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Wednesday 30 September 2015

Cloud storage and SEO for middle-aged women

If you don't know what SEO means you might as well pack up your blog and stick your head in the toilet in shame. That's what they would have you think, them, those ones who want you to monetize your blog, flog your blog, flog yourself, flog others. Apparently, the more flogging you do, the greater your success. I already beat myself up about my blog and I certainly don't get monetized for it. Maybe I should beat you up too!
Black and white plaid and stripes, Bag and a Beret
No, flogging doesn't interest me, it's so piratical, neither does self-flagellation, although it does give me an idea on how to optimize my personal SEO (Search Engine Optimization).  

How bad is it, the Mel Search Engine? - Where did I put my keys? Where did I put my glasses? Where is that thingy, that book thing that wrote about, you know, that guy and the green cover? It's like in middle age everything in my home ends up in cloud storage, supposed to be very cutting edge, but jeez, it's not very effective is it? So yeah my search engine sucks - my stuff is in a frickin' cloud. If I had money I'd have Help. But let's get serious. Plan B.
Black and white plaid and stripes, Bag and a Beret
Kids have strings on their mittens threaded through their sleeves. Effective! I could just tie everything I habitually lose to the end of a long knotted rope, belt it on, and drag it behind me like those tin cans they tow behind cars after a wedding. Instead of a sign on my trunk that says "Just Married," my trunk would say "Just Menopausal."

My keys, my book thingies, the garbage I have to take out, O trailing along at the end - I can't forget him - all so convenient. Everything within reach!

Melanie Kobayashi in plaid and stripes, Bag and a Beret
But maybe it would be like that kids' book, Too Much Noise, where an old man covers up the creaks in his house by adding other noisy things until he gives up and appreciates the original creaks. I'm not saying I'd appreciate my creaks, no matter how original, but a trailing rope? I'm envisioning tangles and filth already, and I hate cleaning as much as losing things. 

Well, it was an idea. Too bad I can't patent it and make millions so I can get Help, serious help. The Clapper might be good, but O won't wear a Clapper and everything else in my home would beep when I clap. So back to square one - I'm done before I even get started. What's the point? No, seriously, what was my point? Heh.
Mel Kobayashi in plaid and stripes, Bag and a Beret
The Outfit

I'm jonesing on fluffy white sport socks, flats, glasses, and too-short pants these days. Whaaa...? Feck it. I like it. I'm going to wear the shite out of this stuff - because I can.
  • Weird B&W drop crotch, too-big plaid pants that twist around and bag weirdly; 
  • Striped Zara jacket plucked from the clothing swap leftovers at the last minute at the charity shop. Who brought that? Jane, was that you?* After I painted over a couple of stains with acrylics you can't even see them when I move fast or hold my hand in an odd position; 
  • Scarf/shawl;
  • Sample sale long-sleeve T, white sport socks;
  • Ultra-magic loupe.
How's your cloud holding out? Thunderstorms? Fog? Those dudes in Silicon Valley think they invented cloud storage? Puh. We middle-aged women laugh in their faces.

Edit: The jacket is from Sylvia. Thank you! She wore it here. She also mentioned SEOs when we met up. Hahaha. How appropriate that the two come together in this post. It's meant to be!


  1. I love the Beetlejuice-esque jacket! The whole outfit looks awesome on you. I'm pretty sure you'd look great in anything ♥

  2. Well done for resisting monetizing, though if someone offered me $200 a week, I would campaign for Donald Trump. Bad luck about having all your stuff in a cloud. That's like having all the money you get from monetizing in someone else's account.

  3. Do you do any stand-up comedy?? Because you do blog-comedy with brilliance and creative genius. I now so want to open up a high fashion mag and see a description of the clothes just like yours, in the vertical small print that's used (especially of pants that twist and bag weirdly). How refreshing would that be?

  4. I like: bars and grille. nicely

  5. This is the FIRST and ONLY post ever about SEO that I opened, read, and loved. You're brilliant, and I do need one of those "Just Menopausal" banners -- not just for the car, but to wear like a Miss America sash. xox

  6. You look so cool in the stripes and checks combo - what did you paint? Just a stripe touch-up?
    Your humor is just what I needed this morning. Thanks for the chuckle!

  7. F--- SEO. I love everything about this post! The outfit, the artwork of your photos, the mental image of a trailing rope festooned with daily tasks and items, and "Just Menopausal." I need that one too!!

  8. Hello, it's just me, Muhammed!
    I truly love these man inspired looks on you. Love that scarf especially! Did you make it? It inspires me to surge again. Joining two or three pieces of fabric with different textures is a brilliant idea.

  9. Definitely foggy in my cloud! Some days it's almost worrisome, but then I forget about it. Another great outfit - love that first action shot!

  10. SEO??????????????? I don't know from cloud but it was foggy here this morning/

    You're a vision in b & w.

  11. It requires tons of cred to being cool in a pair of white sports socks!

  12. I'm so glad you said what SEO was, since I join the freakish few who don't know these things. Search engine? No, I barely even drive!

    In the cloud...makes me think of Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back, and Cloud City. My cloud is like that: a few lightning strikes (those are Good Ideas, like "you should have some wine"), pink and purple and orange clouds, and every so often a speeder goes by.

    Love your outfit - rock on with your sport sockz! (I wear them to walk to and from work).

  13. hahaha...thanks for the morning laugh out loud Melanie. Maybe not a rope for me, but a red wagon replete with my worldly treasures...that could work. Maybe the street people have it right after all?

    I'm loving your style mood these days! As demonstrated in your first photo, flats and pants allow for spontaneous flight!

  14. Schblah-glunge-schwoop!!! That is the sound of the toilet with my head in it. I have no idea what SEO is. And I've just noticed that I should clean my toilet more often. Anyhooo. I Absolutely Love Your Entire Outfit! Black and White are my favorite not actual colors and I am a confirmed plaid-o-phile. And Stripes!!! Yes Please. Your photos are so great and you look so beautiful. On Fleek as the young folks say. Sport socks for evah!!

  15. I honestly glaze over whenever I read a post about SEO. EVERYTIME I read one, I just think, "can't be bothered!" And yet I think there is a large contingent who just won't be bothered with us non-monetisers!!!
    I loved this and you are the queen of cool!! I lose everything too!!!x

  16. I hung my head in shame for a moment as I did not know what SEO meant! I've had offers from companies I've never heard of to provide "content" for me blog in return for a fee and I keep turning them down because, "Hello? It's MY Blog, not your blog", but apparently I will never get rich this way.

    Who needs money when one has friends who are as flashy and fabularse as you? Good on you for rescuing the jailhouse jacket. Mere words can't express how much I love that first photo of you.

    I really like Patti's idea of getting ribbon sashes with "Just Menopausal" printed on them. She and I could wear them when we're in New York and start a trend!

  17. Hahahahahaha! You're on fire woman! I mean your humour. Not literally : ) Although sometimes I know it can feel like that at this stage in our lives.

    You need a cartoon of this idea. I just love it.

    I love Tom's comment about all the money from monetizing in someone else's account.

    I neglect my cloud. It's not large enough for everything I have to put up there.

    I also think SEO can stand for Serious Envy of Others. Just sayin'.


  18. So funny Mel. Did I tell you about SEO?I think you could fill a whole comedy show on this topic alone. The things marketers / bloggers did to get ahead!! The rubbish of pages that got produced! As you know, I'm not dismissing it altogether though; it has its place.
    It seems only fitting that you are wearing my jacket in this article. And you wear it so well! Here is how I styled it before
    Rock on my friend. I may need that menopausal ribbon sash....

  19. very cool black plaid pants MK! Monitzing, what monitizing? I've got 70K hits and not a penny to show for it! Do the Big G read our comments dissin' em? Hehe... There's always a weasel clause on pay-outs right? So I just use my blog as a "visual diary" of what I like at the moment, helps me to decide if I want the darn thing or not...

  20. Your idea of tying (is that spelled right? It looks funny.) everything onto a string is why I decided to always have a cross-body purse. Otherwise I'd be setting it down in the adult book store and someone would steal my identity (because everyone wants to be a menopausal woman) and have a more exciting life than me.

    You and Maricel are both rocking the plaid pants - geek chic!

  21. Every storage cloud has a silver lining?? Well I think you are positively celestial and you certainly get my search engine revving! stop being so damn cool!

  22. Oh Menopause, it takes our minds and intellects and hands us back cotton wool and cynicism! The only way forward is to get good at thinking on one's feet, being funny and lying convincingly. I feel you are going to be just fine ;-)

  23. hahahaha! thank you for that fun reading in the morning!
    i´m the organized one in the railroadhouse - but the hubs is a walking cloud. once in a while he want to do me a favor and put things away in boards and closets - and i spend weeks to search!!
    very cool pants! have a skirtsuit with a similar pattern. if we ever meet.....
    moneytize my blog? that company dos´t exist yet!

  24. So glad others were as bemused with SEO as me , thanks for the explanation. I really hate to tell you this but the cloud hangs around post menopause too, just like a foggy day, lifts a little and then returns.
    I am enjoying you in these looks , your combination of stripes and checks is simply great.

  25. I know bugger all about SEO (didn't know what it was) and never will, since it doesn't matter to me in the slightest! Is that why some bloggers do those really detailed post titles about what they're wearing? I always wondered, and assumed it was just a lack of imagination...
    Anyway, you look fabulous, all monochromatic and linear, I love it. Here's a thought - wear something with fringing, you can collect all sorts of crap in it and carry it around with you all day. At least that's what happens to me - a kimono jacket with fringed sleeves, and I'm accumulating pens, keys, small dogs and children. Which may or may not belong to me. xxxx

  26. What can I say? You're a genius. Maybe not in SEO, although you're doing a whole lotta betta than me, me thinks.
    But you look fab again. And the pics are so cool and fun! Brilliant, Melanie!

  27. Nope...totally clueless and likely to remain so about SEO!
    You do make me laugh and so are so spectacularly gorgeous.
    I need a t shirt that says 'Just Menopausal. Back away. Now'!

  28. A slash of red
    On black and white
    Drool worthy flats
    And let's just have fun!
    Xo Jazzy Jack

  29. I could never force myself to get into SEO and all that marketing stuff.

    I do love how you mixed patterns...this outfit is absolutely fabulous. You look great!

  30. I recognised that jacket immediately. I sort of begged it from Sylvia, but it was too small on me. RATS. Never mind, it looks very good on you, especially in this very cool outfit. Love it. That is about the fifth outfit I find dropdead gorgeous. Indeed wear the shite out of it. You will be envied. (Is that spelled correctly?) Seeing you having fun with the jacket makes me content with the fact it was too small for me.
    As for SEO? I know what it is, I sort of take it into account a little bit. But not as far as it interferes with my writing.
    Love you.

  31. I am off to stick my head in the toilet right now! Menopause is a bitch and really needs to just get on with her dirty deeds and leave us middle aged gals to get on with life. We have SOEs in NZ, as in State owned Enterprises!! Nothing like an SEO.

  32. Fabulous! I love your scarf and all those black & white garments together.

  33. I love your bright smile and facial expressions. <3 Also, can't go wrong with stripes and plaid. Lookin' good!

    - Anna

  34. mwahaha, I think I have my own version of a trailing rope tied to me with all the things I'm used to forget: my pills, my sunnies, sunscreen, notebook, my head. I call it Bag. And it's becoming bigger and heavier than a truck and it's impossible to find anything into its misterious depths. There's a door to another dimension there, for sure.
    Love your striped jacket and all those monochromatic fabulousness, cool!!!!

  35. Hysterical ! I read it while waiting for my friend to text me the number of where I left my phone on the other side of town :-)

  36. Thanks for that SEO info . Am thinking about giving some local companies free advertising - does that mean I'm selling out? Support your local community seemed like a cool idea. Anyway, the sports socks give that twist that's just you. Like the plan for tying all your stuff together on a string - mine would be miles long though.


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