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Sunday 23 August 2015

My awards ceremony in New York!

You'll never guess!!

Yesterday I was whisked off to New York by Concorde to accept this prestigious award from the Academy of Interior Design & Horticulture
Schpetacular Achievement Award 2015!
It's a fancy way of saying I have been the world's top expert on home design/decor and gardening in 2015!! I know. I know. I couldn't have been more surprised than you are! O fainted.
Bag and a Beret, Melanie wins an amazing award of nonsense
What an immensely gratifying win it is after all my years of slavish devotion in making my home a cozy kingdom of creature comforts, despite doing my best to keep them out from under the bed. But this award was more for my writing about things I know absolutely nothing about than actual practice, as is so often the case. 

You may be surprised to learn that I penned these billion-dollar best-sellers: 
  • Discovering your Inner Pine Cone, celebrating the unspeakable joy of pine-cone table-toppers and other home decor items made from twigs, bark, leaves, and spray-can snow; 
  • Lapdancing: Creative Napkin-Folding for Every Occasion (x-rated cover photo), with contributions by "Suzie," in-house professional at The Penthouse strip club;
  • The Dark Side of Glitter, an expose of the dirty secrets behind interior decorating and crafting. Suzanne helped me with this book.
I hope you already have your signed copies. If not, they are available through Miz Bagg Entertainment Management for $10,000 each. Get yours before prices skyrocket on the back of this coup of recognition.
Melanie Kobayashi's book, Discovering Your Inner Pine Cone
I wish I could have invited you to the gala but it was hush-hush until the last minute; I didn't even know I had won until they pulled my name out of their arse.

So I am sharing with you a couple of clips of my special day, including my acceptance speech and musings at the glittering after-party. The Academy swears that the statuette is made of pink gold... See for yourself.
WARNING: Crude gestures and coarse language. But I was forced into it, I swear and swear and swear. I bleeped whenever possible. You have to watch both videos, not just one, and in order. Now go! Heh. I'm so bossy. 
This shoot was really fun for me, if no one else. The challenge was to see what it's like to fake laugh and improvise a character alone in front of my tripod, and then bring it to life.

For my inspirational book cover, I used three pine cones I found on Granville Island having gone there on my inspiration walk yesterday morning specifically to look for them. These were the only ones left - meant to be. Meant to be, folks.
Melanie Kobayashi as Ice Queen
I am The Ice Queen
Test shot, wearing XL-sized Eileen Fisher top in softest cotton, 
a favourite lounge piece thrifted from My Sister's Closet

You know that saying, fake it till you make it? How about, make it as a fake? Heh.

Ciao, my beauties. I hope my crude behaviour didn't offend you. That was completely out of character, as any of you who know me will swear too. Bwahaha. 

If you watched the clips, then clearly you have tarried at this post beyond all health & safety blog visitation recommendations. Congratulations. Now go get yourself a treat! Sweet? Savoury? Or both...? Or perhaps a liquid?


  1. Hahaaa, your own drunken inner anger translator!!

    I checked out Amazon, and unfortunately there is no "Quick Look" for your books - you know, a few highlighted pages for us, the humble shopper, to get a better idea of the contents. I am sad. :(

  2. If you haven't already got your own show in Canada, then you ned one!

  3. Coffee out my nose - more than usual, I should say. Brilliant, and biggest congratulations, well deserved. Sandy bought me the napkin folding book for our anniversary! xox

  4. Best. Post. Ever. You are a schtar! And just look at the size of that pine cone ... no wonder you needed help from your gynecologist. Oops, horticulturist.

  5. I truly love you! You are so funny! I love the poking fun at yourself! You are so cool! I love the pine cone cover- you look like you just laid those pinecones like eggs!!x

  6. Oh good God, you are so funny! I continue to be inspired by you.

    Amazing, utterly amazing ....

  7. This is so funny and fabulous Mel. So great to see you taking some steps towards standup comedy! Keep on rocking girl!

  8. A liquid! Fetch me a liquid! Oh gosh, that was the funniest thing - I love you making the 'Trudeau salute' with the glove. I was waiting for it to come to life and try to pat your face. Love these videos!

    FYI, your shoes are rocketing over to you by Canada Post (on Monday - I took them in yesterday, but no pick-up until Monday), in two separate packages. One is a blue 'Vog box, one is a soft CanPo envelope. I couldn't find a box big enough for all of them. Enjoy?!

  9. You should have your own show on Comedy Central: Art And The Zen of Sequin Maintenance, or something. You are fecking brilliant and funny as hell.

  10. Sheila, gaaa! How wonderful! You've just LOADED up your karma train. I hope you'll be in a video when I come over there to visit. I'm seeing she-vampires or something. Unless we just go shopping and eating and drinking. Perhaps we could do both.

  11. As President of the International Society for the Perpetual Protection of Pine Cones, I must inform you that you are in direct violation of Cone Code: HMFIC* and must pay a fine of not more or less than 25 constuction paper garlands and 43 doily valentines WITH glue or else be whisked off to California to do time (hang out) with ME - Connie Conehead - President of the ISFTPPOPC - for the rest of the summer.
    Melanie!!! You deserve ALL awards!!!!!!! Beyond Brilliant!!!!! XXXXOOOOO

    *Head Mother F---er In Charge

  12. Dear HMFIC,
    I vehemently deny violation of Cone Code HMFIC as all Pine Cones were treated with utmost respect and left in situ after said photo shoot. Pine cones used in the making of pine cone table toppers in such-like book are made of plastic.

    You may therefore charge me under impersonating a pine cone and I shall duly report to you in California to set the record straight, under intensive grilling, preferably of hamburgers, under the watchful eye of Sergeant Pancake, who, I note, has been stealing pine cones from the park?!!! Hahahaha.

  13. Please don't let all this attention go to your head. I've noticed how it seems to be getting bigger, well taller anyway. Not that you don't deserve to be feted (rhymes with fetid). And I'd love to know what you were drinking at the After party.

    I've got pine cones! They must tell me something about my inner soul. It's prickly, maybe? Must read all your books. Forget Moby Dick and Middlemarch - I want to know about The Dark Side of Glitter!

  14. So funny ! I opened it on a small window on my laptop and actually thought it was real at first - until I scrolled and saw the pink glove. Thank you for lighting up my day - love the canned laughter - loved it all, and love you ! I just sent it to all my grooviest friends to enjoy too. xoxo, w

  15. So funny, and yet so true to life?!? How does that happen? And yet I think that's exactly why it's so hilarious.

    p.s. I borrowed your entire body of works from the library. So sorry to be frugal :)

  16. I'm waiting for the boxed set of all three books to be released (with bonus pair of rubber gloves) before I buy them. I was expecting the glove to come to life and slap you or start choking you - I've obviously watched too many old horror flicks.

    You are so fricking entertaining - there must be an award for that!! Fabulous tall hair, by the way.

  17. Fabulous fun, dearest Melanie

  18. There has never been a more deserving winner of any award. Ever. In all respects you are at the very top of the pine tree. Your speech was very moving, such humility. And in the after-party clip I was rooting for you to get those expletives out - very touching to watch. Nice glove, Schiaparelli pink if I'm not mistaken? Ba-bye, mwah.

  19. Hahaha!!! Brilliant!! I think you perfected the faux laugh. XXX

  20. You are a winner, and such a good sport. I mean, who wants a rubber glove anyway?!

  21. melanie - you've really outdone yourself!!!!
    just fab!!!!

  22. I'm beginning to worry...does this mean you were "faking" the laughter the whole time we were together? My husband has faked it before but now my friends are faking it!? Is there ANYTHING real in this life anymore?

    The after party was my fav. Especially the rampant swearing. And the fact that you were able to do some bicep curls with your award.

    If I had known when I was helping you with the "The Dark Side of Glitter" that you'd be the one winning the award, I would have taken a whole other direction. Have you ever been glitter bombed? time. Tar and feathered ain't got nothin' on glitter bombing. It involves large amounts of ModPodge and glitter.


  23. You made me cry! From laughter of course! Not only you are a gorgeous woman and a talented artist and a warmhearted friend, but such a great comedian too. Melanie, you need to be on TV and book stores world-wide. xxxxx

  24. I am laughing. In fact, I'm inspired to create a holiday where we all get dressed up, accept an award, and go to after-parties. Oh, wait, there already IS one, I just never get invited...

    The books are shear-fucking genius. Please really write them!

  25. Melanine, I don't think I've laughed this hard in, well, FOREVER! I practically peed my pants while watching you. Then I began thinking how you were actually filming yourself and being able to pull this all off and I started it all over again. Can't thank you enough for the entertainment! You do realize you are one overly talented human being, right?

  26. bravo! The Dark side Of Glitter sound like a must read

  27. Whahahahaha.... I have to go to work and I am too late now because I couldn't resist reading and watching everything. Well, I may arrive too late but with a big smile on my face. This was sooo funny.

  28. Tina Fay (Fey?) you are no longer the star!

  29. I do not know why anyone else who is famous is famous at all when you are in existence. Get yourself an agent now! I would like to order my copy of the pine cone book. I have so many pine cones and clearly I do not know what to do with them as I tend to leave them just lying around my home.

  30. Simply brilliant , I haven,t laughed so much in ages. Such a talent, I am sure an award is on its way.

  31.! ....the injustice of seeing you lauded with an award while I lie in this hospital bed, wracked by torrential vomiting and diarrhea thanks to your fucking "Organic Hemlock Wine".

    I'm coming for you, lady....

  32. Melanie, the videos are spectacular. When you do have your own show on Comedy Central, I will be able to say I knew you "when." You are a rare treasure!

  33. Not that I ever need reminding why yours is one of my very favourite blogs… but reminded I am. Wholeheartedly. Exceedingly. Very muchly.

  34. :-D:-D:-D
    Great acting to green screen!
    We must try video next.
    Well done on winning an award in such an esoteric field. And it's useful afterwards to wash dishes onehanded and get one arm strong.
    The multiuse statuette that doesn't gather dust but keeps giving and giving! Xo Jazzy Jack

  35. You are amazing. Yep! That pretty much sums it up. Hehe. <3

    - Anna

  36. Congratulations!

    Love the pink glove matches your blue eye-shadow. :)

  37. Woohahaha.... hilarious, Melanie!! Can I have an ounce of your crazy originality please?! So entertaining and funny. Thanks!


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