all seen the dreary posts about what to do or not to do to Get More Followers, but really, why does it matter? As long as the people I like drop by, that's good enough for me. I like meeting new bloggers, of course, but I'm not chasing anyone - it happens, or it doesn't. A bit like shagging.
    So carry on with all the No Nos, it's why those of us who are here are here. (Does that even make sense? It did in my head...)
    Cashmere Moschino hot pants? Uber sheek; I've never seen you look so sober. Get that Muppet coat back on immediately! xxx

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  23. LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

    I seriously want to have an intellectual erection. What do I have to do? What should I be stroking? Buns?

    Your brain is a wonderful circus and I want season tickets.

    bisous
    Suzanne

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  24. ME: No wonder I'm stuck - my blog is horribly out of date!! I have 267 followers now. Thank you, SONYA! My evil plan is working...Bwahaha.

    There is a time/earth/cosmos meld: my Google followers and Bloglovin' followers are 266/267. SPOOKY!!!

    So many of you lovely women have shagged across Europe. Keep it, er, up... CAROL, I thought at first glance you had shagged the WHOLE UK. Speaking of shagging...

    SUZANNE, intellectual erections are temperamental. Handle with care. Best to hold back but buns do help.

    POOR ARIANE! I can help you carry some of that Follower load, well, except I'm not on Instagram. Congratulations!!! AWESOME!! Show them how it's done. Keep going. I want to see you in the six digits. No kidding.

    You are all stellar. I thrifted some relatives for my muppet coat today. I'm so baaad, a walking NO-NO! Feck those neutrals - at least until next time.

    PS I had to tell my own blog I'm not a robot. Maybe that's my problem... heh.


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  25. haha Mel. You are definitely the funniest blogger! It's the quality of the follower that counts!

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  26. Do I dare to ask the meaning of "shag"?

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  27. Shagging is doing the horizontal tango, rolling in the hay, having relations, doing the nasty, bumping uglies, sliming the banana, boning, boinking, riding the bologna pony, or just "doing it." In other words, having sex.

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  28. Thank You for an excellent blog post - it adds to my English vocabulary in a way no dictionary or English lesson in Denmark ever could! The muppet colour is great on you, and it's a sin to hide those incredible legs for longer than a day or two :-)

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  29. Hahaha, this was so funny. And you are so right. ThNks for keeping our feet on the ground. I wanted to say I shagged in England ànd Scotland, but Une femme beat me to it. Living in The Netherlands I thought this was quite an achievement. Alas, almost all your followers have done the same. Which says a lot about you and your followers haha. I wish I was as witty as Val or you, but I amnot. Still I am loyal to your blog. Cause you are more than worth the visits.
    Greetje

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  30. Hahaha. Ahh, man. You are what dreams are made of. Never change! <3

    – Anna

    www.melodicthriftychic.com

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  31. Would more shagging get more followers? clearly I must shag more!! but then, I tick every no-no, especially my eyebrows, mine are full on fake! Oh Melanie, I adore you!! I do! I'd follow you to the end of the earth x x x

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  32. Haha, this is hilarious! Add pigeon toed stance to the list and DONE!
    I wish I could hang out with you. Clearly we both need a drink... :)

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  33. You are a blogging goddess.

    This post is the blog equivalent of bloody great stand up (comedy that is.
    Not shagging).

    However, could I suggest the addition of a 'hilarity' health warning? Along the lines of: 'Do not read in a public place unless very comfortable with drawing wide-eyed attention to yourself when engaged in involuntary chortling, chuckling and spontaneous snorting as well as potentially hazardous hooting, snickering and guffawing (especially in relation to comments nos 25 and 28….) You have been warned.'
    I saved this post to read while taking a break from essay tedium in the library.
    Blogging goddess.

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  34. this was a delightfully refreshing read! You're really hilarious:)

    btw I think we all care about numbers...at least a little..at least occasionally.

    However, numbers are definitely not what matters.

    What matters is seeing this wonderful and unique styling...and reading this fantastic text.

    http://modaodaradosti.blogspot.com/

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  35. It is not important how many followers you have ... the "right" ones are counting ;-)

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  36. I have to agree with Rosalind's comment above - your blog needs a hilarity warning. I laughed so hard you had me in tears...and are those some ab muscles I feel coming on? The only time I've ever cared about followers was when my follower count was at the glorious number 69 (the number is still as funny to me as it was when I was 12).

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  37. You, my dear, are one of the MOST talented and creative bloggers in the universe, and you always make me laugh, think, question, etc. And put on another hat and walk out the door. You speak the truth!

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  38. How to get followers on twitter?You should check this out http://socialsuppliers.com/twitter/followers/

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  39. I think you've gotten more hilarious since I've been away. I removed the Google Friend Connect follower button from my blog last year because I wanted to take the focus off followers for myself. I have 122, for the record, and have never done much in the way of self-promotion. The more I think of my blog as a personal scrapbook, the more genuine it feels. Anyway, you're amazing and this post is amazing.

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