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Saturday 23 December 2017

How to figure skate over 55

A Christmas Story of Triumph

O and I finally put up our tree last week after we fired up the crane in the garage. Oh humble Christmas tree, several stories high, with lovely beige(?!)-wrapped gifts underneath, except, oh? What's that? Oh my, a little something something from Santa?!

GAAAAA!!!! Just what I wanted! Figure skates! My evil rival, Miz Bagg, stole my last pair four years ago in the middle of the Milky Way Figure Skating Championships, so I was forced to compete without them. I still won of course. No one does a Besti squat or Biellmann spin better than me, on ice, shaken, not stirred. Give me a couple of bottles, not of milk, and I'll give you an eyeful of swizzle and twizzle too. (real skating terms)

As for the skates, I had to shake my head at these new high-tech wonders. The blades list all the added vitamins and minerals, and include a calorie count which fluctuates depending on whether or not you wear them with milk. That's a bit much, don't you think? Milk?! Cocoa, yeah, I could understand, or coffee even. And let's not forget that cold weather burns calories 3.8 times faster than warm weather. It's an unproven fact. All too confusing.

Inside was tucked a little note from the Intergalactic Figure Skating Championships with an urgent invitation to their meet yesterday in Vancouver. Why not?, I thought. Having eliminated all my former competition, I would be the only entrant.

All the usual judges were there, some I knew intimately having schlepped with them during past games. Mars, hot-headed and annoying, Venus, constantly sobbing and fainting, Pluto, way out there, reminds me of a politician, and of course Uranus, working overtime, always bending over. The only non-Milky Way was Planet X, a cool artist creature in a silver lamé onesie.

There was no ice so I skated on the waters of Burrard Inlet, such is my talent. The move above is a Mel original. And so is the one below. And I threw in some sow-cows. When I was done my routine, an Orca whale gave me a lift back to shore. While daintily gripping its dorsal fin, I reclined like a mermaid in readiness for the media waiting on the pier.

I think my solo program went really well. Especially since I was the only competitor. But it was time to move to pairs. My partner, Chucky, was a bit wooden and couldn't keep his mouth shut. At least he was dressed very on trend, had silver hair, and sported a long beard thingy. 

But we shared a special energy. (Actually, he bit me after this shot. I slapped him with my flowers.)

And at the end of my program, I anxiously awaited news of my scores. I'm glad I had white duct tape to keep my laces tied!!

And there I am at the podium. A perfect score - AGAIN. My blades got a bit mangled, but that's what happens when you're really, really good.

Drinks are on the house! Cheers everyone.

A flubbed Lutz is called a Flutz (true). A klutz is just a klutz (true). And I never schlepped with the judges. I didn't have to - schtellar talent schpeaks for itschelf. Oof.


About the coat, early '60s faux fur, ultra warm, swing cut, by Robert Meshekoff. I always want to figure skate when I wear it. Champagne white, not as yellow or as white as some of those photos.

This post includes bits of revised content from an earlier post. The photo session with the Christmas trees was outside a very popular downtown eatery, Glowbal. I had to navigate around the trendy crowds going in and out, not easily done in skates which require delicate shuffling action no matter how high-tech they are. I'm thankful that the management didn't shoo me away. Clearly they could see I was a pro athlete.

I'm linking this skating adventure up to Catherine's #iwillwearwhatilike at Not Dressed as Lamb.

I hope you all get a break from outside annoyances during the holidays. See you soon. xo

Have you got any clothes that make you want to figure skate?! Pole vault? Do long jump? Shot put?


  1. You are great Melanie! :)
    Merry Christmas to you! XO Tina

  2. Bravo! 11 pts. The crowd roars and all that jazz. Now that's what the holidays are all about. Thanks for the excellent reminder. You are the merriest, Mel.

  3. Brilliant!
    That coat is to die for, I can't imagine a better accompaniment to it than a paper of paper skates! Happy Xmas to you and O! xxx

  4. Hahahahaha! Thanks for the smile : )

    Hope your Christmas is filled with lots of chocolate in every form, sunshine, rainbows and happiness. That's what every pro figure skater wants right? Plus it all works so well with your fairy tale coat. Now you just need a unicorn to ride out on and you're set.


  5. You are a woman of so many talents, Mel! And always a schtar at everything you do. Wishing you and yours all the best for Christmas and on to the New Year!

  6. Superior form, especially on water! I hope you didn't jab that friendly Orca with your skates.
    Perfect costume as usual without any hint of wee on snow in the colour ;-)
    Your legs must have an extra joint in them. I don't know how they manage to look so straight!
    Oh yeah, you're a shtar.
    Much love from hot Oz. Maybe I can skate on the lake....!
    Jazzy Jack

  7. Such a gorgeous coat!! That solo speed move with the rose between your teeth-----epic! Legendary! Perfect 10s all round!

  8. LOLOL....brava. BRAVA! If only I could have seen you skating on Burrard Inlet. I can only hope that judges got it wrong and you'll be pressed upon to perform all over again. could ice dance this time on Lost Lagoon. Literally swanning about...oh please do Mel!

    I noticed the restaurant sign right away...on your IG I think....and thought WOW, she's brave. A busy spot puts it mildly.

    SOON....I'll see you soon!

    PS my leotards....totally have me doing the Olga Korbett gymnastics moves around the house.

  9. HAhaha, how funny! Wanna see some funny cats? Hop over on my blog post of today! Merry Christmas!

  10. I came last in the ladies golfball and spoon race at the church carol service, does that count? I insised they declare it the 18-25 age group and then sauntered to the finish line. As I pointed out, if there's no prizes I'm not trying, ok? (All in full drag as I was emceeing the carol singing with my sister afterwards) Merry Christmas xo

  11. “He bit me afterwards”hahaha.. you had me laughing pit loud. Very amusing post. Thanks you dear Melanie. Your Christmas tree is beautiful. And that coat... oh what a fantastic coat! If you are ever sick of it, send it to me. I will pay you handsomely. And pay the shipping. Oh hang on.. don’t get sick of it till next winter. Otherwise I cannot purchase anything. Still in the money dumps.

  12. nice!!!!
    We at Vulture had never seen the stage version of A Christmas Story: The Musical, so this was our first look at it in any format. And we were not crazy about the adaptation of the 1983 holiday movie classic, itself an adaptation of portions of Jean Shepherd’s book In God We Trust
    Salwar Kameez | Kurti | Saree | Dress Materials | Lehanga | Leggings | Palazzo | Tunics-Tops | Night-Dress | Skirts

  13. Those photos of you "skating" are brilliant! You look like Sonja Henie in that gorgeous coat, "gliding" across the ice. I used to ice skate when I was a kid, and then hadn't put on a pair of ice skates for about 15 years, and when I tried to skate again, my ankles were all wobbly :( Perhaps if I could make my feet go in opposite directions it would work better?

  14. It's the perfect ice skating coat and you look fab in it. Shame on beardy for biting you...

    Happy Christmas

  15. Ice divine! Only you! Of course you can walk, I mean skate on water! Love the furry, creamy look on you! Watch those blades! Merry Everything and a bright Always!
    xoxo, Elle

  16. skating scares me silly. We lived back east when our kids were little and they loved to skate outdoors at the neighbourhood rink. I wore my rubber boots because when I tried to skate I cried and the little boys laughed at me.
    Merry Christmas to you

  17. There you go again! I'm laughing out loud as I sip my morning coffee. You never fail to astound! You're the most creative writer that I know and uber stylish too.

    I believe that you are going to ace an audition in 2018! It's in the stars! Wishing you all the best in 2018!

  18. This is the best kind of skating - all glamour and no pain! Side splitting narrative. You ought to be charging us for this. Hilarious xxx


  19. Does your site have a contact page? I'm having trouble locating it but, I'd like to send you an e-mail. I've got some creative ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it expand over time.Grow bags tomatoes

    1. Thanks for your comment. My contact link is just under the header of the page, third one from the left. I'm always interested in new ideas - it's the execution I sometimes have trouble with. Heh.

  20. Oh, this is a wonderful post - you are the best figure skater ever! I give you a 10 for your triple salchow!

    Thank you for being one of the highlights of my year - filming our little movie last March was one of the best memories from the year. Just a joy! Hope to see you in March again! Hugs to you and Happy New Year to you and O, Mel.


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